Assault at school - need objective opinions

[BecauseICan22]

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

Hi op
PLEASE GO BIG WITH THIS.
go in Monday, say you want action against all the perpetrator for the sexual verbal abuse or you will be taking it everywhere and to anyone who will listen. News, organising protests outside school leaflets and you will be reporting them to Ofstee, you name it.
say if they are a school that normalises boys telling girls to suck their dicks (and say this be blunt) then you will make damn sure as many people as possible know about it.
take it as far as you can re this.

Ask them if they heard of “me too” and are they really a school that looks away while young girls are being abused.
im absolutely savage reading this. See if you can get all the girls involved in a protest

Lots of good advice here.
60 years ago, I was driven out of a church youth club by this sort of behaviour one week when the supposed supervising adult was absent. Said SSA the following week said I had invented it and had a dirty mind and his boys would not have done such a thing.
His boys could now be the great grandfathers of the current generation. It isn't new, and there will have been a hidden sewer running through society with such attitudes. I'm really glad that it is now being taken seriously by Ofsted.

Absolutely. Not sure we would be being “objective” or showing any “compassion” for these shits. We would use every legal remedy at our disposal to bring them to account.

Look at the Warwick university group chat. The men said vile things on a private group chat they were ejected from university/ documentaries made. This is worse.

What you've written is similar to what has happened to my (also Y10 DD)
They sound similar (with your DD loving her teachers not helping her rep...this is my DD also)
She hasn't had sexualised comments but has had a lot of names hurled at her.
Throwing of things in the lunch time, and getting other children involved has also happened.

DDs school had a very hardline approach to what was happening.
They called it assault themselves, they also ensured that any class that was shared with the offending boy(s) had new seating plans.
Parents were dragged in and the main ringleader was told if there was another incident that he would be suspended from school.
Fingers crossed it hasn't happened again. I think your school need to be more proactive in dealing with this.

I would worry that the school seems to think standing by and not standing up to your friends Neville Longbottom style gets you off any sort of punishment. At the very least they should have moved him from that seat.

As mentioned above safeguarding is the key term to use and KCSIE.

To give you a comparison to what happened to my son. He was physically assaulted (sucker punched) in school in year 11 and the kid was excluded for 1 week and then did a return to school meeting with the parents explaining expectations going forward and he spent, I believe, 3 days in isolation on return. This was all relayed back to me, I got to do a parent statement that was read to the boy and his parents. It basically said my son is far more forgiving than I am and that if there is even a sniff of shitty behaviour from this boy toward my son we will be going to the police about the assault. We had actually already spoken to the police. We were pleased that the school responded this harshly especially because it was year 11 and they were telling them how important it was to be in school due to GCSEs.

I believe my son was targeted due to his academic success and because it was year 11 there was a lot of information about grades and children knew exactly where they stood roughly in the class rankings. It could be the same for your DD. But it needs to stop now. Good luck.

Good to hear some schools taking tough decisive action.

I teach and like several pp see pupils using increasingly sexualised language and behaviour - boys and girls, although the boys are more aggressive with it generally.

Most schools are doing what they can to address it - asking pupils to report all concerns, following the behaviour policy, pshe lessons, assemblies but how do you counter parental attitudes?

I have spoken to parents of younger pupils who have slapped girls on the bum or lifted their skirt and the parents laugh and say we are over-reacting while the boy sits smugly.

OP, if the school has followed their behaviour policy then you won't achieve further punishment even if you involve the police. They will have you on one side asking for stricter punishment, and their parents demanding that the published policy is followed to the letter. Tbf you won't know what has happened to them - I expect parents called in, strong talking to and dire warnings about what will happen if there is any hint of a repeat.

You can insist on a change of seating plan so that she doesn't sit near any of them, and you can ask how they will ensure that it can't happen again. You could push for a change of policy and stricter punishments for such behaviour.

A child threatened to punch my son at school and he was very upset. When the school spoke to me I asked whether they were reporting this to the police as this was a criminal action. They seemed a bit thrown but it prompted them to get community police officers into school to talk to the kids about what's legal/ illegal. I think the child in question had actually believed that this was somehow OK as it was not an actual assault. It seemed to really help though of course I don't know if it would have escalated without that.

I think reporting this as an assault to the police would be helpful even if just a clear message for the kids involved. Also the comments they've been making are sexual assaults and need to be dealt with as such. So sorry that your DD ad friends have been subjected to this.

I have spoken to parents of younger pupils who have slapped girls on the bum or lifted their skirt and the parents laugh and say we are over-reacting while the boy sits smugly.

I’d be involving community police, parents tend to be much less defensive of their kids when it’s pointed out that, legally, their child’s behaviour is actionable. The only way sexual assault can be challenged and addressed is through a no tolerance approach every time. Schools are too quick to say they’ve followed their behaviour policy and can’t do anything more when talking about behaviour that is criminal in nature.

Im sure those boys wood be much less smug explaining their behaviour to the police.

OP The grabbing of breasts etc is sexual assault and I would frame it as such when you talk to the school.

Think about what you want to achieve for your daughter and her friend in the short term:

eg
the boy being moved away from her so she doesn't have to sit with him (that's appalling on the school's part).

Is there a school mentor she can see, any time it gets too much for her. DC's school here has a policy that anyone who has suffered bullying or trauma can ask to see a mentor anytime, no questions asked. Students don't have to verbally say it either, just show the teacher a card. They also have regular scheduled session.
Ask about how they are going to keep your girls safe moving forwards.

I would look at their safeguarding policy and anti-bullying policy before you go to your meeting.

Tell the school that you have contacted the police and while you are it is, get legal advice.

Their response will show you how seriously they take it and your next steps will depend on what they say.

For what it's worth, something similar happened at DC's school. The school dealt with it swiftly and decisively - boys parents brought in, police called, suspension and a move to another school. Police were useless though but still worth logging it.

Unfortunately some parents will minimise this kind of behaviour. I was on a previous thread where a secondary school boy had been suspended for making an extremely inappropriate sexualised comment to a girl, and his mum felt he was being punished too strictly and it would affect his ‘good record’. That’s what schools get when they try to come down hard on this behaviour.

OP you have had some really good advice here.

Your poor daughter and her friend. Being a teenager is hard enough as it is.

This needs stamping on, hard. Good luck x

This. If a few male teachers treated some of their female colleagues in this way, out of sight of the kids, would it be acceptable to senator management at the school?

I'm actually afraid to know the answer tbh

I recently saw the film f this powerful play.
It deals with issues of sexual consent and rape.

Sexual violence starts somewhere and maybe this project supported by NT and the author of the play could be contacted by the school.

Does the school have a youth worker attached who could talk to your DD and her friend?

I can't imagine what it must be like to be a young person these days, I would have been just like your daughter and I admire her.

Oh the link

www.schoolsconsentproject.com/

Tbf, I don't think schools tolerate it in general but there is massive pressure on schools not to exclude, and sexual language won't meet the threshold for permanent exclusion.

It's also so normalised that many students don't report it, until the situation escalates.

And yes, usually the parents of the boys will defend them.

To those saying to get the police involved, we have found police timescales very slow recently as a school, even on actual sexual assault, and actually it can put schools in a very difficult position.

Her friend needed urgent medical treatment? I would go to the police about that and the sexual assault because I’d be scared of escalation. Whether that would be difficult for school or the other parents complaining wouldn’t influence my decision at all. I don’t think the onus should be put on the other children to speak out or act, it needs to be the adults in authority who take the lead. How can such a serious incident happen unseen in a very public area

You only have to watch that documentary on sexual abuse in secondary schools to know this is a massive problem. I put my DD13 in an all girls school mainly because of it.

That is awful, so sorry to hear this.

I would approach this in two ways:
1: why was there no teacher on duty to intervene? We have staff on duty so that no area is unsupervised. If something starts it is usually very easy to spot - there is a horrible movement of students towards an incident like this, you see that even if you don't spot the actual incident.

2: all schools are/ should be more aware of sexualised/misogynistic behaviour. The school I work at, it is regularly addressed through PSHE, assemblies, form time. There is a group lead by sixth formers that do assemblies, lead focus days/ weeks, posters, make suggestions. It is regularly raised in student council. We haven't sorted it but we are trying hard. All year groups are having assemblies about Andrew Tate next week, for example.

So ask for a meeting with the head and press for specifics.

In terms of moving her, I understand why you might want to. I looked into moving my daughter during year 10 (she is at a different school). It is very difficult to find a school where options, exam boards match. Even if you could, the teaching order would not match eg would end up doing Macbeth twice and no poetry. New school would probably try to help but v difficult.

And, this might sound brutal, but misogynistic behaviour is on the rise. I would tend towards challenging the current school. But I don't know your full situation obviously.

I wish you and your daughter all the best.

This is the only way

"To those saying to get the police involved, we have found police timescales very slow recently as a school, even on actual sexual assault, and actually it can put schools in a very difficult position."

@Postapocalypticcowgirl Police are very reluctant to get involved because it's a "school matter". But interested to know why police involvement would put schools in a very difficult position?

OK so this may not be popular but we had a similar situation with my DSD. A boy in school making her life hell and the school did nothing. DH and our nephew cornered the boy one day and scared the living shit out of him. Left her alone after that. I know this isn't always a suitable action but just putting it out there. Some kids are just vile and speaking to them in their own language is the only thing that works.

Hi, I'm the DD that this has happened to, and first of all, thank you for the advice. I feel good know I'm not alone but so sad to know how many others this has happened to. We need things to change.

My mum has allowed me to read through this thread, and from what I have read, I see some replies that have made me feel more confident about going to the police, and some have made me feel as though I'm only able to fight back with a man to help me.
For some context, I'm the oldest daughter with two younger sisters, there's no older brothers or cousins to do the "protecting". Our Dad left when I was 7, so I had to learn to protect myself, my mum, and my sisters as the oldest, and I'd say I've done a good job. I know some people will think that's strange but I'm strong and I have strong male role models (not my Dad) but they don't need to fight my fight.

To those who have asked about if I have got older brothers, please do not take this as an attack, I just don't want people to think that because of what happened and I got hurt, because I'm a girl I can't fight back at all. I can, I have and I will. My Mum has never been a victim and she hasn't taught me or my sisters to be victims either. What happened was a shock and very scary for me and my friend. I will face it.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I wasn't worried about the reputation of these boys. I don't accept any responsibility for what they did, I know this is entirely their fault.
I was however worried about the impact on opportunities in the future for them, especially if we go to the police. I understand now that a criminal record is highly unlikely but even then, I am human and I have compassion for them as I'm hopeful that this one event wouldn't be how they're going to behave the rest of their lives. They hurt me and they hurt my best friend (and trust me, if you know me personally you'd know that I'd be the first to do anything to protect my best friends), so if I do something and it ruins their chances to improve themselves, I don't know what I'd do.
I hope that's not dramatic of me but it's the truth. I do understand though that this is not my fault and I won't keep quiet.

Those of you that have sons, please talk with them and help them to see the other side. My Mum has taught me equality for all, I know males are just as important as females in this world but I feel as I get older that this is only going in one direction and it isn't in the direction of empowering females. Thank you again, I appreciate you taking the time to help.

DHT/DSL here.

This is the original Ofsted report: www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/
which is now incorporated into KCSIE.

The day after this was published, we produced an action plan to show how we would implement every one of the recommendations, which we then did. Ask to see the school’s response.

We had Ofsted at the start of term. The very first meeting you have with them is the safeguarding review; I cannot emphasise how seriously Ofsted takes this, and so by default, so should the school.