Assault at school - need objective opinions

[BecauseICan22]

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

Your poor DD, this is appalling.

Also recommend Beyond Equality for workshops in schools.
www.beyondequality.org

The school need to bring in a programme to educate the boys on why this is unacceptable.

I understand why your DD doesn’t want to get them in trouble by reporting them, but if they don’t have any consequences for their behaviour they will carry on thinking they can get away with it. Once they are adults their behaviour could have more serious consequences if they are accused of sexual harassment or worse. Better they get in trouble now and it might make them realise the severity of their actions.

Not an objective comment but a supportive one from a parent whose dc was bullied at school.
Dc was physically attacked by bullies and I now wish I had reported it to the police and followed it through. Instead I had a meeting with the school and allowed myself to be pacified by them. Bullying changed my dc as they didn't back down so got into more trouble for fighting at school, but I now question whether they felt unsupported by us and so had to fight back alone.

It is one of my greatest regrets that I did not do more at the time. If I had a do over, I would press charges; complain to the school stating what I expect to result from it; and request a face to face with the parents of the other pupils involved. One of the bullies was the dc of a City Councillor!
I heart goes out for you OP.

This is atrocious advice. The OP wants to stop male violence, not perpetuate it.

Definitely report to the police.

DD1 is also Y10, she told me some time ago there was a boy in her year sending dick pics to girls in his classes and the girls had passed them on to othercpeople 😱. DD1 had not been a recipient but I called the school and told them what had happened and while I appreciated me telling them was only heresay I thought they should be aware of the gossip so they could investigate and at the very least it might be a good idea to have an assembly on the law surrounding forwarding images of a pornograghic nature. I was not the only parent who contacted the school. The school did nothing. One of DD1's friends then received a dick pic from the boy in question, told her parents who contacted the school. The school did nothing. So the parents contacted the police who arrested the boy. I think sometime schools, even otherwise good school, bawk at removing a child (however dreadful his behaviour is) from education and so force the girls into accommodating this.

I also suspect (based on some issues we have had a work with new graduates) that the pandemic and lockdown has increased antisocial behaviour in the young.

Some truly invaluable advice and some sobering information. It seems this type of behaviour is far more prevalent than I realised.

To those posters advising a sit down with the parents of these boys (a calm sit down), am I able to request that? I know the other parents can and probably will say no but I'd like the opportunity. I feel as a Mum I get it, you don't always know what your kids are getting up to but surely when faced with the truth, you can't deny it and you have to act to educate and guide them?

I've woken up in the last hour unable to sleep, my heart aches for all the children that have been through this and are continuing to go through it. I love my daughter and I want her to feel supported and brave. She is such a kind person and she didn't deserve this.

I'm going to let her look at the Everyones Invited website, thank you to the poster who shared that with me.

I am definitely going to go back to the school and ensure they know my next steps but also ensure I know, as much as they'll tell me, what's been done and what's going to be done to make this better.

Thank you everyone. And to the poster who's DC was bullied and got into trouble for fighting back, I'm sorry you all went through that. Please understand you did what you thought was best at the time. You're there for your child and that's priceless.

I’d not advise a meeting with the parents if you’re also going to police. School unlikely to do that anyway as they’re in charge of kids not parents.

I would go down the school with my brothers/cousins/uncles snd tell my dd to point out the boys that are doing it
I promise you that is the only thing that little boys respond to and they will never look at her again

That's a good point.

As satisfying as that might be for some, what would that actually achieve? The joke is my daughter would be the first person to put a stop to anything like that.

I find it worrying that your daughter appears to have more concern for the scumbags than she does for herself.

You'll need to question the head on what they are doing in regards to children's wellbeing. This could be classed as child on child abuse.
As part of safeguarding they should already have a policy on this, ask to see it then question whether they are acting in your DCs and others best interests.

@BecauseICan22 follow through on this as your DD needs to know & see that she is supported.

Hearing of these incidents at school is becoming common place - two of my nieces have been through similar experiences - & it is only right that OFSTED has held school management to account for safeguarding breaches.

From the experiences shared on recent MN thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4673471-whats-the-most-wildly-inappropriate-thing-to-ever-happen-to-you?page=6&reply=121619251, it’s essential that there is zero tolerance of these boorish & threatening behaviours from the outset.

notfineinschool.co.uk/sexual-assault

I don't. I love her humanity and her compassion, she is a child and she is learning about where her humanity and compassion needs to be directed.

I don't need or want her to become vengeful. That will only damage her.

It staggers me how schools tolerate behaviour that would not be allowed in any other setting. Keep the police involved and the the pressure up.

I don't think it is about being vengeful but more about valuing herself and her own rights above abuse and to not tolerate abuse.

There is evil in this world and compassion doesn't fix evil men.

I highly recommend her reading the gift of fear and why does he do that by lundy bancroft.

men are used to being given a free pass. They learn nothing and continue to abuse as they find out there are no consequences.

These boys may actually learn something if the police are involved.

This is very much a school problem, as they are failing in their duty of care. The school have not dealt with this appropriately and this needs to be flagged to Ofsted and the school governing body. You should phone ofsted on Monday morning and explain what has happened and that you do not feel your daughter and other pupils feel safe in school. This will trigger an ofsted enquiry and possible emergency ofsted visit. This is the only thing that will make the school listen to your concerns and make appropriate changes to their safeguarding policy. Explain to ofsted that you will/have contacted the police too. School has to respond to Ofsted concerns. You could also contact the local authority school safeguarding lead.

I don't. I love her humanity and her compassion, she is a child and she is learning about where her humanity and compassion needs to be directed.

Its important she knows that her humanity and compassion need to be direct towards herself. She needs to know it’s ok not to show compassion to people who abuse her, in fact it can be dangerous to do so. She needs to know she’s not responsible for the consequences of other peoples choices.

By not questioning or challenging her compassion for the boys that abused her, you risk her not being able to enforce her own boundaries in relationships.

I’ve spent this week dealing with my DD11 being bullied, the child bullying her has a lot of vulnerabilities and it would be easy to have compassion for her, and as an adult I can see how the bullying happened. However my daughter has been relentlessly bullied, the impact on her has been awful, and has led to feelings of worthlessness and fear of going to school.

While I understand what led to the bullying, the child made a choice to harm my child. I’ve spoken at length with the school, explored how they will protect my child, and I’ve involved the police. My daughter won’t be taking part in restorative processes, won’t be expected to maintain a relationship with this child and is very clear that any further infractions by this child will be dealt with immediately.

It’s important she knows she has a right to be safe in school, that behaviour has consequences and that she doesn’t need to make things easy or ok for someone who has hurt her. She’s a compassionate, caring child and I love that about her, but I also want her to value herself above anyone else.

Become a governor?

This is disgusting op. I totally agree with reporting the incident to the police. As a question to how this is being handled. You said you will be speaking to the HOY. Did the school not contact you about the incident? They are definitely under reacting.

I agree with contacting ofsted, especially if this isn’t resolved quickly. You could report it anyway. But in order for them to take it more seriously, I think it would be o use to be able to report how the school is or rather isn’t handling the situation.

My dd is in the same year group as your dd. Please tell your dd that she sounds absolutely lovely. And let her know that reporting these boys to the police won’t ruin their lives. It might actually save them in the long run and teach them to behave better, which can only be good for their long term future.

That sounds really awful. I don’t know what lunchtime set up is like but where were the adults

Also the poor friend who went to hospital, is she ok?

Toxic masculinity is a massive problem in schools, as a staff member I've had it aimed at me, had rape threats and all sorts.

Last September new legislation for schools was brought out to combat this, since then it has been included in the updated version of keeping Children Safe in Schools document. You might find referencing back to this useful when talking to DDs school.

The school have a duty of care towards your daughter. She should be and feel safe.

She should not be forced to sit next to any of the boys.

If the comments are being made in class then the school must deal with it, even if this means having a boys' class and a girls' class.

The boys should be banned from the lunch hall. They can bring in a packed lunch and eat it elsewhere. I'm sure the school will have a space / classroom for internal exclusion, the boys can go eat there.

Sadly this is going on for decades , the boys in our school were just as bad. I had my skirt pulled up on a daily basis , things thrown , I was stabbed in the back with a protractor and so many more things. I nearly got suspended twice , once when a male student slapped my bum and I hit him in the head with a book and broke his glasses and another when a male teacher made an inappropriate comment to me and I called him out on it. The boys parents actually went as far as to demand my parents replaced the creeps glasses , thankfully my father told them to get lost and that he'd report their son to the police for sexeual assault, they backed down then. The teacher made me out to be a liar and the class backed him. Happiest day of my life was when I made the decision to move to an all girls school. The minimal bitchyness was far more tolerable than the abuse I suffered on a daily basis. My advise would be to find an all girls school and tall your daughter into moving. The school will sadly just close ranks when you try to raise the issue.

I would echo the thoughts above about Ofsted . My child’s former secondary school has just been rated inadequate because of bullying. As a consequence of this there has been a change of headteacher and he does seem to have come down hard on behaviour and has taken things back to basics with expectations. Fingers crossed for the future, as the school has some great teachers, but just lost its way . Lockdown played a huge part as well.