Assault at school - need objective opinions

[BecauseICan22]

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

Also, following on from my post above , We moved my daughter to an all girls school (she is very academic) and she is thriving . Keeps away from the bitchiness and has a lovely little group of friends.
I am sorry this has happened to your daughter, I hope things improve ❤️

Have a Google for Graham Goulden and The Mentors Against Violence programme. He's an ex police inspector from Scotland who has been using the bystander approach in schools to challenge toxic masculinity. There are now some schools in Manchester who are trained to use this - with year 10 students becoming mentors for year 7 students. It's really effective but it does take some commitment from the school.

I’m so sorry to read this. It must be so hard for you all. Have a look at the Everyone’s Invited website, which is designed especially for these types of problems. The organisation might have some advice.

Just to echo what a PP said, the KCSIE has been updated to specifically focus on protecting students from sexual child on child abuse - which includes sexualised comments - and the school needs to be taking this very seriously: www.keepingchildrensafeineducation.co.uk/partfiveechsexxviol.html

Threaten to report to Ofsted and the LEA as a safeguarding failure from the school. There's a massive push to tackle this kind of sexualised language at the moment. They will take it very seriously. (I'm a teacher!)

Do NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let her look at "everyones invited". It is an absolute disgrace of a website and full of CSA stories, for anyone to read - nothing is checked and many things "shared" are of dubious origin.

(On mumsnet you get the wierdos who get off on bedwetting stories and poo stories - just think who is getting off on this...)

To everyone saying don’t send in the big brothers, don’t you see that the feral only understand the language of the feral? You are not dealing with normal families with normal moral compasses. You are dealing with scum and scum need to be treated as such. Controversial? Perhaps. But having grown up where I did, attended a rough comp and been bullied for being clever, trust me, not one of my bullies would have responded to restorative justice! A quick kicking would have made them think twice though.

Found this so upsetting to read. Wishing your Dd and her friend every good thing. What the hell is going on in our society that boys behave like this? Porn? I went to a mixed comp and it wasn’t perfect but nothing like this and the boys en masse were with the odd exception pretty decent.

Had a sixth sense this was happening I society and bought a house near a state girls school both my teen girls thriving. Funnily enough the boys they hang out with go to the mixed schools the boys at the single sex school are seen as badly behaved towards girls.

A significant part of my timetable is PSHE. There is a significant growth in boys with misogynistic attitudes and an inability to think critically about why their actions are inappropriate. The recent but very damaging obsession with Andrew Tate is a massive issue - I obviously can’t speak for all schools but we are working hard to tackle it head on.

Appreciate that you are not blaming school staff, but the only time I’ve seen something escalate that much in the canteen of the school I work in (which is not a ‘nice’ school) was when there were lots of staff off and the staff presence was very poor. What I’m saying is that whilst understanding the awful situation in schools at the moment, you have to hold the school to account. Register a concern with Ofsted, write about the whole thing in detail to the school governors. Ofsted are very hot on the misogynistic abuse problem. There is a report from June 2021 from ofsted that you might find useful to look at. It simply does not sound like the school are doing enough.

So sorry to hear what has happened to your DD. Mine is 12 and we’re having issues with the sexualised comments too. Here’s my recent thread (which I need to update). I’ve been quite impressed with how the school have dealt with it. The boy concerned is not allowed anywhere near my DD under any circumstances and seating arrangements have been changed in every class. The head of middle school was so concerned about it she has got the headteacher of the entire (3-19) school on board with tackling it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4673630-aibu-to-call-this-sexual-harassmentreport-to-school?page=1

Also I wouldn’t bother sitting down with the parents of these horrors. Likely they will be like that themselves or if middle class they will just flatly refuse to believe their Archie behaved like that. Futile.

I would go to the police today and I would give names and addresses if you have them,
But I would also move my child to another school in all honesty and if you know the other child's parents urge them to do the same. X

Just read the bit about your daughter doesn't want their future tarnished, sorry but don't listen to her, go to the

I agree with sassh girls only classes these shit boys banned entirely from dinner hall. They can eat their brought from home sandwiches in the rain. Let their parents squawk.

Sorry pressed post by accident, go to the police, if they think they've got away with it, they will get worse not only to your daughter but to other girls, in my opinion they deserve everything they get. X

I’m a HoY. This level of bullying would result in a fixed term exclusion for the main culprits (which varies in length depending on how many they’ve had already and is the first step on their way out of the door permanently if this is the way they usually behave)

With CCTV and statements from witnesses (we know who to go to for impartial and fair statements - you’d be surprised how many students are very happy to ‘report’ bullies) They/their parents wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

I’d then ask your daughter what I could do to ensure she felt safe in school. So, moving any of these students out of her class (where physically possible - not always easy in options subjects) and offering her/her friend a safe space for break and lunch (often one of our sixth-form only areas in a serious case like this)

My next assembly would then be on bullying/misogyny. I’d be telling students that the language isn’t appropriate at our school and carries serious sanctions in the ‘real world’. I’d be encouraging students to report those that continued to use the language and would happily phone as many parents as needed to inform them of their child’s inappropriate use of sexualised language and asking for their support in dealing with it. Many parents have no clue about how their son (or daughter!) speaks at school.

We also work closely with the local police who are able to work with any students who teeter on the edge of criminal behaviour so I’d look into what ‘education’ I could offer the boys upon return to school.

What I wouldn’t do is offer the opportunity for a parent in your situation to speak to the parents of the boys.

As a previous poster said, ‘Outstanding’ schools with strong exam success are being deemed ‘Inadequate’ if they are not keeping pupils safe. When speaking to school, I’d lead with this.

Unfortunately, I don't think the police will act as quickly as you'd hope on this. As a teacher, recently I've seen the police be very slow to act on some quite serious sexual assault between teens of a similar age group. I assume like all public services the police are overstretched and so I don't think they will be a magic bullet solution unfortunately.

In terms of the school, I'd ask for a meeting with the designated safeguarding lead (usually a member of SLT) about the sexualised language and the assault. I'd ask what their plan is to keep your daughter safe in the future.

Unfortunately, I don't think an incident like this (as awful as it is) will meet the threshold for permanent exclusion unless any of the boys involved have been previously excluded for similar or are on a general last chance in terms of behaviour.

I think you need to step back and stop focusing on how you can solve a school wide and indeed societal issue of how men and boys treat women and girls. You can guarantee that the school do teach the children about respect and that PSHE lessons deal with this subject. The teachers will deal with this when it happens and when it is brought to their attention. There is no magic wand that you have that will solve this issue. It is a work in progress. It is affected by what teens see on social media and the internet and the way women and girls are talked about in society. Maybe you could ask the school what they already do if you want to feel active in this area?

Your focus should be on what needs to be done about this incident. You seem to have already done those things. The boys who made the comments and hurt your daughter and her friend should be dealt with in line with the school's behaviour policy. Your daughter should be offered support. After that, there is no more you can do other than encourage your dd to report any derogatory or sexual comments. You could move her school but there is every likelihood it could happen in another school.

The people who were witnesses and were there but didn't take part is a separate issue. I think you can expect them to be spoken to about the incident. They should be under no illusion that the behaviour was unacceptable. Your daughter shouldn't have to sit beside someone they feel uncomfortable with. I am sure if you asked for her to be moved away from this other student they would. Should they be punished? I guess you have to think about your average teen. Maybe they were scared to make themselves a target? Maybe they didn't know what or how to do anything? If your daughter had witnessed something a friend did and did nothing, would you want her to be blamed for what she had seen or what her friends had done? I don't think the school can punish the bystanders, much as you might like that to happen. Consider someone who watches a crime take place but does nothing. Does that make them criminally responsible? Not unless they lie about what happened or try and help the person commit the crime. If the other boys were sitting with the ones who threw the bottles, that doesn't make them responsible.

Sorry, Mumsnet cut off part of my post but to summarize:

1. ask for your daughter to be sat away from any of the boys in lessons and teachers to be made aware of the sexual comments.

2. ask why no member of staff saw what was going on and stepped in.

3. ask for a quiet space for your daughter to eat lunch where she can be safe from this.

4. ask what the school's policy is on sexual harassment and try to persuade your DD to report it every time.

That said, I don't think all schools are this bad, and it's much better to move her now than, say at the start of y11.

We have recently had a 'whistler - blower' system installed for work. It's reported via a link and the reporter can choose to remain anonymous.

I wish they'd set these up for schools. I know there would be no end of fake submissions but at least there would be a safe way to report situations that kids are too scared to speak up about.

If this was my daughter I'd go to the school first, police if nothing was done and I'd enrol my daughter in self defence. My 16 year old is almost a blackbelt, I think all girls should go. Your daughter sounds like such a lovely lovely girl. Sadly the buĺlies will go for the softer sensitive ones. I agree with other posters though, her first priority should be herself. I don't know if I missed it but the parents of the other child taken to hospital, what are they planning to do?

At dds school they have a bystander rule if you see bullying and don’t report it you can be culpable. Girls school. Not saying it’s perfect but after friendship group jostling has calmed down I early years it’s been good. It’s not cool to be seen as a bitchy bully you get ostracised by the majority. The girl that was cruel to my Dd and others is now an outcast with few friends. . So from year 9 ish there is competitive “be kind “ which is no bad thing. Wish your Dd was at our school.

We have this at my school. There is very little misuse of it.

Pastoral staff here.

Some excellent advice here, so sorry that your daughter went through this. The bystander issue sounds like the boys will be the alpha males of their year and needs tackling urgently.

The KCSIE if vital here. Updated from September and the child on child abuse section is statutory. Mention this and the ‘Everyone’s Invited’ site in your email. Ensure your email goes to the Head and other Senior Leader with Safeguarding in their job title and the governors.

Make it clear what you want. Excisions should happen. Does your daughter want any Restorative Practice with the boys to ensure they hear her voice? It can help going forward. Or does she want then barred from going any where near her and risk further sanctions.

Follow up the email with a phone call Monday morning stating you want a meeting/phone call urgently as you are on the verge of contacting the Police and would like to speak to the school first.

Good luck.

Really sorry to hear what has happened to your DD. I second all those saying look up Beyond Equality and the poster who said look up child on child abuse in schools as part of safeguarding in Keeping Children Safe in Education (KCSIE). Quote that back to the school. There’s a big emphasis on it by Ofsted since Everyone’s Invited.

you mention setting up your own CIC or charity. Do look up what’s already out there in this space - NEU have done good stuff around challenging sexism in schools. Also Gender Action. Lifting Limits.

see this tweet twitter.com/charlottecarso1/status/1593213332206813185?s=46&t=-yyyORwEPs4--QKzO_Dn1g too

there are others on twitter doing good work - happy to suggest more.

really hope your DD is ok.