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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Assault at school - need objective opinions

226 replies

BecauseICan22 · 18/11/2022 21:25

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

OP posts:
lonelyinyournightmare · 22/11/2022 11:04

I have not read the whole thread, but I just didn't want to read and run. OP - your daughter is a wonderful, articulate and thoughtful person. You did a great job.

twoshedsjackson · 22/11/2022 11:26

Your DD's altruism is commendable, and she shows a clear understanding of the dire consequences which could follow these boys through life; clearer, indeed, than their parents. If they could have a firm steer now, it's not too late, but the clock is ticking, and they will go swaggering into adult life with a misplaced sense of misogynistic impunity, leading to awful consequences, both for them and possible future victims.
If the school are still dragging their feet, it might be worth reminding them that handling this situation ineffectively will have other consequences for the school itself and its reputation.
Ofsted inspections are now catching up with schools which have not been visited for a long time, (as much as fifteen years in some cases), and some which were previously rated "outstanding" have now been rated "good". Social and emotional welfare is becoming a greater priority.
At least two schools with good academic results, previously rated "outstanding" have now been rated as "requires improvement" because of their ineptitude in dealing with similar situations, which I would imagine is sending shock waves through the ranks of the SLT........
The very least your daughter should expect is a respite from this harassment; can you imagine the uproar in an adult workplace? The timetabling issues this throws up for the management are not her concern or yours.

BecauseICan22 · 06/12/2022 03:49

Update:

After various emails and 1 meeting with the school, reassurances that this is being taken seriously, the abusers have been sanctioned, parents spoken with and all 4 abusers are no longer sat behind or next to my DD in any of their shared lessons.

Last Friday, my DD came home distraught, saying she couldn't take it because one of her abusers, who she shares a lesson with, is STILL sat next to her, and he has now started copying her work. She told me,'What was the point in reporting any of this Mum? He's still sat next to me'. I waited until early Monday morning to email the school, I was too angry to do it on Friday.

Yesterday afternoon, a member of the SLT, the safeguarding lead, called me. Long and short of it is that the boy hadn't been moved from next to my DD because there hadn't been full disclosure between my DD's HoY that has been dealing with this and the teachers of those shared lessons.
She confirmed that my DD's teachers hadn't been told about the nature of the issue, just that there'd been a problem.
None of the teachers in the affected lessons had even read my DD's statements, one of which is also her form tutor.
I asked why all relevant staff weren't made aware of the abuse? She said there was no need for them to know!!!!!!! My DD has been suffering sexual abuse/harassment in her lessons with her teachers present for 4 months now, and yet there's no need for these teachers to know!!???? The safeguarding lead was condescending and not at all understanding. I have now asked for a face to face meeting with the principal and the SLT team.

How is this OK????

This is an extract of my DD's statement regarding the sexual abuse/harassment.

Tell me that this isn't serious enough to notify all staff and to get one of her abusers moved from next to her instantly.

###########################

All 4 boys would laugh and make the following comments:

×××××× wants to get on her knees and suck ××××××’s dick’.

That I’d be happy to ‘play with ××××××s dick’.

That ×××××× wants to ‘grab ××××××s small ass tits’.

That ‘××××× wants to finger you ×××××××’.

That ‘you should both get into bed together so ×××××× can touch you up’.

Sometimes to disguise what they were saying to ××××× and I, they would use other words in place of actual anatomical names. They would refer to ×××××’s penis as ‘meat’ and my breasts as ‘melons’.

I want to add that there is not a ××××× lesson that I can recall where some form of sexual harassment or verbal abuse has not taken place towards me by these boys. These comments have all been made to me during the lesson and often in the middle of the lesson. ×××××× (teacher) is always present but is either helping someone with a ×××××××× (subject) problem or is otherwise out of earshot. But ×××××× is present in the classroom whenever these things are being said to me. The comments are said to me loudly enough so that I and ×××××× can hear them, and I am sure other students can hear them too.

I have not spoken up about what has been happening to me because my genuine feeling and understanding of school life now is that nothing would change. These boys would not stop or learn and move on, they would simply carry on. I have been worried that there wouldn’t be a severe enough sanction to make them stop and that things would then get worse for me. I also feel that even if I spoke up, because this kind of sexual harassment and abuse is all over the school and I see and hear it happen to other people all the time, no one would care about what was happening to me. This kind of behaviour is normalised in our school, and I have become numb to it.

My teachers all have a hard job as it is because our year group is so disruptive. I often feel that the teachers don’t have the time or energy to stop and listen and do something about what has been happening. If I was to speak up, I would be making reports every single day.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 06/12/2022 05:56

@BecauseICan22 enraged at this for your dd, this is completely unacceptable and abusive but seems to be acceptable because its in a school?
What's the schools continued excuse for them? Is it 'poor boys hard life they don't know better' or 'these are good boys good home life, it's just in jest' absolutely disgusting

TheaBrandt · 06/12/2022 07:07

Move her to a girls school. Fuck them.

BecauseICan22 · 06/12/2022 07:12

TheaBrandt · 06/12/2022 07:07

Move her to a girls school. Fuck them.

She's desperate not to move, she has lovely friends and she doesn't want the disruption of moving.

I have told her though that it may come to that.

OP posts:
daretodenim · 06/12/2022 07:43

She's desperate not to move because she doesn't know what it's like not to be continually sexually assaulted and harassed during school. She doesn't realise how disruptive it is because, as she says, it's normalised.

She can't make the decision to stay, because she doesn't have the experience to know what else there is.

But her wishes are important. She wants to stay with her friends is an important factor. You're doing a good job of protecting her from this crap to extend the opportunity that she can stay there. But there are limits on what impact you can have as you're not in charge of the teachers. Unless they buck their ideas up quickly then they're undermining your job of keeping her safe and failing in theirs. Choosing to stay in a situation of abuse isn't an option. I think she needs to understand these components. Just as if she was getting beaten up every day and the teachers were taking it mildly seriously, she shouldn't have the option of choosing to stay in the situation.

It sounds like the school has systemic problems with misogyny,

Stressedmum2017 · 06/12/2022 07:50

I think you need to move her but as well as that go over the schools head when making the complaint and saying why you are moving her. School clearly dont give a shit, that's not going to change and you can't go to the police cos she will be labeled a grass and things will just be even worse for her. Shouldn't be that way but that is the way it is.

happylove890 · 06/12/2022 07:58

something similar happened to my daughter and I moved her to a school she thrived in. Her old school dismissed what the boy was saying/doing as banter. Guess where this boy is now, 6 years on? Prison.

FrancescaContini · 06/12/2022 08:03

I’m so sorry this happened to your DD and her friends. 💐

Some teenage boys are absolute pigs. I’d also go to the police.

TheaBrandt · 06/12/2022 08:38

Mine are at a girls state school they are both thriving and happy. They never have to deal with this shit or disrupted lessons. It’s not perfect but my god it is a trillion times better than this.

PaulaTrilloe · 06/12/2022 08:41

Have to go to work now so haven't read the entire thread yet

Check out a Community interest company (CIC) called Communities.Inc.

They run a Programme called "Stand by her" about sexualised violence against women and girls by men and boys.

www.communitiesinc.org.uk

It was funded by Nottinghamshire Police Commissioner and rolled out to various local authorities nationwide.

I understand there is funded training (f2f)
Free online training. Also they can do bespoke training for organisations for a fee.

Their website has a lot of resources too.

OP thanks for advocating for your daughter

PaulaTrilloe · 06/12/2022 08:43

www.communitiesinc.org.uk

PaulaTrilloe · 06/12/2022 08:46

"Stand by Her - Ending Men's Violence Against Women." communitiesinc.org.uk/ourwork/stand-by-her/

caramac04 · 06/12/2022 09:01

This is totally unacceptable behaviour and needs to be stopped.
Ask the school what are they doing to safeguard your daughter and other pupils.
Also what are they going to do to educate these boys about their behaviour.
I suspect they are watching porn which is totally unrealistic (I’ve never watched any but that’s my understanding).
The school should be looking to employ a youth worker and ask the police to give a school wide talk to both explain what is and isn’t acceptable and where victims can get support.
The school could access training for staff to deal with sexualised behaviours.
I hope you get support from the school.
As pp’s have said, escalate to the school governors or the Local Authority if your concerns are not acted upon.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 06/12/2022 09:05

I would put an official complaint in with the school, would it be worth contacting the boys parents?

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 06/12/2022 09:06

If these little bastards were doing this to one of my DC, they would be dealt with outside of school. Is this an option for you? I am not even joking. Sometimes a hiding is all people like this understand.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/12/2022 09:36

I would mention in the meeting with the Head Teacher that you were considering going to the police about this physical assault and constant sexual harassment as the school clearly isn't up to the mark on dealing with it. I'd also mention that you are going to (not thinking about it but actually going to do it) contact the Board of Management of the school to complain about the inaction since this was raised (and you have the documentary proof of when it was raised) and nothing has been done and your DD has been exposed to even more sexual harassment in the intervening time. I'd even consider mentioning that you might be left with no alternative but to go to the press about this. It's disgusting.

I'm furious on you and your really brave daughter's behalf. This is them sticking their fingers in their ears and wearing a blindfold and hoping that the issue disappears. Except it doesn't. Boys who carry on like this become braver to what it is that they are saying so they keep pushing their boundaries and then go on to be men who think it's acceptable to do and say these things. It's not. It must stop now.

I wish you and your daughter all the best in getting this sorted.

nookierookie · 06/12/2022 10:05

When you see the Head Teacher, I think you need to be at least threatening to escalate further.

Your DD seems absolutely lovely, but she is terribly naive that these boys will definitely magically grow up and learn in the real world at some point. This is the narrative that keeps these boys able to do what they do - society always forgives horrible male behaviour until it is basically prison worthy. What do you honestly think the trigger for the epiphany will be? Unfortunately, you need to consider that even if these boys reform later in life, they are going to have lots of other female victims between now and then. If they don't reform later in life, these less harmful behaviours may escalate to something even worse. Why do these other female victims matter so little? I'm not getting at you or your daughter - you are both hugely strong women who want to effect change, just trying to challenge your daughter's very strong ingrained socialisation to be kind.

Threats, other than the police, could involve Ofsted or speaking to a journalist at the local paper once you have been through all the school complaint processes.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

atsusnaiboyz · 06/12/2022 10:08

Take all your evidence to the police and do not allow them to fob you off with dealing with it in school.

Your poor dd.

LakieLady · 06/12/2022 10:13

Stopsnowing · 19/11/2022 05:23

It staggers me how schools tolerate behaviour that would not be allowed in any other setting. Keep the police involved and the the pressure up.

I'm staggered by this, too.

These children are only a year or two away from being able to start work. This sort of behaviour would be unacceptable in any workplace, and it's time they learned that. The behaviour the OP has described is assault and sexual harassment, and I'm gobsmacked by the lack of action taken against the perpetrators.

I would go to the police, too, and be seeking a meeting with the school to ask them what the fuck they thought they were playing at. They are just teaching these boys that they can behave appallingly to girls without any fear of the consequences.

MarshaBradyo · 06/12/2022 10:16

LakieLady · 06/12/2022 10:13

I'm staggered by this, too.

These children are only a year or two away from being able to start work. This sort of behaviour would be unacceptable in any workplace, and it's time they learned that. The behaviour the OP has described is assault and sexual harassment, and I'm gobsmacked by the lack of action taken against the perpetrators.

I would go to the police, too, and be seeking a meeting with the school to ask them what the fuck they thought they were playing at. They are just teaching these boys that they can behave appallingly to girls without any fear of the consequences.

I can’t see the post you quoted but agree with both.

We don’t tolerate it in the work place but girls in schools get it daily in some cases

I get it’s hard to change but it’s not right

AnotherJaffaCakePlease · 06/12/2022 10:17

If you haven't already I'd suggest also contacting the school chair of governors and expressing your concerns. Specifically the lack of information sharing/communication between staff. Where there have been safeguarding concerns and incidents such as this, information should be shared between staff working with the pupils.

PollyPut · 06/12/2022 12:25

@BecauseICan22 I can see why there hasn't been full disclosure of the words in the report and don't think the teachers need that level of detail.

But - the boy shouldn't be next to her. The school should have made sure that they are apart in lessons. It's really not that hard.

If you tell her she might have to move schools, there is a risk she'll stop telling you what's really going on. If she really wants to stay there then it seems that your best option (only) is the report every single day being sent in to HoY until it stops?

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 15:38

Don't waste your time with the school. They are hoping that you do not make a fuss like all the other parents who have to endure their daughters suffering this scummy behaviour.

Reporting it and making a complaint to the police will give the school a proper problem to deal with as opposed to an angry parent. When it comes to stuff like this which embarrasses the staff then their instinct may be to effectively shush you on the basis that these boys and their parents are more difficult to deal with than you.