Assault at school - need objective opinions

[BecauseICan22]

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

There was a bullying incident with my year 10 a few weeks ago. Apparently he was shaking and crying and had to be talked down by the teachers. He then had to write down a statement of the incident whilst doing his RE exam, so he thinks he did poorly.

How did I find this out? It wasn’t my sensitive year 10 who told me. It was my good friend, a TA at the school who asked me if everything was ok with him the following day.

Some might say, well why didn’t your son tell you? Well, I don’t really have an answer. When I later asked him, he said he didn’t want to worry us and he was embarrassed that he broke down and would have eventually told us. TBh I’m not concerned about him telling me, it was that the school completely kept us in the dark. I was a secondary school teacher and I regularly reported incidents such as this and I assumed the HOY would be the one telling the parents etc.

As a parent, I would like to know, just to tell him I love him a few more times, boost his confidence, give him a bit of a pep talk before he left for school the next day. Offer to collect him at school if he was anxious. Instead, he kept it bottled up.

Schools seem to want to keep the ‘status quo’, rock no boats, but surely the best way to deter these bullies is by openly confronting them? Make them change seats, tell them they can’t do XYZ, etc. If everyone knows their behaviour is reprehensible won’t they be unlikely to reoffend?

I completely agree. When my nephew started high school, he was bullied by a yr11 boy for a month before he finally broke down and told us. This boy had been throwing things at him, tripping him up in the corridor, intimidating him and finally, threatened to slit his throat. One of my other nephews waited outside for the bully. After that he never so much as looked in the direction of my younger nephew again.

This is pretty ‘normal’ levels of general teasing, at worst bullying which should be dealt with alongside school policy.

your sons need better role models. They will end up in jail

Having food and bottles thrown at you in public, as well as the sexual comments..... What planet are you on? Are we not supposed to be raising strong women who don't stand for this shit anymore.....?

OP, I am so sorry your lovely DD has been subjected to this shit from these poisonous little scrotes.

I think you should complain to the Chair of governors, the head of the MAT (if the school is in one) Ofsted and go to your local MP.

You must also go into school and start quoting safeguarding protocols as have been mentioned earlier upthread.

if you want to keep your DD at the school I would also consider getting legal advice too - I’d be gunning for the HT as they are allowing this to happen.

I’m sending you and your DD unmumsnetty hugs.

This!

The planet of realism

Have you gone through secondary in the last 10-15 years?

@CombatBarbie - planet low expectations. The school of it happened to me so what's up with you, princess?

Ignore.

A local secondary near me (fortunately not the one my DDs attend) has just had an absolutely scurrilous OFSTED report which highlighted endemic bullying, constant sexual harassment of girls, and bullying of pupils with SEND. And huge safeguarding and leadership failures. This school is in a "naice" rural town where it's the only secondary option for miles apart from a private school. The dreadful OFSTED was sparked by complaints from parents who'd had enough of their kids being targeted and feeling unsafe.
Please, please report, OP, not just for the sake of your daughter but for the sake of all the other girls being failed by this school.

I would insist that the school addresses its sexual harassment issue. Possibly speak to parents of other girls and get a raft of personal attestations of what is experienced and often it happens how long it has been going on, plus naming the worst offenders. This should form a group formal complaint both to the head and the governors and ofsted imo.the school needs to accept it has an issue and put steps in place to address it.

You need to lose your shit mow, OP.

Time to call the police

I went to a very below average secondary school a lot longer than 15 years ago. The behaviour was shit. Violence. Misogyny. Smoking in high numbers. Bullying not addressed and so forth. I would have hoped the country had moved on. This isn’t a race to the bottom and girls as well as boys need to be safeguarded. This is not pretty normal behaviour and contrary to KCSIE guidance.

I think that's great advice. There are always going to be assholes out there, so showing your daughter how to deal with them will teach her resilience.

I'd move her to an all girls school. Honestly this shit never stops. I'm so sorry.

I was at a mixed comp. It wasn’t perfect but nothing like this. I wouldn’t like to be there if my teacher father witnessed what those boys were doing to ops Dd. They wouldn’t do it again I can tell you that.

Princess? how fucking rude are you. If you are raising sons that think it's acceptable to throw objects at females and subject them to lewd sexual comments then you are part of the problem.

I'm military, we do banter that's offensive to some but if any male spoke to me or any of my female teenage soldiers like that he'd be thrown in front of the RSM and re educated.

My daughter is only a teen and I've asked her if she's ever been subject to that behaviour and she looked shocked. The boys swear etc acting big but it's not at them. There's banter but not like the OP is describing.

Women are not sex objects and boys that think they are need a harsh reality check.

some retorts for your dd

Suck a d- tell me you are desperate without telling me your desperate
my friends want to xxx you- your friends are perverts and I wouldn’t even spit on them

lah blah dxxx- no girl will ever date you bc youare a pervert who abuses girls for fun

you have to verbally abuse girls who despise you bc no girl wants to go near you and it’s the only convo with girls you get. (Laugh)

Get her to destroy his self confidence back- yes it’s bitchy but this is a hostile situation. If he abuses her, she does it back double. It’s the only way they will learn. She just needs to make him feel like dirt a few times and he will back off

Fucking hell. There's always one, isn't there?

The boys are bullying OP's daughter, assaulting her and saying vile things to her and about her. The school is failing to safeguard her. And your answer is she needs to build up more resilience. Un-fucking-believable.

And if you're a teacher in school, I would question your fitness to practice.

I think it's better not to engage with this "banter" - it just tells them it's ok to keep going. So you can give any number of witty retorts to "suck my dick" but you are still getting the abuse.

it isn't banter and shouldn't be treated as such. (agree with pp - i was in the military and that's a slightly different proposition. Banter is a bit near the knuckle but this kind of stuff shouldn't be tolerated anywhere)

The reason I gave retort is because (and see the angey women threads) why should this dd pacify, appease and take the abuse while the school does nothing. He will keep going and keep escalating until he stopped. Tell him he’s going to end up on the sexual offender list if he carries on. Tell him it’s unacceptable and you hate his behaviour. Tell him he’s abusive. My retorts are mild compared to his. Males compete. They get kudos for being hard. So metaphorically kick them in the balls. Because appeasement teaches them they can get away with it. Words become actions. Sometimes you have to take a stand.

I agree that saying something like "carry on like this and you'll be on the sex offenders register" but some of the suggestions upthread are just "bants" and not treating the initial comments with the seriousness they deserve.

I went to an all girls school and didn't encounter teenage boys much at all until i had teenagers myself. But i don't know any that behave like this.

Exactly- these boys will just be a massive unpleasant force for girls they encounter.

I didn't have this at school.

A friend of mine did have similar comments to her 10 year old daughter. On reporting it, it turned out the family of the boy concerned had a LOT of problems, including consumption of porn at home by the father in shared computers. It's all about upbringing

I wanted to comment on the victim's post where she mentions that she'd find it hard to live with having made a complaint to the police / taking any other action which might adversely affect the boys future. 2 points to consider:

1. all human beings have to take responsibility for their own actions and understand cause and effect. These boys have hurt others - they carried out criminal acts. Any consequences are on them , not the victim.
2. Virtually all violent and in particular sexual crime is committed by men. That behaviour starts somewhere. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is let people suffer from the consequences of their actions while they are still young enough to reform. I doubt that they will come to that without some external intervention - why would they? Some authority coming down on them like a ton of bricks may be the thing that stops them from ending up in jail.

It might also be telling to compare how the school would react if this had been racist abuse and not misogyny