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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

378 replies

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:45

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

OP posts:
user1471442488 · 18/11/2022 20:46

Is there any reason he can’t get a taxi?

girlmom21 · 18/11/2022 20:46

Can he not just get a taxi home?

Zanatdy · 18/11/2022 20:47

Can’t he just text you when he knows he’s been discharged if it’s only 30 mins? I wouldn’t over think it. It’s a one off and for a good reason and unless you’ve got a relative or friend who could pick him up I guess you’ve just got to suck it up

Powerplant · 18/11/2022 20:48

If he’s not having a general anaesthetic he can take a taxi home.

CapMarvel · 18/11/2022 20:48

He's not going to know what time he is allowed home. Just plan for him to get a cab.

Oblomov22 · 18/11/2022 20:49

I think you're overreacting. it's one day the kids will cope. either he gets a taxi or you go and pick him up.

realistically with any operation these days You never know exactly how long discharge is going to take because they're busy and they're waiting for sign off and they're waiting for tablets and they're waiting for this and that someone tells you you're going to be discharged in 30 minutes and it turns out to be 2 1/2 hours later!

so I think you need to be realistic here and just go with the flow.

BatshitBanshee · 18/11/2022 20:49

Is patient transfer an option? Or a taxi? It will be such a faff to orchestrate with small children.

elevenplusdilemma · 18/11/2022 20:50

It's a one off and quite essential (unless the elective surgery is cosmetic).
He can call when he's been discharged then you can bundle the kids in the car and go and pick him up. They'll have a waiting room where he can wait if he can't stay in his room.
The 3 year old will probably think it's an adventure and the baby will hopefully sleep through.
Don't overthink it.

Original poster
Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:50

He is having GA so the hospital says I have to be there to pick him up, can't get a taxi home. He is getting a taxi there (that I booked for him).

OP posts:
MolesOnPoles · 18/11/2022 20:51

I agree - taxi or someone else if he can.

But if you’re the only option, I think you’re being quite unfair. He can’t know what time he will be discharged, so it’s not clear what you expect of him.

The kids will be fine being gently put in the car.

MelchiorsMistress · 18/11/2022 20:51

If there really no other way of him getting home or the babies being cared for, then you will just have to accept that it’s going to be a chaotic night. Just keep them up late, it won’t do any harm.

It’s not nice of you to be complaining that you need to know a time when there’s simply no way of giving you one and it does come across as a bit heartless when he has to have an operation, even a minor one.

Oblomov22 · 18/11/2022 20:51

1 day of kids, not having a bath won't kill them.

You don't drive there and then sit in the cold car park waiting. you wait until he is completely fully discharged and then he phoned you, you start driving and collect him. It's that easy. Your whole view of this is skewed.

A580Hojas · 18/11/2022 20:52

YABU for expecting your dh to know exactly what time he'll be discharged! You both should have arranged a babysitter for this.

Onnabugeisha · 18/11/2022 20:52

He’s not going to know the exact time he will be discharged and no one at the hospital is going to commit to even a two hour window.

Just have him call you when he’s being discharged, pop the DC in the car in their PJs and go pick him up. The hospital can wheel him to the pick up point just outside an entrance/exit. It’s only a 30min drive each way.

It will be fine. I think your DH is being blasé to counter your over anxiety about this.

pictish · 18/11/2022 20:53

It’s just going to be one of those thing. A pain in the arse but a one off. Tell him not to be huffy, it won’t bloody help.

DemelzaandRoss · 18/11/2022 20:53

YABU. It’s a one off. Worse things happen. Hope your DH gets over his operation ok.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 18/11/2022 20:53

The hospital can't work around your sons bedtime

LIZS · 18/11/2022 20:53

Can he not call when being discharged? Hardly his fault it was changed.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/11/2022 20:53

I think you are being pretty unfair and a bit scathing on the scale of his op

He can’t possibly know what time he will be out; and is probably a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. He doesn’t also need a load of gripe about bedtime.

This is one of those times when you accept the minor inconvenience and suck it up to be a support to your partner.

CapMarvel · 18/11/2022 20:53

If he can't get a cab then you need to find a babysitter or just suck it up. One late, slightly chaotic night won't kill anyone.

Original poster
Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:53

@Zanatdy I will need to bath and dress the children in the pjs before I leave the house so I can just put them straight to bed when we get home. It works fine if we know the exact time, but if it's an hour or two later then it'll get quite tricky.

I should add that he has never looked after both dc on his own, so he probably does see if from my POV.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/11/2022 20:54

Oblomov22 · 18/11/2022 20:51

1 day of kids, not having a bath won't kill them.

You don't drive there and then sit in the cold car park waiting. you wait until he is completely fully discharged and then he phoned you, you start driving and collect him. It's that easy. Your whole view of this is skewed.

Or this.

Do what you have to do.

Dahlia444 · 18/11/2022 20:55

MelchiorsMistress · 18/11/2022 20:51

If there really no other way of him getting home or the babies being cared for, then you will just have to accept that it’s going to be a chaotic night. Just keep them up late, it won’t do any harm.

It’s not nice of you to be complaining that you need to know a time when there’s simply no way of giving you one and it does come across as a bit heartless when he has to have an operation, even a minor one.

This. Your DH honestly has no control over his discharge time at all. On this occasion you need to work out how to go with the flow. I've always been a bit obsessive about bedtime routines so I do understand your stress though. Good luck.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 18/11/2022 20:55

He can't give you that information, he'll have. A general idea of when the operation will start, how long it will last, how long it will take him to come round from the anaesthetic, how long it will take for him to be cleared for discharge. At every single one of those steps it could happen earlier or later than planned and there is nothing at all that your DH can do about it.

Either sort out someone else to pick him up, or accept that for this one day bedtime could get completely cocked up and you will just need to deal with it. It's one day.

Velvian · 18/11/2022 20:55

He won't know what time he is going to be discharged. He is probably quite nervous about the GA. Yiu have to go, so it's just something you have to deal with. No point worrying him about it.

Elective or not, it quite a stressful thing to go through.