Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

[Unicornenthusiast]

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

You would probably be equally aggrieved if he did choose to stay in overnight, leaving you alone with young dc.

What about an earlier bathtime for kids, or no bath at all. I agree it's a total pain but if partner lets you know when he's been fully discharged then you could just bundle kids up to go and get him. Is there not a neighbour or friend who could collect him. Call in a favour and all that. Hope he gets on ok.

Your DH could be last on the list for the day, and might end up staying overnight anyway. (Happened to my DH, expected to pick him up early evening but due to being last on the list and a more difficult procedure than expected they kept him in).

Are you minimising the fact that he’s going under a GA for an op and focussing instead on disruption to the DCs as a way of dealing with worries?

Your last post doesn't suggest you've truly understood the facts here.

He can't tell you what time you can pick him up.
The Dr's, Nurses, hospital staff can't tell you what time you can pick him up.

No one can tell you what time you can pick him up until they know he is ok to go home, and they won't know that, until they know that, and they cannot give you the answer you want. It is not possible.

Stick the kids to bed on the sofa if it gets to bedtime, put some coffee on and wait until he/hospital ring you to collect him or to let you know he is staying in.

And let him know you do care, but you're stressing over this irrelevancy because really, you're a bit worried about him having a GA and all that entails and the risks involved.

He has no way of knowing, so it's not his fault it's inconvenient. If I was having an operation, I'd be expecting DH to pick me up, look after the kids and not make the logistics my problem.

If a mum had posted that her DH didn't want to pick her up after a medical procedure because it would mildly disrupt their children, how would that man be castigated?!!!!

If you are only 30 mins away he can just call you when he’s discharged and you set off then. No need for hanging around. They don’t kick you out the second the paperwork is done.

Tbh, it sounds like you don’t care, and are looking at it as one big inconvenience. It’s a one off. He can’t tell you the exact time he will be discharged, as the hospital will decide in their own time depending on the availability of the doctor who gives the thumbs up. Your DCs might have to have a bit of disruption in their bedtime, but they won’t be scarred long term, and all will be back to normal the night after.

Make sure he can meet you outside when my dad had GA they told me I HAD to come in and get him I said I can't I have ds they wouldn't let him in the hospital due to covid restrictions at the time so they found a nurse who fancied a fag break and met me outside there would be no way could I juggle TWO kids and fetch someone bad enough with one!

Taxi or stay overnight.

I got a taxi home post GA - you tell tell the hospital someone is picking you up.

I wouldn’t even entertain collecting him, just book a taxi and tell him it’s that or stay.

If you it is on you.

Perhaps book an unclenching procedure OP. Let DH look after the kids

That's a horrible attitude! Isn't the OP supposed to love and care about this man?!

How inconvenient.

It's 1 night I really wouldn't worry about throwing kids out of a routine for 1 night.

He’ll have no idea when discharge will be. He might not even get discharged that night depending on how he reacts to anaesthetic, when he actually gets operated on etc.

I had an afternoon operation which got delayed until 4pm, I was discharged at 11pm from an nhs hospital.
I was almost kept overnight as I was slow to come out of the anaesthetic.

I’m sure the kids will cope. It’s not great to get so caught up in a routine that you aren’t able to be flexible when your DH is having an actual operation under GA! You’ll only feel the repercussions of a bad night with the kids for a maximum of one day. GA can really knock it put of you and I think you’re being rather unfair.

They would not discharge without someone coming in to collect me. Policy at 3 different hospitals. I had 20 plus general anaesthetics as a day case. Other rules too eg under hour drive home. In London when no one could meet me I had to stay overnight.

Yabu

1 night won't hurt.
When they've done his discharge papers you go get him. They won't kick him out! They'll let him wait till u get there.

I think you are being very unreasonable. If my partner was having surgery I would go collect them whenever they needed picking up (whether or not I needed to take the kids with me).

The kids would do a better job 👫

It's a private hospital. He stays overnight because you can't collect him. Correct? Sorted.

He's probably a bit concerned about being put under a general and thinks you don't give a fuck. Just a job to tick off.

I do get that as a mother and practical though. I'm practical like that. He does have feelings though and a one off won't hurt.

There is absolutely no way he can predict how long he'll take to come round and subsequently be discharged. YABVU.

The only one being an arse here is you, OP!!

Jesus... Do you even like your husband?? I would be devastated if my DH acted like me havin an operation under GA was such a massive inconvenience.

Nothing bad will happen if you either put the kids to bed and get them up again and into the car or keep them up late. He doesn't know what time he will get out. I also have minor day case surgery booked for a couple of weeks and have no idea what time I'll be discharged as I have no idea when my surgery will be. I just have to turn up at 8am.

FWIW, my husband is in the military and is deploying in a week and a half, so my FIL is driving an hour and a half 4 times in a day to take me, go back home, come back to collect me and take me back to his until I feel well enough to be alone. (the local hospital couldn't take me until May but it's been deemed as urgent and needing done sooner rather than later, hence the different hospital).

Regardless, that's what you do for your family and those you love.

There was a thread this week asking his people stay happily married in the long term.

Seeming like you actually like your partner, are willing to flex your routine when they're having surgery under GA instead of showing contempt is one way. Do you have any concern for what he's having done tomorrow?