Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

[Unicornenthusiast]

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

You need to learn to chill. One day out of routine isn’t the end of the world. Change of time isn’t your DH’s fault so stop being precious and just pick him up

It sounds like you have spent years pandering to him/martyring yourself and are (understandably) starting to resent it.

Coming back to this I really think the response given (myself included) are harsh, with added context.

Let's face it, taking a couple of kids out in the ebony is a minor pain in the arse, but the majority of us would do it without question because our OHs are not complete dicks to us.

OP you are resentful, quite rightly, because he does what appears to be fuck all. So, it's up to you now to decide whether or not you want your future to be better.

The relationship is vastly unbalanced, if you are doing it all anyway you may as well do it without having to carry him along too.

12 posters would've already told her that they would've left/divorced if their partner couldn't even be bothered to pick them up. A few others would've said that it's obvious the husband doesn't do enough childcare which is why he can't handle them for the night 😂😂😂

Oh burn on me🙄

I'm not the one taking advantage of my spouse. Nobody is going to help by patting her on the head and saying it will all be fine. Her husband clearly dgaf about how his actions impact her and if she was my rl friend I'd be telling her the same. It's boring hearing how little consideration these men have over and over and over again, do something about it. Demand better. You're all raising another generation of doormat women.

It's one night of potential disruption. I personally think the needs of your husband for this one off thing, trumps your kids bedtime routine.

@Unicornenthusiast - what did you end up doing?

So...
Just to clarify, I NEVER said that I wouldn't pick my husband up. I said that I would find it quite difficult because of the timing and that we should have a plan if things were delayed significantly. If that makes me a terrible wife then so be it.

I didn't hear anything until DH finally messaged me at after 7pm. The hospital hadn't called me when they were supposed to, DH though they had called me but they hadn't. A nurse called me at 7.30 to ask me to pick him up, it took me about 25 min to wrestle DD into her pyjamas and get both kiddos ready and set in the car. Dh was very groggy but fine otherwise, DC didn't sleep in the car but were ok. Ds was overtired and giddy by the time i was putting him down at 9.30 ish, DH went straight to bed. Dd was an absolute trooper!

Dh has been tired today but otherwise OK, I've been out with one or both of the dc all morning so that he could rest in a quiet house, that's how horrible I am. They're all napping now. It worked out fine because it wasn't too late, had it been after 10 say I probably would have struggled to drive safely.

Nurses can say he gets discharged at 11 and he still might be waiting on the notes/prescriptions at 6 and eat his dinner at the hospital. If possible let him take a taxi,if not, let him call you when he is actually discharged and got his paperwork.

So basically all your drama was over nothing in the end.

Absolutely no need for it really, you mmagsed in the end.

What a drama queen

The drama is over the fact her husband and father of her children is utterly ignorant of what’s involved in looking after those children. He doesn’t know how to parent his kids himself and takes OP’s parenting for granted. He assumes everything is fine because he doesn’t have to do it when actually OP is struggling with the day to day and finding any change to routine scary because it has the potential to tip her over the edge.

@Unicornenthusiast Glad it worked out for you. Having a contingency plan for if things don’t work out is not dramatic but is actually what most mature people do. Really strange responses you got on this thread.

Yes, he is ignorant of the effort, and that needs to change.

But the vast majority of us in this thread, on mumsnet, are not ignorant if the challenges of babies and toddlers. Many of us are in the thick of it ourselves. And still think the OP is being OTT and a bit of a drama queen.

OTT about breaking the kids routine and picking up from the hospital, yes. But that isn’t what she’s actually worked up about. She’s worked up about being taken for granted, and while the thrust of this thread is ineffective for tackling that, her upset isn’t OTT. She’s focused all her ire on a single event instead of the underlying dynamic, a common problem when you feel powerless, but that underlying dynamic is definitely worth getting worked up over. The situation she’s in will destroy her marriage, her sense of self and her enjoyment of life if she lets it continue.

Unreasonable of your husband not to keep you updated while he was under a general anaesthetic. He could have at very least tried to overcome the sedative and paralysing medication to twitch an eyelid to alert the anaesthetist to text you.

You'd have struggled to drive safely after 10? Are you 90 years old?

That's good news, OP. 9:30 is a manageable time to get back. It must be something of a relief to be this side of the event now!

So true!! Ltb 😆

Pleased to hear it all went well OP and you managed, I completely understand where you were coming from. Ignore some of the posters on this thread, a number of them sound like prize twats.

Wow. Sounds like whizz bang stand the troops down.

Is your ‘DH’ ok?

Tired OP is fucking tired you don't need to be an ass about it

I've had two GAs in the last 18 months.

They cannot release him until all his vitals are satisfactory. This is unpredictable for the hospital, so he can't be expected to know when he'll be released.

He cannot make his own way home in case he has a bad reaction to the GA etc. It would be unfair on a taxi driver to have to cope with that, not knowing his history. He needs to be collected by someone close. If no-one else is available, that's you.

It won't harm the kids to go with you, it'll be an adventure. It's only the once.

Bring all the quilts and pillows in the car (and something to wee in) and anything else you need so they're warm and comfortable.

He's frightened. They aren't as good as this as we are.

More likely she's aware of the risks of driving when tired.

@IDontWantToBeAPie I have a baby that I still breastfeed at night. I also wake up if he coughs or cries in his sleep because I have a baby monitor. I haven't slept past 7am for about 3 years so and I look after two young children all day so I tend to feel pretty tired by 9pm.

You must be fun at parties. Take a chill pill, a night of disrupted routines won’t hurt, even if he tells you when he’s due out so many things can change relating to him and the rest of the surgery list. Take a chill pill and go with the flow and stop being so precious.