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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

378 replies

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:45

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

OP posts:
MolesOnPoles · 18/11/2022 20:55

But OP, I bet most people on this thread have looked after kids, and we’ve all given you solutions.

It might be tricky, but it’s doable. And it’s the obvious/ kind thing to do for your other half!

Onnabugeisha · 18/11/2022 20:55

I’d bath and put the DC to bed as normal and then just pick them up out of bed and carry them to the car when you leave. Pre-warn the 3yo that this will be happening as a midnight adventure to get their dad. I wouldn’t keep them up.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/11/2022 20:55

I think you are wanting him to give you an exact time when he is not in a position to do so. It is not in his control. It depends on the list, recovery time, when his doctor reviews him and completes the discharge, medications etc.

rwalker · 18/11/2022 20:56

I don’t get the drama for a 1 off just bath them early then put them in car

BornIn78 · 18/11/2022 20:56

Nobody at the hospital is going to stop him from getting a taxi home.

If they do, then they’ll have to keep him in overnight and you collect him in the morning.

Problem solved.

Thelongwayround · 18/11/2022 20:56

It sounds from your posts that your husband just doesn’t make your life very easy and you resent this additional inconvenience. As a stand alone event you’re being unreasonable but it seems like there’s a back story.

Idbetternamechange · 18/11/2022 20:56

Having had non-elective procedures recently (private) I’m not sure you can expect to be given an exact discharge time.

Ive had the same procedure 3 times recently and each time the time taken has varied, as has as the recovery time prior to discharge.

Also, and you haven’t mentioned this yet, but my husband had to be there at outpatients admission to acknowledge that he was the one responsible for pick up & to confirm his phone number and where he would be waiting etc. Have you factored this in to your arrangements? (Maybe different hospitals work differently though?)

Have they given you an indication as to how long they expect the procedure to take? Mine was 2-3 hours but the one took around 6 ☹️

Probably not the response you were hoping for but it’s best to be prepared for all scenarios. Sorry.

Travis1 · 18/11/2022 20:56

He can’t tell you what he doesn’t know. Are you always like this?

antipodeancanary · 18/11/2022 20:57

If it's a ga at our local hospital, the collecting person has to go right in and be talked through the medication regime, and agree that they will be with the patient overnight. It will not be a case of just sitting in the carpark waiting for him to wander out.

pictish · 18/11/2022 20:57

I might even…skip the bath.
Sorry if too mental for some.

CapMarvel · 18/11/2022 20:57

The hospital will not be able or willing to give you a time, so what do you expect the guy to say?

Get the kids ready for bed and let them stay up late watching TV or dozing on the sofa until it's time to pick him up. Easy.

PinkSyCo · 18/11/2022 20:58

You don’t like your husband very much do you OP?

lunar1 · 18/11/2022 20:58

They can do without a bath for one night. Just get them changed after dinner. He can text you when he knows what time he will be released.

Lots of people are anxious and stressed the day before an op, I wouldn't be too hard on him.

Zanatdy · 18/11/2022 20:59

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:53

@Zanatdy I will need to bath and dress the children in the pjs before I leave the house so I can just put them straight to bed when we get home. It works fine if we know the exact time, but if it's an hour or two later then it'll get quite tricky.

I should add that he has never looked after both dc on his own, so he probably does see if from my POV.

Not ideal but you can let him sleep then carry to car. Hospitals aren’t going to give you an exact time unfortunately and not much your DH can do about it

Natty13 · 18/11/2022 21:00

This is the kind of thing that wouldn't matter to you much if you had a husband who pulls his weight with his kids and his family life.

Obviously you're one of those women who tolerate doing more than her fair share then when something like this comes along it's the straw which broke the camels back.

Moraxella · 18/11/2022 21:00

You can’t predict recovery from a GA to an hour and give a time, it’s impossible. If you’re hoping he will stay in then they may not even have the facilities to be open overnight and only do daycase procedures. If it’s afternoon I shouldn’t think he would be out before 6 so just bathe the kids and get them dressed in warm clothes then play it by ear. We normally can escort people to the hosp front door to meet their family member if they can’t come up to ward.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 18/11/2022 21:00

You're being unreasonable here. No-one can tell you what time he'll be ready to go until about an hour before he's ready to go. He'll be able to text you as soon as he's capable (or the nurse will call you if the phone signal is dodgy) and then it will be at least an hour while he's checked over and given a cup of tea and a biscuit, which will give you time to get the children in the car and get there.

He'll have had a GA, it's a big deal for him even if it isn't for you.

Original poster
Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 21:01

I don't resent the pick up and I've now planned for it. It's the fact that DH is so blasé about it, so he says it should be 8pm but what if it turns out to be 10pm or 12pm? He has the option of staying in hospital overnight but he says he doesn't want to do that.

OP posts:
NoDairyNoProblem · 18/11/2022 21:02

Having had three young children in a similar position a few years ago I genuinely can’t see why you are so upset by this.

Drive your DH there, pop home with the children for early supper/bath/pyjamas then into the car with a snuggly blanket each to fetch your DH. Its a one off.

CherrySocks · 18/11/2022 21:02

This is two different things. 1) Your DH doesn't know what time he will be discharged.
2) You are stressed about having to take two very young children out in a car after their bedtime.

There are also two other things a) it would be nice if you could be more supportive about your partner having to have an operation and general anaesthetic which is always scary
b) if your DH never helps with the bedtime routine that is a separate issue which you could have been addressing / could address in future

CapMarvel · 18/11/2022 21:03

If it turns out to be 11pm and he is able to stay then he stays. In that case just give him a cutoff time after which you won't pick him up.

yellowjellytot · 18/11/2022 21:04

Unfortunately there's no way anyone can know an exact time, it's just one of those things. Could you get someone on standby to babysit? Or just pop them in the car in PJ's whenever you need to, they'll be ok for one day without the usual bedtime routine.

deflatedbirthday · 18/11/2022 21:04

OP I really feel for your DH here. I've been in his position. He's probably nervous and anxious already about the op (even if he doesn't admit it!). Presumably this is an op for a reason. And if it's elective you'll have had some notice. Your DC won't melt if they don't have a bath for one night! It's a one off occasion. I had an op last year at privately hospital 2.5 hours away. DH had to take me for 7am (luckily DML sorted the kids for the morning), drive back to WFH as he wasn't allowed to wait (covid), pick the kids up and come collect me when I was discharged. It's was a shit show of a day (believe me 2.5 hours on a motorway after abdominal surgery was not pleasant!) but it was one day. You love each other. You make it work. He's not deliberately trying to annoy you and he probably feels like a massive inconvenience right now, on top of his pre op anxiety. Be kind to him.

libraryday · 18/11/2022 21:04

YABU.
The kids will survive one night slightly out of routine. Get them ready and into bed and then ask him to call when he's almost ready to be discharged. They'll be fine in the car with blankets etc.
Having said that I would have been anxious about similar scenarios before I had to do it myself (husband travelled a lot so lots of late night runs to train station) so I understand your feelings. It will be fine.

Catflapping · 18/11/2022 21:04

It’s one night… keep the 3 year old up and watch a movie or their favourite tv programme, wait for a text from him and go and collect him. If discharge is taking too long, baby in the pram and take 3 year into the hospital. I think you are being a bit dramatic tbh.