Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

[Unicornenthusiast]

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

OP I actually don’t see why you’re getting such a pile on tbh. You have small kids and it’s an arse to get them all comfy in bed and then undo all that - and to top it all off you don’t know when you’ll have to do it, so you can’t say go to bed yourself but set an alarm for midnight or whenever.
The PPs all aghast at your lack of care for partner undergoing GA - the risks are infinitesimal and I wouldn’t give a second thought to a partner undergoing GA. I would be annoyed that he was electing to come home when it was a huge unnecessary disruption to me and he could equally well stay at the hospital for a restful and well cared for post op experience.
But hey, you and I are clearly very unreasonable people 😂I hope the op goes well and that your partner does more by himself for DC in future …

What does it matter? It's one night. Yes it's inconvenient but it's one time and not an everyday occurrence so either keep them up or just get them out of bed if it starts to get late. The world will keep on turning.

He won’t know an exact time. If there really is no one else you just have to suck it up and get on with it. Yes it might be a bit inconvenient but you - and the kids - will manage! This is just life.

Do you not have a friend or neighbour who will sit with your children whilst you go? If they are good sleepers that will help, and just tell DH only to ring you when he's actually discharged and ready to be collected not whilst he's waiting.

If you don't it's a bit of a pain but still ok for a one off. And definitely try to cultivate something that means you can get help in the future.

Well, what if it IS 8pm or 10pm? What on earth do you expect him to do about it? Walk out if it doesn't start on time? Barge into the operating theatre and tell the surgeon to hurry up with the previous patient? Ask them to stitch him up halfway through the op and finish the rest at a later date if it's running over?

Sounds like he's telling you everything he knows and being honest that he can't say for definite, because of course he can't!

I don't understand how someone can have 2 kids and be this clueless about hospitals and medical procedures. What would you have said if someone asked you when you'd be finished giving birth?

Of course he doesn't want to stay in hospital if he doesn't have to, who would? It's a weekend, presumably you don't have to be up for work the next day, sticking 2 kids in the car really isn't such a huge deal for a one-off. You're making a huge mountain out of a molehill.

The only part that he is unreasonable is never having looked after his own 2 kids alone, which is a bit ridiculous - but have you ever given him the opportunity?

Ok, I’ve had 5 children. At one point age 4, 2 and newborn and I’ve been in this position.

Honestly, don’t make it harder than it needs be. They don’t even need a daily bath at that age, they still sleep. Routines are mostly just stress you bring to yourself.

Let them fall asleep in front of the TV or on your bed. Plonk in car when ready, don’t stay up even- just put the phone on loud.

My husband did exactly this when I went in for an op. I rang him when I was ready to be discharged and he got the kids in the car and drove over. I stayed in the ward and none of the staff seemed worried that it would take him a while to get there - they understood he had to sort the kids. He rang me when he arrived and I walked out to him (he was allowed to park right by the entrance because he was picking up) - the nurses offered to see me out but I was okay walking on my own. One of the kids woke up (in a cute sleepy way) and seemed to enjoy the adventure. When we got home he settled me on the sofa with the remote and went and settled the kids back in bed. It really wasn't that big a deal (much easier for my husband than it was for me!) There's no way I'd have known in advance when I would be discharged - so much depended on what order they did the ops in. But it didn't matter, hubby just said to ring when I was ready and they would come.

Maybe if OP hadn’t drip fed the fact that her DH had the option to stay overnight, she wouldn’t have got such a pile on.

He's not going to know what time he is being discharged and if he's having a GA he will need to be medically fit before they decide he is well enough to go home.

im sure not bathing the kids or doing it earlier will be fine for one night. Can you not put the heating on in the car? It's not that cold for a November at present

What's his reason for not staying overnight?

Yes, you do sound very routine bound, but I deleted what I was going to say, because I realised that yes, if it's really late, it's not about you just putting them in the car. You'll have to get them out at the other end and take them with you to the day surgery ward. Because after a GA they won't just let him leave without seeing that there's someone picking him up and accompanying him to the car. And with a toddler and a bay interrupted from their sleep, that's going to be tough.

So yes, if he doesn't realise that, he's being somewhat unreasonable.

Sorry op you just need to be adaptable for this one.

Though he should be able to meet you at the car. I had a GA earlier this year and once consultant had been in and had a word, I packed my bag and walked out and just left. No one came running after me to see if I was going home with someone responsible!

This was a private hospital.

So you should be able to wait in the car with the engine running and the heating on for the DC.

Maybe if OP hadn’t drip fed the fact that her DH had the option to stay overnight, she wouldn’t have got such a pile on.

Surely most people would choose to come home rather then stay a night in hospital?

YABVVU
Imagine the shoe was on the other foot. Its one night, you've got it completely out of proportion

I can totally see why he'd want to be home to rest and recover in his own bed especially with the way things are at the moment. The hospital are likely to want him out ASAP too. I don't quite know what you're expecting from him in terms of the bedtime routine- he has no way of knowing what time he'll be discharged at and no way of knowing whether or not his surgery will be moved back further so I think it's unreasonable to expect him to get as stressed as you seem to be about that when he can't do a thing about it. I think it's a one off, so you could maybe adjust their routine for one night to shorten it to make it more manageable for you. Are you worried about his surgery and are over focusing on this aspect as a result? Longer term would be good to try to develop your network so you have someone that could babysit for you because these things do come up in life.

I'm sure the babies will survive one night without a bath your husband is having surgery ffs

Amen

Why the hell would he want to stay overnight unless he had to? I think your attitude is really cruel, and if I was your DH, I would stay overnight to get a break. No doubt you wouldn't be happy with that either!!

I promise you (as the mother of 3 adult children!) that putting them out of their routine for ONE NIGHT is not a big issue!!!

Can you get the children in bed and asleep then ask a neighbour to sit with them for an hour while you go to pick up your OH. Obviously he will have to be ready to leave as soon as you get there.

So the DC bedtime routine will be disrupted for one night? As Bubbie says "From this, little children do not die". The DC will be fine. Sounds to me more as if YOUR routine being is disrupted, not the DCs.

Interesting that your DH is able to have outpatient GA with no one there. DH and I have both had outpatient GA and were told that we must be accompanied by our 'responsible party' for the duration or the surgery would be cancelled. No idea what they do if there is no responsible party.

Even if is minor he may still be worried and wants you there; not ideal with young children but it is at once off. If you don’t have anyone to look after the kids you just have to take then with you. Be there for him

Not if they were married to OP they wouldn’t. 😳

They can go one night without a bath and have a later bedtime surely?

You’re very unreasonable. It’s one night, your kids will survive. How is your husband supposed to know the exact time he will be discharged? You sound u caring towards him tbh.

If he has ga and therefore needs picking up he won’t know exact time. It depends what time surgery, how quickly he comes around and how quick they do discharge paperwork. I had 20 plus general anaesthetics as day surgery most times ok, sometimes took longer to come around. Take a bowl and towel I was violently sick in his car on two occasions due to anaesthetic. Always grateful dh and young dc picked me up - yes it was often late at night. You just have to do it sometimes. If he can stay overnight at no extra cost them maybe suggest that again. If not for one night it will be fine. I’d definitely look into getting a babysitter lined up so you aren’t in a similar position again.