To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

[CanStopWillStop]

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

No, I really wouldn't be happy and if they was to do it again I wouldn't let my child stay over

Co Sleeping needs to be done safely
i think you’re right to ask her not to do this
It would be easy for the child to get too hot; they are between two adults with their bedding etc
she can put her back in the cot and put her hand on her until your DD settles

I wouldn't allow them to have her overnight till she's older.

Please don’t let them have her to sleep overnight again. You have expressly told them your wishes and they have done what they pleased. I shudder at co-sleeping as babies die all the time from being crushed and over heating in between tired parents. It’s too big a risk, she is your beautiful baby and you can’t risk anything terrible happening as you’d never forgive yourself or MIL.

I wouldn't like it because they've gone against your wishes but I also wouldn't be massively worried about co-sleeping risks when they're a toddler rather than a baby.

At 1yo I wouldn’t be too concerned about any risks unless either of them are very heavy, sleep like the dead or drink alcohol

They should abide by your wishes though

Cosleeping works when facilitating breastfeeding in conjunction with the safe sleep 7. It doesn’t work with grandparents.

having said that I think 1 is quite old and if they have her in the middle and take away pillows/keep the duvet at waist level I don’t think it’s a huge issue

I think risk in your baby's age is decreased, but I would be annoyed she didn't follow your routine.

She'd probably just lie to you

The issue here is your in laws going against your wishes. You have every right to be angry at them for that and to set boundaries as you see fit.
SIDs is not a concern for a one year old. And co-sleeping can be done safely. I just want to state that as I think it’s important that any co-sleeping parents or parents who might be considering it are correctly informed.

you can't have it both ways.
presumably she provides free childcare.
she will do it her way.
she has brought up children and sees no harm in it.
you disagree.
so don't send the child there.
it is unrealistic to expect MIL to comply in this situation.
just make other arrangements.

I genuinely don’t think it’s appropriate for gp’s to co sleep with baby dgc. I can’t even explain why, it just gives me the ick. I have occasionally shared a bed with a dgc when they were at least three years old and at the dgc’s request and parents approval. My dh wasn’t in the bed though so plenty of room.
I just have visions of them being hot and sweaty and feeling claustrophobic plus being breathed over. Ok I think I might be projecting how I would feel sandwiched in between two giants.
Ultimately you have made a logical and reasonable decision about how and where your dc sleeps and that should be respected.

This.

If you tell her not to it's likely she just won't tell you. As it's a big concern for you I think you'll have to stop overnights until she's old enough to tell you where she's sleeping.

This is a completely personal cultural impression though - just because it gives you the ick, doesn't mean it's inappropriate. I regularly coslept with my Indian grandparents as a child and it was as normal as cosleeping with my mum or sleeping in my own bed.
The only inappropriate thing here is that MIL went against your expressly defined wishes, OP.

This is exactly the reason why I'd be having trust issues to give my baby to my parents, because I know my mum won't follow. She always has her "better" ideas. My friend gave her in-laws proper telling off for giving sweets to her DDs, even though she said they're not allowed due to milk allergy. But nooo, grandparents always know better. Why the hell do we allow them. Or co-sleeping as in OP's case. Ugh.

I’d hold off with overnight stays for a while

Is the man your actual father-in-law or your mother-in-law’s partner?

You don’t want your child co-sleeping and she has gone against your wishes. If she were putting my child in bed with an unrelated man I would go apeshit.

AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

It's unreasonable that you're being annoyed about it, but haven't told them not to do it. I've always made it very clear how I want my child to be looked after and expectations regarding food/sleep when being babysat and the family have always complied, but they're not mind readers.

I think what you need to do is not let her stay over. It is actually quite odd, IMO, to co-sleep with someone else's child unless you are maintaining their normal routine.

As a grandparent at this age no. They're too small. Ours climb into our bed between six and seven. I get a cuppa, put the TV on. But we're all awake then. As a young mum I fell asleep breastfeeding and lost baby under the covers. Scared myself so much. Never coslept again.

They're safe in a cot

Pay someone to babysit at your house and come home after your night out 🤷

I wouldn’t trust them so I wouldn’t be asking that the child stays overnight again

If someone else looks after your child, they will do it their way. If you don't like it, don't send her. But at one the risk from SIDS is negligible, they can roll over by themselves and as long as she's in between the pillows high up with duvet at her waist, she will be perfectly safe.

I'd never let her be without me at their house again. The trust is gone.