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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

167 replies

CanStopWillStop · 18/11/2022 14:34

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 18/11/2022 22:31

Yanbu. They should stick to the routine you tell them to.
“I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them” Why does she? Why doesn’t she want to just settle her in the cot? For most adults having a baby in the bed would make them more alert and less able to sleep. Are they heavy sleepers? If so it’s even less safe, and it’s not about SIDS, but accidental suffocation of a baby that’s stuck between two adults and under bedding.

Coffeepot72 · 18/11/2022 23:27

I would stop overnights OP, they are ignoring your wishes and the co-sleeping stuff makes me feel uneasy

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2022 23:30

I wouldn’t have her sleep over with them again until she’s quite a bit older.

It doesn’t sound like safe Co sleeping to me, even at 1 yo, and I also wouldn’t like that she went against your wishes.

SpangledShambles · 18/11/2022 23:33

So MIL’s partner is not grandad presumably? Unrelated old bloke co-sleeping with your one year old dd- I would have a problem with that. Also with the ignoring your rules. Get a babysitter.

CatLoaf · 18/11/2022 23:41

My MIL does it with 2 yo DD sometimes - I don't argue because she's just looked after her for 3 nights in a row to let dh and I have a long weekend away... And I also don't find it 'ick' or dangerous. (DD obviously not a baby - though I guess neither is yours technically!) There's plenty MIL does that pisses me off, but she does provide free childcare, and none of it is exactly terrible, so I put up with it! Plus she's on her own, no partner, I think that would make me feel differently.

Bluelightbaby · 18/11/2022 23:49

This raises so many safe guarding concerns in my eyes ! Ignore the Sid’s factor…..the fact that she’s sleeping in a bed with two adults that aren’t her parents is very very disturbing…..but then I was abused as a child so I see things slightly warped

PinkSyCo · 18/11/2022 23:50

It’s not unusual for 1 year old’s not to settle in (travel) cots that they’re not used to. May be better for your MIL to babysit at yours in future and either she stay over or you come home at a reasonable hour so that she can go home.

Chasingclouds100 · 18/11/2022 23:53

PinkSyCo · 18/11/2022 23:50

It’s not unusual for 1 year old’s not to settle in (travel) cots that they’re not used to. May be better for your MIL to babysit at yours in future and either she stay over or you come home at a reasonable hour so that she can go home.

Perfect solution!

Sometimeswinning · 18/11/2022 23:54

I wouldn't have an issue. If your baby finds it more comforting sleeping with gp than in a travel cot then surely that's fine. If you expect a strict bedtime routine then don't have your child in another house! At 1 they surely can't expect to just adjust to a whole new environment.

Juicylychee · 18/11/2022 23:59

Her partner? Fuck no. She can babysit at your house so your one year old is safe in her cot.

TwinklingStarlight · 19/11/2022 00:03

It would be no overnights until DD can speak for herself, for me. She's given you the info. The fact they were doing you a favour for free wouldn't make you feel any better if anything did go wrong.

Irrespective of the MN opinion of babies cosleeping with their own parents (hint: it's a spectrum, there's not one single answer) OP has made it very clear what her personal view is. That is the starting point here. This is not a debate about whether GPs should cosleep with 1 year olds, it's whether GPs should respect the mother's own safety rules or not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2022 01:40

yanbu
In the middle of the 2 of them is not safe co sleeping.

Floralnomad · 19/11/2022 02:02

This is beyond inappropriate, stop leaving your child there overnight even if that means you miss events .

CatSeany · 19/11/2022 02:49

I co-sleep with my daughter every night, but I still wouldn't trust anyone else to. I don't know why really. I just assume they'll do it unsafely and won't pay attention to where the pillows are or how warm she is, or that they might not notice when she wakes up. I'd ask them to stop too in your position.

deeperthanallroses · 19/11/2022 02:49

Is it very occasionally? If you started a few months ago, and there have been at least 3 times judging from your op, it sounds more like once a month or two. That’s not really very occasionally to have a child free night when you have very young children in most peoples books! Sure some people have their dc stay overnight at grandparents weekly but for most of us it’s maybe once or twice a year or not at all.
where I’m going with this is if it’s regular and you are keen for them to so you can get out, they are understandably going to feel more like they should be able to do it their way as they are doing you a substantial favour, it’s not at all you giving into their incessant requests to have dgc all night.

Geppili · 19/11/2022 03:33

I would never trust her again. Also I shudder at the idea of a baby lying between this unreliable grandmother and her 'partner'.
Make other childcare arrangements.

nobird · 19/11/2022 03:43

I think it’s desperately sad that it’s regarded as icky and a safeguarding concern for the partner of the grandmother to be sleeping alongside the baby. I wouldn’t have any concerns at all about letting my mum and her partner have one of my kids (when they were little) in with them, and I don’t think my sister would either.

nobird · 19/11/2022 03:47

However if OP is against co-sleeping then probably best not leave the baby with someone that is going to do it.

Peteryougit · 19/11/2022 07:08

We have co slept with all our three from birth until 4/5, never had a cot in the house.

Would I trust anyone other than me or dh to co sleep with them? Nope.

I would love it if my children co slept with their babies one day as it’s just the norm for me (I co slept with my parents), but I would never co sleep with a grandchild.

Ozgirl75 · 19/11/2022 07:37

When our children have stayed with my in laws, when they were about 3 I think, my youngest would get up in the night and go in with granny and grandad and my FIL would head into the spare room as he couldn’t sleep. But when my MIL told me she shyly said “it just reminded me of when (DH) used to come in as a child” and she looked so happy and sweet about it and I thought, that’ll be me one day, I love Co sleeping with my children and the thought of a grandchild coming in one day is actually lovely to think of (if my future DIL didn’t mind!).

Victoriaplum81 · 19/11/2022 07:44

No way would I allow this. In fact it wouldn’t infuriate me! I’d stop them having her or have a very serious conversation about the risks and reasons why you don’t want to allow this.

Chomolungma · 19/11/2022 07:51

At 1yo the SIDS risk is very low. But if you're not happy with this, don't let her stay with them overnight.

girlmom21 · 19/11/2022 07:52

Chomolungma · 19/11/2022 07:51

At 1yo the SIDS risk is very low. But if you're not happy with this, don't let her stay with them overnight.

What about the risk of being suffocated or crushed?

Chomolungma · 19/11/2022 07:55

Also very very low.

girlmom21 · 19/11/2022 07:56

Chomolungma · 19/11/2022 07:55

Also very very low.

When they're sleeping under a huge duvet between two adults not used to co-sleeping? No.