To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

[CanStopWillStop]

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

i wouldn’t trust them so would stop over night stays until dd is older

This is the problem, there's no way of knowing where the duvet and pillows are as the OP isn't there.

I don’t think a child should be sleeping with an unrelated adult, unless they were a long term and married partner. Even then…..

Don't let her stay again. You now know you can't trust them to follow your wishes, which were for DD's safety.

Is there even a risk of SIDS at this age when the child is able to roll by themselves?

I wouldn't be sending DD for overnight visits there.

Get other babysitting arrangements in place. Failing that, you and DH just can't go out both at the same time.

They can't roll very far when they're stuck between two adults under a heavy duvet, although it wouldn't be SIDS.

Stop sending her there. It's not worth it.

YANBU but they have proved they cannot be trusted and so I would stop any unsupervised visits.

They are going to continue cosleeping (and doing anything else they want to regardless of what you want) so the only way is to stop them altogether.

This is dangerous in my opinion, so stop her staying over there.

So my DC have only ever co-slept on the very, very rare occasions they have slept with grandparents just because it’s the only way they are happy to be there..
But if you’re not happy with it just hold off on visits until your DC is older and they are able to get her to sleep in the cot or a bed? Presumably you don’t want your daughter crying in a travel cot in a new house and if they can’t get her to settle that way.. the only option is no overnights?

You're the parent you say what goes. If you don't feel comfortable or like it is safe then stop using them as childcare.

I agree with most of your post, but perhaps not the pillows part. If the baby was in between the pillows, and then they got shifted over bit by bit, the baby's head could quite easily become wedged between them or underneath them.

It's not really classed as SIDS after one, but it is still possible for a baby/toddler to die of suffocation. SIDS just usually means the cause of death is unidentified. It could be argued that deaths caused by co-sleeping at any age, aren't really SIDS, if identified as suffocation etc. I am very pro co-sleeping, but only when done with all the safety guidelines followed.

Nope, would not be happy with in-laws sleeping with my babies. That's for you and your husband only. I'd met my mum too, but that's because she'd listen to me about how it should be done. Whereas your in-laws have gone against your wishes.
You feel off about it and that's all that matters... doesn't matter wether that's rational or not (it is tho). When it comes to your kids, you have to follow your instincts.

Well I would be stopping the 'special events' that mean your 1 year old is so frequently sleeping in other peoples care tbh.

You should absolutely tell them you don't want them doing this but do you think they'll listen?

YANBU to be upset about her going against your wishes.
However your little one is a toddler, not a baby. She can have duvets and pillows. SIDS is for babies / under 1s. The I is for Infant which your child is not. She's past that age its a worry so don't stress yourself out too much.
I would be upset she went against your wishes which is what I'd focus on

I wouldn't be happy with this at all and wouldn't leave her alone there again

I think you need to consider if the "special events" are worth the risk to your daughter.

I wouldn't let my DC sleep over with anyone I couldn't trust.

I genuinely don’t think it’s appropriate for gp’s to co sleep with baby dgc. I can’t even explain why, it just gives me the ick. I

Same here

Being allowed their own pillow and duvet after one, is not in the same category as co-sleeping with adults with their own pillows and duvet on the bed. As I mentioned in my pp, a baby can become trapped between or under adult pillows on either side of them.

Completely understand and I would be cross that they'd gone against your wishes.

Both my children stayed at their grandparents regularly from being babies and co-slept safely. Horses for courses.

It's not really about co-sleeping it's about them ignoring you IMO.

Data or hearsay?

co-sleeping in desperation is one thing, but in your situation I’d be really pissed off that they went against your specific request and didn’t follow safe co-sleeping guidelines (baby on the edge, no pillows and duvets etc).

Some weird attitudes here