To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

[CanStopWillStop]

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

Fair enough - we all make our own risk assessments.

They have gone against your wishes and it seems the man isn’t related to you baby. I would be unhappy with that.

I tried very hard not to co-sleep (only when DCs were very unsettled or I’ll) but as soon and they could walk, at least one came to my bed almost every night. When staying at MIL, they came to her bed. I can relate - I still remember going to my parents bed as I had terrible nightmares as a child.

Several posters going "apeshit" in this thread. Why do Mumsnetters massively overreact to everything? - it ruins threads IMO

I agree! I doubt over half would react like this without their keyboard. A simple don't use them for childcare is sufficient. Child is home and safe and parent can now make any future choices not to have in laws babysit over night.

I am a grandparent who has our 1 year old granddaughter overnight at times. She starts off in her travel cot but she just doesn't like it. Despite my best attempts to get her to stay in the travelcot she invariably ends up
In with us. I mostly prop myself up and have her in my arms but as her nanny she only has to make the slightest noise/movement and I'm awake anyway. I don't really sleep when she is with us as I'm constantly checking on her/aware of her.
It can be really hard as a grandparent and we do have to respect the parents wishes, of course. If my daughter told me we couldn't have our granddaughter in bed with us I would ultimately follow her wishes, however, if having her in bed with us when we had tried everything else and we were all tired and it was the only way any of us were going to get any sleep then I would likely do it.
You need to ask yourself what are the real
Reasons behind it?

I mostly prop myself up and have her in my arms

@crazycatladyof6 That’s very dangerous and you should not be doing that.

If you are going to cosleep with your granddaughter you need to follow the Safe Sleep 7. You absolutely should not be holding her propped up.

At 1 there shouldn’t be SIDs risk & cosleeping is often safer in a different house for this age group than a cot because they will climb out and get into trouble otherwise if adults don’t realise they woke up. My aunt lost one of her twins at 13 mths because they climbed out of of their cot when everyone was sleeping, opened a window and fell out.

Cosleeping isn’t weird either. In most countries it is considered normal for grandparents to cosleep with their gc as it’s considered much, much safer.

Also, travel cots are incredibly difficult for someone who isn’t strong and 6ft plus to use without waking a child. They are too low, have no padding. My DS would never sleep in his.

This.

Our granddaughter is not my biological granddaughter but I couldn't love her more if I tried. She is totally my granddaughter and I am her baby. We have a really special bond. My husband is her biological grandfather. We have been together since his children were 4 so our family is completely bonded.
Our 1 yo granddaughter hates her travel cot when she stays at ours and she starts off in there but invariably ends up
In with us as it's the only way any of us get any sleep

She is completely safe. No different than giving her a cuddle on the sofa.
Maybe saying prop doesn't give the right visual but she is absolutely safe

Defo no to sleep overs.

No, she isn’t safe at all however much you think she is. Please follow Safe Sleep 7.

www.llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/

@crazycatladyof6 how can you say that a child who you haven't met, who is staying with adults you don't know is 'completely safe'. Isn't the child's parent the best person on this thread to judge that?

This thread isn't so much about co-sleeping but about someone feeling confident that the people looking after their child are doing what the parent wants. Doesn't matter if you agree with those rules or not but the parents need to make the choice whether it's a deal breaker or not.

I'd personally not bother babysitting. Problem solved! I'd do babysitting on my terms. Don't like co sleeping and expect me to spend the night doing night training in a whole different environment?? Feel free to ask someone else.

Bed sharing is safe if carried out correctly and usually with a breastfeeding Mum
There are too many variables here with grandparents anc therefore too many risks. They can’t follow your wishes so I wouldn’t allow DD sleepovers there again

Agree with all PPs saying no more overnights. It’s not worth the risk and MIL will clearly just lie to you and keep doing it.

Would she actually listen and put dd in her cot? Or just say she did?

This.

At 1 there is no risk of suffocation etc, so the only issue is that you've asked them not to, and they have done it anyway. However, they are babysitting for you, and perhaps your DD wasn't settling well in the travel cot, so it was the only way for everyone to get some sleep? My real question is why are you so against your baby cosleeping? It's not dangerous, especially as she's not a tiny baby, and it's extremely good for their emotional development and promotes strong secure attachment. Maybe you need to relax a little, and take a leaf out of your MILs parenting book?

Me too

They're safe in a cot?

You know SIDS used to be called Cot Death, because babies died sleeping in cots.

Cosleeping is completely safe as long as you follow a few simple guidelines. It's natural and normal for any baby to sleep with any care giver, be they a grandparent, an Aunty, or a friend, I honestly worry about how detached and weird the west is about providing comfort and security to children

Well my fil is not blood related. I'd prefer him to my dhs actual dad. Think you may be assuming here.

Them looking after your child is so much more worry and stress than you can imagine. They’ll see the Co sleeping as comfort for them and your child. It’s hard I’ve been there but they won’t change ejat makes them comfortable. Your child isn’t a baby now so all you can do is express your feelings again if they’re not listened to and you still can’t understand their reasons then you have to accept no childcare from them⛳️

Omg I’m so sorry for your loss 😢🤍

I co slept with youngest DD purely because (newly) single mum, working full time, older child to also care for and was just the easiest option because I was exhausted . I wouldn’t have been happy for her to share a bed with anyone else, especially not with a man who want her dad. You’ve asked them not to do this and they dismissed it. It’s possible they they’re exhausted but either way I tho k you need to stop the overnight stays till she’s a bit older.

100% would go nuts if my baby slept with grandma’s boyfriend, like wtf? Put her in the cot! If you can’t be bothered, just say no and they can get a sitter 🤷🏻‍♀️