To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

[CanStopWillStop]

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

Cognitive dissonance out in force here - cosleeping is the most natural thing in the world and perfectly safe, do it from birth until your kids grow out of it... Unless you're a grandparent, in which case it's super dangerous and creepy. Make up your mind, Mumsnet.

It's not clear whether you've actually told them not to co-sleep. If I was babysitting a toddler overnight and they woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, 100% I'd pop them in bed with me. Easiest way to get everyone more rest, surely? You're not seriously expecting your (presumably older) in-laws to spend hours pacing the floor with your toddler in the middle of the night?

Don’t let her sleep there again. Get a babysitter.

Er yeah who is her 'partner' in all of this? The actual grandfather or some random?

If it's the latter that is seriously out of order. To be honest I'd be pissed of either way.

Hmm, that's weird. A baby/toddler of 1 is at much less risk of SIDS than a younger baby, but I wouldn't be happy with this.

Safe co-sleeping is for a breastfeeding mother who is attuned to her baby and who won't roll over in the night and squash them, not grandparents 🙄.

And if they're not listening to you about this, what else are they not listening about?

I don't have an issue with this but my daughter has pretty much slept in the middle of our bed since she was a baby. I didn't like it when she was younger as I was scared but once she was older than 1 I didn't mind it as much.

Its simply a case of you either lose them as a babysitter or tell them not to (you can't know for sure they will anyway).

I think if it was me and my one year old had been unsettled and my in laws had put her into bed with them so they could all get some sleep I would understand that and be ok about it.

I think you should stick to your routine of using the travel cot or whatever but accept that if the baby is fussing in the night then the grandparents will tackle the problem however they see fit and settle the baby with them if need be. If they’re happy and the baby is happy then great.

I really wouldn’t get upset about it.

And MIL's partner is not your h's father or your dc's grandad? I'd not be happy with an unrelated man sleeping with my dc. At all.

Stop the overnights immediately. I wouldn’t feel right about that.

Yikes. I hadn’t picked up on ‘partner’. Fuck, no. No way. No how.

Mumsnet is bonkers, that is all

This

Sounds like she won’t take any notice so realistically I think you might need to stop the overnight visits. But no I absolutely would not be happy with this, it’s unsafe and inappropriate.

Once my DGS was too big for a travel cot he shared a double bed with me when he stayed over and he preferred that to sleeping alone, but I would not have put him in a double bed with me and my partner because my partner, lovely though he is, is not the child's natural grandfather. It wouldn't be fair on either of them. My biggest problem was my DGS always ended up sleeping sideways and I would end up clinging onto the edge of the bed!

What I wanted to say was that you don't say how old the GPs are. One year olds can be quite heavy to lift when asleep and then lean over a cot. Doing that used to get me right in the lower back and I was only in my late 50s then. Try asking them how they are finding the childcare physically, picking up the child to put in the bath, highchair etc and remember children only get heavier.

Co-sleeping actually reduces SIDS, the problem is accidents (also known as SUDI). It must be done safely. Never in the middle. My son is two and we share a duvet but I am always lower then him so the duvet could never go over his head and he never uses the pillow. It’s a floor bed, I don’t touch alcohol or smoke etc.

Cosleeping has to be safe. Little one in the middle of two adults isn’t safe, even at one. You need to stop the sleepovers until you are comfortable with the situation.

I've coslept with my 2 year old since birth and I don't think yabu. At 1 year old, it's still important to follow the safe 7 which they're likely not doing. More importantly, they have gone against your wishes. So even if they were doing it safely, they shouldn't be doing it if it's not what you want. I wouldn't leave her with them overnight for the time being.

I agree with you on everything you’ve said and my parents and mother in law will all bedsharw with my son one day, as they have done with their other grandparents, but for me this situation doesn’t sound safe enough. As I said in my other post, SUDI is the risk here not SIDS. Not in the middle, even at one. I’m guessing they’re putting the child in the middle because they don’t have a floor bed/mattress on the floor, but they’d be better off doing this and only one sleeping with the child, that I would be fully supportive of.

Sids risk is pretty much non existent after age 1 I thought? However I would not let my child sleep in bed with any man other than her own father. And if your child isn't used to co sleeping with you then there's no need to do so with Grandma either. Clearly she just wants to snuggle with your child. I would stop the overnights until much older.

Totally agree that there is zero chance that an unrelated adult man would be sleeping with my baby girl, especially when I had specifically asked them not to. I am a safeguarding lead in a school and have sat through many many child protection meetings and this really rings alarm bells for me.

I think you've been clear with them on this so you are then trusting them to follow your instructions and look after your child according to your boundaries. I'd just go back to her and say the conversation worried you and you don't want dd in bed with them because of the risks associated. It's then up to you if you still trust them to respect that going forward or if you think they'd do their own thing. If it's the latter then they don't get overnights until she's of an age you're comfortable with.

YANBU I would go ape shit and ban overnights

I’d stop the overnights. They’re purposely ignoring your wishes. If they ask why, tell them you’ve realised your child is unsettled away from you (they said so, right?) and so won’t be staying overnight until they’re older.

What @AutumnVibes said.

An unrelated man in bed with your little girl.
When you’ve said no to co-sleeping.
Hell no.

Dh and I bedshared with both ours til 4 ish (nearly 5 year old ds still sleeps with us part of the night if he wants to).

But no I absolutely would not be happy with them sleeping with other adults under any circumstances. There are the obvious risks to a child of sleeping with adults who aren’t used to co-sleeping so may be less aware. But also it’s just weird to do with someone else’s child.

It sounds like it’s not a good fit. Just say no more overnights for a few more years until dc is older.

This..big time!

For me co-sleeeping isn’t a problem with parents - but grandparents - wtf??!! Nope seriously not ok! It’s a tricky situation though and I do agree with another comment on here that they would just lie about it - good luck with this