To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

[CanStopWillStop]

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

It's wrong that they're ignoring your wishes. I'd not be okay with that, and would put a stop to sleepovers.

For me the weirdness is the suspicion that they're treating her as a dolly to meet their snuggle needs, not as a person whose individual sleep space and sleep routine should be respected. Ick ick ick.

If it bothers you that much why send

If it bothers you that much why send her, it's not like you can fully relax worrying about her.. send her over through the day and forget the nights until she is a bit older? Or maybe tell your MIL you have anxiety and it's nothing to do with them it's just you worry about SIDS maybe telling her will help her to understand.
When my daughter has been over at grandparents she's never slept alone 1 grandparent has slept with her as she wouldnt settle. Its not her home and a different environment so maybe she feels like that at your inlaws and your inlaws might be struggle to get her settled and we all know when you're not used to interrupted sleep it can make it harder to adapt to.

My thoughts too if correct and it's MIL partner I would stop overnight stays because that's the issue for me personally.

We co-slept with our son (he was ebf) and I believe people should do what is right for them / makes them comfortable .. but that is almost completely irrelevant in this situation. What is super relevant is that your MIL didn’t follow your explicit instructions.. today it’s co-sleeping, tomorrow it’ll be chocolate for breakfast or boozey desserts for dinner… or anything else. Yes, she’s a mother and may have raised / looked after other kids for decades, but what it comes down to is Trust - my child, my rules. Thank you for babysitting and doing me a favour, but you’re also getting the privilege of spending quality time with your grandchild, and if you don’t respect me enough to respect what’s important to me then thanks but no thanks. That’s why my MIL has not had my son over overnight since he was 9 months old.

When I read your post my first thought was understanding the reason your MIL did this.

Everyone is very fast to jump in and say don’t send her overnight again, she went against your wishes, doesn’t reflect you, even as far as - she will lie to you! Blah blah blah.

From what you said however, your MIL made the decision because she didn’t feel your baby could be settled in the cot. Now we don’t know how hard she tried to get her settled in the cot first and whether she had tried for a long while until finally resorting to doing what she thought made your child feel more secure at that time. Or whether she just did it within 5 minutes.

I think you need to gently sit down with your MIL and try to understand her perspective first. Then explain why it’s important for you to stick with cot. I don’t see the SIDS risk as big at all but what is the problem is the change of routine. If you have managed to get your child to sleep in a cot then it’s much better for consistency to continue that way. However the odd change at Grandmas probably isn’t going to matter in the grand scheme of things.

Remember also, and for all those who get on their high horses about grandparents’not respecting their wishes’ - grandparents love your children often very deeply. Including mother in laws!!

No one else other than you will love your children like this. Grandparents come closest. Many children find their grandparents a huge source of comfort especially in the later years when parental clashes can become more prevalent. I used to find my own mum very annoying in the same way. But I learnt over the years to just chill the hell out and accept that unless grandparents are doing something abusive or dangerous then this really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

What are you on about? The poster you have quoted is talking about her OWN situation with her OWN grandchild. Not the OP's. Good lord.

I wouldn’t be letting a 1yr old sleep over with grandparents anyway. In your shoes, I’d be reconsidering the sleep overs.

Of course it's not weird. It's a grandchild! And a toddler. It's ok!

I always slept with my grandma when she was over so I don’t see an issue sleeping with her. I don’t like the idea of your daughter sleeping with both of them…. I just don’t like it. She didn’t hide it from you, she told you about it so I don’t think she meant to just do whatever she wanted. I think I would say that it is ok to sleep with her but not with both, safer that way definitely

I think a one year old is not ar high risk of sudden death. I would try to get along but keep discussing it.

My mum sleeps with my children in her bed and my children love having their time with their nan and grandad. This is my choice though and I’m always grateful for the peace and quiet when it’s sleepover time. Yes the kids routines are thrown out of sync but that has happened even if co sleeping or not. Child has been staying with a family member who isn’t their mum and dad, in a house that isn’t theirs. Of course they are going to be unsettled.

Some of the comments I’ve read on this site and Facebook talking about potential sexual abuse is astounding. It’s great to see so many people alert to sexual abuse but if you think a child sleeping in their grandparents bed is disgusting then give your head a bit of a wobble. That sadly isn’t how it works and predators will get to your children no matter what if they want to. Not all older men and women are sexual predators.

sids risk is low at this age group but can understand if op considers this a risk she should speak to her mil.

what does your partner think about it? Would you feel this way if your mum done this with your child if they was unsettled or would your mum let baby cry?

What I was basically trying to say is if that is how OP is feeling those thoughts and feelings are valid. However if she is uncomfortable because it’s her mother in law and not her mother then that’s unreasonable.

God I think this thread is so sad and we have become so fretful over everything.
I completely understand if Op doesn’t want co-sleeping because she feels that’s it’s dangerous, but those of you saying it’s inappropriate for a grandchild to sleep with their grandparents are awful.

As I type my 11 year old dc is downstairs on the sofa, under the covers with my my mum watching a movie as he’s a bit under the weather and doesn’t want me but his nanny, who is more than happy to pander to his every need.
I was the same with my grandparents and often slept in the same bed as them, right up until they died when I was 18 & 28. I still now crave a cuddle from my Nan and miss that when I was having a bad day would go and lay down with her and she would just put her hand on my head.

My grandparents were my other parents, grandad was at every sports day, parents evening, hospital appointment. He was the one who we shared our secrets with and it broke all of our hearts the day we lost them.

Please don’t stop seeing your dc.

What about being smothered by one or two people , or the pillows, or the duvet?

@MithrilCostsMore , that's how we reason. SID rarely happens at over a year, and an older child can easily move themselves. Also, we ourselves are not exactly burried under blankets and duvets either. Our GS was fine in his cot (adjoining room, door to our room left open), but once he outgrew the cot and was in a bed (we have one you can make shorter/longer from Ikea) he had trouble settling down. We let him sleep with us, with his own pillow (very flat and safe). Our bed is 2 m.X 2m., so it isn't even crowded. His parents knew and approved, although at home he never asks to co-sleep. Recently he thought himself too big a boy to co-sleep and asked for his bed to be moved in our room, and we did. Works fine 😊

Bed sharing can be a risk for SIDS (death under 1 year) but isn't a risk factor over that age.

I'm not saying it's ok that your MIL is doing things you don't want her to do. Just that it really isn't that risky a thing to do, and it's really common. It's worth taking a deep breath and trying to ease through it rather than blow up.

@OleLadiesDrawers and @amyds2104 thank goodness for some common sense.
For others saying ‘no overnight or it’s dangerous’ without any other understanding of this situation…
It really IS sad that there is an automatic assumption that a one year old is at risk of having a sleepover at Grandparents. I mean consider .. didn’t they successfully bring YOU or your partner up without sexually abusing, suffocating or generally screwing you up? Appreciate of course they may have made mistakes, ( heavens above parents make mistakes!) but unless you have some clear evidence or suspicions for those types of statements I think adding to the already self confessed paranoia of the OP is not helpful.

OP - how exactly have you ended up feeling this way ? Apart from of course from reading posts from other highly paranoid new parents? I mean you mention paranoid about SIDS? Where did this come from exactly ? What triggered it?

That’s going to impact alot of how you see this situation potentially and it’s good you recognise it. I know I was terrified bringing my fragile premature baby home from SCBU as I couldn’t transition so fast from highly medicalised care one minute to suddenly no monitoring. I needed some knowledge and logic and funnily enough my very experienced Mum of 3 kids to actually show me that he was just a baby after all.

So I know it’s normal at times to feel this mum anxiety even if you don’t have a prem baby ( I know you have a healthy 1 year old) But it’s a good thing to explore it to see if it’s really based on fact. What you really need here is to develop a relationship of trust with your MIL. It doesn’t sound like you have that right now and what’s just happened has shaken that even more right?

Give her a chance to explain her rationale. Then tell her why your approach works for your baby. If she is kind and willing to work with you on it then great. If she is horrible dismissive and scathing then of course just tell her it’s better to wait until your child is a bit older and consistently sleeps through the night. Please do try to maintain a good relationship- in the end the children will decide for themselves anyway how close they are to Grandparents. They are very good judges of character! But give them the chance to do that.

There are things one certainly can insist on. Smacking/no smacking, vegetarian/meat or other food decisions, respecting (not believing necessarily but respecting) religious beliefs and co sleeping. If grandparents believe they can do what they want in these areas then they don't get to spend time with gc

At 1 i wouldn’t be overly worried but I’d ask them to follow safe sleeping guidance for beds (I co-slept for years when mine were babies, grown up now). Least then she knows the rules, but ask her not to of course

Your MIL has made it clear that they don’t want the inconvenience of having to get up to resettle a 1 year old, who doesn’t sleep through. It’s up to you to stop sending your DD over there, if you feel so strongly about it.

As @alexdgr8 said, it’s up to OP to stop her child sleeping over.

The OP hasn’t said whether the MIL’s partner is her husband’s father or not. Not all grandparents are blessed with the wisdom of experience. I refer here to my own, Autistic mother, who my children (and I!) love dearly but who doesn’t always deal with situations appropriately and who I spent comforting and reassuring for most of my own childhood because she simply couldn’t cope with life very well.
The issue here is that that OP made a specific request which was seemingly ignored. And this isn’t her own mother. Of course there’s going to be some doubt.

Its not unreasonable. MIL is not really OP family as such, it's by marriage unlike OPS actually mother if OP got divorced OP likely won't see her MIL but she will see her own mother.

You can't compare your MIL to your actually mother. I know some may be really close but this is not a given. I would not of been leaving my baby overnight at 1 years old with my MIL in the first place. However my own mother had DS overnight at around 3 months because she's my mother.

I’d be furious. That’s so dangerous!
If it were my DD I’d be having strong words with my MIL and possibly not having my DD stay there until she was older.

Your child, your rules.
I really don’t understand how people fail to grasp this very. simple. concept.