To ask MIL & FIL to stop co-sleeping with DD

[CanStopWillStop]

My 1-year-old DD very occasionally stays at my MIL when we have a special evening event. When she first started a few months ago, I was explicit about her bedtime routine, including putting her in the travel cot to sleep, as I am quite paranoid about suffocation/SIDs. I could tell MIL wanted her in the bed with them but she said she'd put DD in her cot because that's how she sleeps at my mothers and our house.

I dropped her yesterday and she mentioned the last time DD slept over she was struggling to go back to sleep so MIL put DD in between her and her partner.
Obviously this is an adult bed with pillows, duvet etc. DD never sleeps in our bed, and even when she wakes up, she goes back down in her own bed.

I appreciate she is doing us a favour, so I didn't say anything at the time, but it's really bothering me, and I can't put my finger on why. I have a weird feeling that she didn't even attempt to put her back in the cot tbh. AIBU to ask her to stop doing it?

The issue is them not listening. I spent most of my childhood between both sets of grandparents and always got into their bed if I couldn't sleep or an early morning cup of tea. I loved it. But I was older than that. Co sleeping isn't the issue. Its the not doing as asked as it ruins bed time at home at that age! But if she's not settling then maybe leave the sleepovers until she's a bit older?

@Neanov so I don’t think you read it understood my post. I made a substantial allowance for any potential for a exceptional circumstances - I’m not going to list them all out- this is why I said it’s about a relationship of trust with the MIL

We also don’t know all of the facts and my point is that people are leaping to conclusions in the absence of these. We don’t actually know the request was ‘ignored’ perhaps it just couldn’t be complied with because the GC didn’t stop crying. We don’t know whether MIL just put the child in her bed out of desperation to help the GC feel secure and provide comfort- we don’t know how long they were crying for. Perhaps the default when she didn’t know what else to do so she did what most Europeans would do which is to comfort the child in her bed. That doesn’t make her incompetent or evil.It’s just her instincts. Hence why I said to sit down with MIL and understand. It’s alarming how mothers can put their trust in someone to look after their child for the night but not empower that person to make the right decision at the time for them when needed.

I think YABU in that you can't have it both ways.

I do expect my M and MIL to respect our parenting principles but I wouldn't expect them to deal with my child overnight until (s)he was old/settled enough not to give my folks a sleepless night.

Also, incidentally, SIDs is massively reduced from 1yo.

That said, I don't co-sleep and I wouldn't want anyone else to co-sleep with my very young child, so I wouldn't be sending them for sleepovers aged 1.

Of course she can ask MIL not to co-sleep with dd.

What do you mean she can’t have it both ways? That OP has to allow MIL to do whatever she wants?

Co sleeping with MIL and her partner is an absolute no-no. I’d be livid. If you ask her to stop she’ll just ignore you and carry on., because She Knows Best.

The only solution here is to stop the overnight visits at MIL’s house until dd is much, much older. If I were you it would be never again.

At a year old if its only for the odd evening event I think a babysitter with references would be the best option.

Maybe it was convoluted reasoning but my point is that it's unreasonable to expect the GPs to stay up all night trying to settle the 1yo and therefore the 1yo is probably too young to be sent away for sleepovers.

There is a risk of overlaying, yes. Until the child is big enough to shove a grandparent off them independently.

metro.co.uk/2021/05/27/baby-died-sleeping-between-parents-who-woke-up-to-find-him-blue-14655412/amp/

Overlaying death in a 13 month old

Poor baby. One of the parents was also far above the car drinking limit, which may have made them less alert.

Me too. I would be ok with just a grandmother, but not two adults

Same here but hard to explain why.

I slept in the same room as my DGM whenever we slept at hers as a family. She gave the big bed to my parents and she and I slept in single beds in another room.

Waking up in early and climbing in with her to read whatever latest book she’d bought for us to read together is such a fond childhood memory.

Like many PPs I don’t have an issue with co sleeping. We did it with ours, it wasn’t a decision as such, started due to DC1 - the only way we’d have all slept, but I did see many benefits.

The issue for me, as others, is the secretiveness and the DGM’s partner in the bed.

There is no doubt that an unrelated adult man should not be sleeping in the same bed as your child against your wishes and without full transparency.

No one else should be co sleeping with your baby other than you or your partner. That isn't their child to do that with. If they cannot take simple instruction to look after baby and respect the parents wishes, I wouldn't be trusting them with my child if they're unable to do it properly. It's a safety concern for sure.

I've shared a bed with the grandchildren at their house,my house and on holidays, I suppose from the age of 2,with full approval ( pretty much at the suggestion) of their parents. Usually when there was a shortage of beds! Nothing weird about it, though I never get a wink of sleep. It definitely wouldn't happen if my partner was staying over,that wouldn't be appropriate and situation just wouldn't arise.

I'm sensing a lot of hostility to grandparents trying to do their best! My children almost never stayed with their grandparents,it would have been nice if they had been able to. I don't think sleeping with them would have been an option,though that would have been fine, if they were careful, but they were a bit strict and I was tolerant of their different ways.
Please realise often they are doing you a favour, may be getting on a bit,don't sleep well or have some health issues, if what they can't provide isn't up to your standards, get a young babysitter.

You don't ask MIL, you tell her-and never leave your child with them again.

I think you need to tell her that you're not happy with co-sleeping rather than never ask her to have your daughter overnight. You didn't say anything when she told you, so you do need to discuss it with her.

Personally I don't think it's a problem, but up to you how you want your child to sleep.