How would you cope knowing this about your grandmother?

[elephantonacid]

Grandmother lives in a different city and I haven't seen her for a couple of years. Always had a lot of love for her and she's always been wonderful to me. As I've gotten older though and as the adults in my family have started talking to me more about things a child would be sheltered from, I've come to learn that the reason my father and aunt are so messed up psychologically is because my grandmother abused them horrifically.

They were terrified of her. She would beat them with wood and belt buckles. If they spoke out of tone they would be put in a cold bath. Locked in cupboards, kicked, starved etc. Obviously as a child I did not know this, but I always knew my dad struggled with his mental health and was quite closed off emotionally (not all the time, he's NEVER been abusive, he's a wonderful father).

I really struggle now having learnt that she abused someone I love so much to the extent that he still struggles a lot as an adult, and my aunt who I also adore is very psychologically damaged.

Suddenly feel a but numb to who was once my lovely grandma who could do no wrong.

I really don't know, having not been in that situation, but I think it would be devastating to learn such a thing. I'm not sure how our relationship would proceed.

My dad has forgiven her. And I know relationships between abusers and their victims can be really complex, especially when they are family and you love them. He obviously wanted me and my siblings to have a relationship with our grandmother. I feel very confused.

I'm sorry that this happened, it must be very upsetting. Could you maybe ask your grandmother about this? I would probably need some sort of closure.

My dad would absolutely hate this. I think he'd feel like it was an invasion on his childhood. I've never spoken to my dad about it, though he has at times stated that he didn't have a good childhood. He's sheltered me from it completely. I feel so sad when I look at pictures of him as a child now that I have in my house, and look at them completely differently. He looks so sad when before I just thought he looked like a slightly bewildered child having his photo taken. My poor dad.

I think it's amazing that your Dad has managed to forgive her and allow you a relationship with her. It's also fantastic that he has managed to break the cycle of violence and be a good parent. Please appreciate how hard that is to do, when your experience of being parented is so negative.

I would find it impossible not to draw back from a person who had done this. I would not be able to take their advice or allow them to make judgments about my life decisions without having this in my head.

Can you talk to your Dad about it? Has she apologised to him or explained what was going on in her life to make her act in this way (not that I can see any reason to ever treat children like this).

I think you should have all the time in the world for you Dad and do anything you can to support him.

I wouldn't be able to continue having a relationship with her.

That must be heartwrenching, I'm sorry.

It is absolutely understandable if you feel the need to distance yourself from your your grandma while processing this info.

Also keep in mind people can be very complex, they are never entirely good or entirely evil. The relationship you had with her and the side of her she chose to show you may be entirely distinct to her toxic relationship with her own kids. So don't guilt yourself over feeling conflicted. It's understandable that you're finding it hard to reconcile these two images.

Take time and do whatever feels right to you

He's an amazing, amazing man. I can't even explain to you how amazing he is. He is in his early 60s and works as a medic in war zones and natural disaster sites. He raises a lot of money for charities every year and has all the time in the world for my child. He's just wonderful which is why it's so confusing. If my dad was a horrible person I would probably just think 'oh well now I know why'

I remember being told that we either repeat our parent's mistakes or completely go the other way - it seems you Dad has used his terrible experiences to make sure other people do not feel this way. He sounds terrific.

Your dad is an amazing person that he allowed you to hold on tothat view of her as a wonderful person. I dontthink I would have been able to do that.

Your poor dad. And Aunt. And what a horrible shock for you to have found this out now.
I’m afraid I would not be able to continue having a relationship with this person. It’s amazing that your dad has been able to forgive, but I personally would not want contact with someone who has hurt people I love.

He is. I don't want this to turn into a thread about how amazing he is but I cannot sing his praises enough. When I had covid I was really worried about getting my son from nursery as didn't want to pass it on. He picked my son up at lunch time without telling me (nursery know he can pick up whenever he wants as he is my son's father figure, dad not on the scene) and phoned his friend who is a fireman to take him on the fire engines. Sent me a photo of them together sat in the front of a fire engine just saying 'rest up, I'll drop him back at nursery in the morning'. I feel so proud of him knowing now what he went through as a kid.

For me, now, knowing what I do, the issue would be if she had denied it, blamed it on him, or taken responsibility and apologised. If she's actually implicitly gaslighting him still, I'd keep a distance.

It is undoubtedly complex and likely that she had an abusive upbringing too - not definitely, but likely.

My father went to boarding school and was horrifically abused there. He used to see two relatives of my grandmother (his mother) frequently and they abused him too. I can't believe his mother had no idea about all the beatings, but she later must have and certainly didn't distance herself from the perpetrators. I grew up with a good relationship with her. By the time I fully understood what happened (I'd been told the details when I was too young to be able to process them) she was dead.

I do think though that the central person here should be the victim - your dad. If he wants everybody to play happy families, I'd be inclined to go along with it, because I'd not want to cause him further upset. I'd not be seeking out extra time with her though, unless she had demonstrated genuine remorse to him.

Hi op

wothout going into all the grim details I know what you’re going through.

i am no contact with both my grandparents due to their treatment of my mum.
She has a relationship with one of them and is no contact with the other.
They are both beyond forgiveness in my eyes but she needs to believe in the one she maintains a relationship with.

Don’t stick your oar in, it’s you dad it will upset most.

But it’s ok to distance yourself and your family too.

Im not excusing your grandmother but before writing her off completely consider the context she was raising her children in.

No birth control. Can’t say no to your husband. Can’t divorce.
The wider societal attitude was that corporal punishment kept rowdy kids in line and those who didn’t do it were spoiling their kids.
She will have married young by todays standards and had little time to process her own childhood or to see examples of the more gentle parenting we have come to expect.
None of that makes your dads
experiences any less awful for him of course any more than the abuse my granny suffered excuses her treatment of her children but I do think it’s important to judge people by the standards of their time and not ours.

My granny’s trauma can be directly traced to the 2nd world war fallout and I suspect many of us struggling today can follow our generational trauma back to traumatised returning squaddies.

Still doesn’t mean you have to forgive.

I don’t speak to the parent my mum still does despite her wishes.

What was your grandmother's mother like? Does your father remember her, or her father (his grandparents)? What type of man was your grandfather? Did your grandmother suffer from PND or other mental health issues? It never as simple as it appears...

She abused them from young children into their teens. I know her partner was abusive towards her, but he didn't abuse the children directly, and they never witnessed this. I never met him as he died a long time ago, so know very little about him. So of course I feel bad she went through that, it's awful when anyone is abused. Equally, my son's dad was horrifically abusive towards me and I did not abuse my son as a result. I'm not sure if mental health was a factor. It could have been.

All of this. I'm not sure I could be close to someone who behaves in such a way.

Honestly, I don’t think I could have a relationship with her at all once I knew what she had done.

I don’t blame your dad as he was clearly a victim, but I do think his decision to let her be in your life was the wrong one.

To be fair to him, I don't think there is was any right or wrong considering what he'd been through.

Of my 4 Grandparents growing up there was only 1 I liked, the others were pretty awful.
Unfortunately I found out that he wasn’t my Mums real Dad and had treated her very very cruelly. I never really felt the same way about him BUT when I got older and found out the full story I did feel a bit of sympathy for him as well as it was quite tragic and complicated. It didn’t justify how awful he was to my Mum but he was the only Grandparent who was nice to me despite the back story.
There is no excuse for what your Grandma did OP but there may well be reasons

My grandmother abused my mother and I have very little to do with her. She's in her nineties now and frail but she's still really mean, and I cannot have that in my life. My mum died in 2010 and tbh I think she'd tell me to keep away too.

I hope you don't mind me hopping onto your thread op. This is all very relevant and eye-opening to me as I had a very abusive mother and am now NC with her, although I know she'd like a relationship with my own tiny daughters and they have started asking if they have a granny etc, which makes me feel terrible. I have decided to remain completely NC as I believe it is best for myself and my children in the longer term.

Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man. Funnily enough my brothers, also abused at the hands of my mother and stepfather, have forgiven her to an extent and maintain and arms length relationship whereas I refuse to do that.

I agree with pp that have pointed out that relationships between abused children and parents are terribly complex and I don't envy you having just found out this awful information.

I think you need to give yourself time to process and work out how you feel, as well as continuing your wonderful and mutually supportive relationship with your dad (which of course will be your priority). I don't think there are any right answers, particularly as your dad wishes to a continue a relationship with his mother / has forgiven her. I wouldn't blame you for having a more arms length relationship with your grandmother going forward , if you don't feel you can remain close.

What reason could anyone possibly have for getting their 7yo son to choose between holding his 4yo sister down whilst she's beaten with a belt buckle or refusing and both being beaten?

When I was a teenager my mum worked in a care home for the elderly and I'd occasionally go in to help out. There was a couple in there who both had dementia, they seemed very sweet and had family who often visited. My mum told me that one of the daughters had said that the man actually wasn't very nice before he got old and was quite abusive to his children. It can be really hard to equate a sweet old person to someone who was horrible and abusive. Your grandmother is probably a very different person now to when your dad was growing up. Not that it makes what she did to your dad and aunt at all forgivable.

It must be a terrible shock and hard to get your head around. I have a friend who is pretty messed up due to her abusive mother but when I meet her mother it’s so hard to match her with the abuse she handed out to my friend as a child. She’s warm and friendly (nearly 80 so very grandma-ish) but I can see from how my friend reacts to her (a dynamic very different to me and my own mum) that there is historical toxicity there. Could you may be talk to your grandmother about it or would that just open wounds for your dad/aunt?