How would you cope knowing this about your grandmother?

[elephantonacid]

Grandmother lives in a different city and I haven't seen her for a couple of years. Always had a lot of love for her and she's always been wonderful to me. As I've gotten older though and as the adults in my family have started talking to me more about things a child would be sheltered from, I've come to learn that the reason my father and aunt are so messed up psychologically is because my grandmother abused them horrifically.

They were terrified of her. She would beat them with wood and belt buckles. If they spoke out of tone they would be put in a cold bath. Locked in cupboards, kicked, starved etc. Obviously as a child I did not know this, but I always knew my dad struggled with his mental health and was quite closed off emotionally (not all the time, he's NEVER been abusive, he's a wonderful father).

I really struggle now having learnt that she abused someone I love so much to the extent that he still struggles a lot as an adult, and my aunt who I also adore is very psychologically damaged.

Suddenly feel a but numb to who was once my lovely grandma who could do no wrong.

As a child who's mum abused them, I don't recommend this. You are unlikely to get closure. You might get gaslight "I never did that" is so unimaginable painful. Its the cherry on the abuse cake.

This is such a complex issue, I recommend asking this thread to be moved to relationships.

I think there's been so much empathy and lovely replies, however, the relationship board may be able to signpost you to other resources for help and advice.

I have had a similar issue with my fil, who is a cunt of the highest order. I am nc, as are our older childer. Dh is v low contact (his choice and he has my support 100%). Our youngest won't know until he is far older. The older childknow the minimum and I leave it up to dh how much is disclosed. However, I also have to consider the safeguarding issues, which neither of us are prepared to brush over. Our children will be kept safe no matter what. Fil's feelings are not my issue, he deserves no sympathy.

I would say that - as much as your Dad appears to have forgiven her - he will likely be terrified of her.

I can only speak from experience. I allowed my three kids contact with my parents until the eldest was 14.

Then I cut contact and told my son about some of the abuse I'd experienced as a child.

He decided to go no contact along with his two siblings.

I have changed my name, moved house and blocked my Mum completely.

I am utterly terrified of her and have nightmares where she has found me and I can't escape.

I would drop the abusive Grandmother. Don't mention it to your Dad because he will likely feel guilty and scared but just block her.

Imo it is important that people reap what they sow. A sort of restorative justice for victims if you will.

The only views that really matter here are the victims, please support them

Yuck. She sounds sick and maybe towards the more malignant end of the spectrum. He sounds great don't get me wrong, but in order to protect you I would think he would not have facilitated a relationship between her and his children- I very much don't think he's a bad person for that just, perhaps, he's still under her control or in denial.
I would be prepared for MH issues to resurface.

"Imo it is important that people reap what they sow. A sort of restorative justice for victims if you will."

Me too @Minimalme . Stay strong with your family and children supporting you 💐

@elephantonacid your Dad is so brave, allowing you to have a relationship, as a child, with his unspeakable mother. I assume he felt, as many parents seem to, that children need to know their wider family. I bet that he kept a very close watch over your behaviour and mood whenever you came home from seeing her, so that he could instantly stop the contact if he suspected she was abusing you too.

I have no advice on what path you take now re your grandmother, because I don't know you at all and you may be very different from me. I would go completely NC. But that wouldn't prey on my mind; it might on yours.

Might it be a good idea to talk it through with a professional counsellor if you could afford a few sessions? (I'd say an NHS one, but I believe the waiting list is over a year, sadly.) for some comfort eating for you. (My go-to remedy!)

@Minimalme I'm so sorry for what you've been through. 💐

your Dad is so brave, allowing you to have a relationship, as a child, with his unspeakable mother

wtf @a1poshpaws

Exposing his child to someone that did quite unspeakably awful things to him? That isn’t brave. As a parent, I wouldn’t want this woman within a 10 mile radius of my child.