How would you cope knowing this about your grandmother?

[elephantonacid]

Grandmother lives in a different city and I haven't seen her for a couple of years. Always had a lot of love for her and she's always been wonderful to me. As I've gotten older though and as the adults in my family have started talking to me more about things a child would be sheltered from, I've come to learn that the reason my father and aunt are so messed up psychologically is because my grandmother abused them horrifically.

They were terrified of her. She would beat them with wood and belt buckles. If they spoke out of tone they would be put in a cold bath. Locked in cupboards, kicked, starved etc. Obviously as a child I did not know this, but I always knew my dad struggled with his mental health and was quite closed off emotionally (not all the time, he's NEVER been abusive, he's a wonderful father).

I really struggle now having learnt that she abused someone I love so much to the extent that he still struggles a lot as an adult, and my aunt who I also adore is very psychologically damaged.

Suddenly feel a but numb to who was once my lovely grandma who could do no wrong.

I bet you would t have been so quick to post of this was about Grandad...

I am so very sorry op, this must have been horrific to learn.

Personally l would cut contact and write her a letter explaining why.

Goodness, what an awful revelation op. You’re poor dad and auntie. He must be an absolutely remarkable person to forgive her. Why did he, do you think? Do any of the family know what his thinking is? I’m not questioning anything, just wondering how he managed it.

I think you should separate your relationship with your grandmother and father.

Getting involved is just going to damage your emotional and mental wellbeing.

Leave their relationship to them to sort out, that might mean your father getting counselling for himself.

If you've always had a wonderful relationship with your grandmother, I don't see why that has to change.

Please don’t think I am trying to justify what she did, it’s beyond awful.
The point I was trying to make is that people are rarely born like this, there is usually some trauma that makes them into the people they are.
Some people (like your amazing Dad) rise above it and don’t repeat the mistakes of their parents and some can’t or choose not to. It doesn’t mean you should forgive them though and in your shoes I wouldn’t, I am actually quite glad I only found out about what my Grandad after he died

From what I've been told, when people have tried to talk to him about it he just says 'she was young and lost' then shuts down the conversation. He doesn't like talking about it.

This is a difficult one for you. How have you found out?

I was abused and am pretty messed up still. You wouldn't know that my brother was messed up, but anyone who knows me might gather that there is something that just doesn't add up about me. 😜

As a parent myself, I'm torn between protecting my dc from the details and trying to explain some of my behaviour. I think some people become extremely empathetic as a result of abuse and some go on to abuse as result of addictions etc.

I consider myself empathetic. But I'm one great big mess. I often wonder where I'd be if I had a different mother, but that has proven to be an exercise in utter futility.

My grandmother & Grandfather used to beat my dad with a cane and slippers belts, whatever they laid their hands on, I think they were really weird they never hit the youngest child my dads brother, when he did something wrong it was my dad that got the beating, his sister ran away from home, my dad kept this all to himself for many years, I only found out when I was in late teens, I didn’t want anything to do with them, in fact I can honestly say I hated them after being told that

Context is important. Whether she was physically abusive because that’s how she was raised and what was expected from her at a young age - or whether she was just plain nasty - did she show love in other ways - has she apologised as she has grown older.
Perhaps your lovely dad is just very forgiving. Give him your love and support and ask him how he would like you to proceed. He sounds in control of his life so take your cue from him.

Find space for yourself to process this information. Allow yourself to see and express your feelings, conflicting and otherwise. Listen to your inner voice. Give your Dad a hug and tell him you love him. Allow a little time to pass and then decide if you want to discuss it with him. At some stage, you can decide if you want to continue your relationship with your grandmother, if you want to discuss it with her or if you want her to simply know that you are aware of her treatment of her children and that you can see the impact it had on them. You might find it useful to explore all of this with an independent third party. For now, knowing is a positive step and talking about the effects of abuse rather than staying silent is a good thing.

In my late teens, I found out that my GM knew her brother was SA her daughter (my mother) for years, and did nothing about it.

I’d never liked the woman anyway, even as a small child, she just had this air of… Wrong.

I haven’t spoken to her since, some 20 odd years ago. She doesn’t know that I know.

I would guess that forgiveness is part of your dad’s healing process. In which case I would probably support him by maintaining a distant relationship with my gran and not rocking the boat.

My dad had an inadequate mother, although not to the extent you describe and it’s helped me to understand more about her background. My dads much older than yours, so my gran was brought up by a single mother who had been in the workhouse. I find the context really helpful for not viewing her just as someone who gave my dad a shit childhood but a person with her own issues. My dad is also ace, he’s done a great job of not repeating her mistakes.

This happened in a time where corporal punishment was common and seen as good practice, yes.

However, the abuse here goes much further than that. What context could there be to explain a mother locking a child in a cabinet? A mother forcing one kid to hold his sibling down while she was being hit with a belt?

Absolutely no context or previous trauma or mental illness can excuse such acts.

I had something similar (possibly not as extreme abuse). It completely tainted my feelings towards my nan, even now after she has passed I can't see past it, and we had some great times as kids with her. I distanced myself when I found out.

When I hear about elderly people having 3 or 4 kids and not getting visitors etc. I sometimes wonder if there's a reason their kids don't visit.

You could try and have a talk with your Dad about how, more generally, people come to do awful things. You said he was a medic in war zones? So he may have some insight into this.
Once you feel you understand more about why she was like this - and also, why she's fine with you, now - the right decision will come naturally to you.
People will talk about their wrongdoing and apologize much more readily if they think the listener is willing to at least put his or herself in their shoes. "It wasn't right but I can see how it happened" goes a long way to unearthing introspection and admitting shame. BUT if someone is still a shit at heart it ain't worth it, is the big caveat.

Honesty, in your position I would seek external help for this. You have a huge amount to work through emotionally, have you considered seeing a councillor?

Grandmother lives in a different city and I haven't seen her for a couple of years

She really must have very little bearing on your life if you haven’t seen her for a “couple of years” purely on the grounds she lives in “a different city”.

so 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn’t navel gaze about it

What makes him “so so messed up”? How does that manifest itself beyond looking sad in photos as a child

I think you should honour your fathers wishes. He is the one that struggled with her behaviour and had to find a way to recover and live.

Find support for how you feel from a counsellor who understands family abuse.

In your shoes I would be utterly venal, and continue the relationship with her in the hopes of inheriting. Then find a way to gift something significant to your aunt and your Dad; but in such a way that it comes from you and not her estate.

Well then respect that.

it would seem he’s carved out a very fulfilling life and you’ve not even seen the woman for a few years…
So just let it go

Is your mum around, can you talk to her?

It's obviously been important for your dad that you build a relationship with your GM, he's clearly had to deal with a lot to not only allow that to happen but to flourish. I think if you go on the Stately homes threads on here you might get some insight as to why that's so important to him - we still want to please our parents, even when they're awful.

I think given he's done that, to withdraw from your GM would be like dishonouring his wishes. However, sometimes the things we wish for aren't good for us! Perhaps it would be an important step forward for him to see that you are unequivocally on his side.

I think a lot of depends on whether he's 'done the work' as they say. If he's engaged in therapy or done anything to break down what happened and why he feels the way he feels. But if he's just put it in a box and got in with living as well as he can, bringing things up might not be helpful.

Aarrrgh it's horrendously complicated isn't it? I think ultimately you have to be guided by what he wants, even though it doesn't sit right with you.

When did you first hear about the abuse? Why do you think they've started to tell you about it? This has given you such a lot to ponder over.

My DP, & his siblings were physically and verbally abused by their mother. The mother, as far as I know, didn't have an abusive childhood. He is NC with her, but the others dote on her. It's a very complicated relationship.

Also curious as to who told you, I must admit. Were they stirring the pot?

This is mainly because she has been spending 9 months at a time for the last two years in a different country as her brothers moved and she wasn't able to see them during covid. She's back now.