Any parents of twins around? I'd just like to vent.

[MMMandaBRB]

I have 13 month old twins, and a 5 year old. I'm normally a very practical person and if you saw me out you wouldn't think twice about how I was coping etc but I absolutely hate my life at the moment. Specifically:

• My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.
• Mental comparisons that I can't stop making between my twins - is my son neurodiverse? Lazy? Bit of an asshole? Just different to his sisters? Fucked if I know.
• How much more I have to do. More carrying, more wiping shit, more pushing of a heavier pram, more cleaning the floor after meals, more thinking about who needs what when. I didn't want three kids.

• Statistics working against me - want a lie in / easy day / whatever else? There's just more chance one of the kids will fuck it up.
• Having to work much harder to do ordinary things, like go to a play club or the park or a cafe or the library, because one of the fuckers will cry or poo and then (because I can't leave the other unsupervised) we'll have to go.

• Inability to take public transport because I can never get on the first bus or two, because there's no space for a double pram.
• Far more thinking about whether where we're going is escape-proof, do I know anyone who can keep an eye on one for a minute etc.
• Fewer invitations to play dates.
• How much harder it is to spend quality time with them - again, it's a matter of minutes before the other cries/whines/shits.

DH does his share, I work PT, we have some childcare. It's not enough. I hate my kids and my life.

Do you really hate them? I'm not sure 3 is hugely different to 2....?

That sounds really tough. I am in awe of parents with twins.

Sorry no practical advice. I guess you just need to plough on.

Do you really hate them? I'm not sure 3 is hugely different to 2....?

How old are your twins now @AliceAbsolum ?

I have twins and an older singleton. I've really enjoyed it. Yes it's hard but all parenting is hard in different ways. Sounds like you need to chat with your partner and see what changes you can make and how you can make things feel better for you. Could you work more or less? Or change your hours so you're working a different time of the day?
On Facebook there are lots of multiple mums / parents groups which are great for venting and sharing ideas etc

Great comeback, OP!! And you’re absolutely right, I’m not a twin mum but it’s completely obvious to me that being a mum of three including twins is a whole different ball game to being a mum of two.

Are there any local groups that are specifically for twin parents? I think there’s a lot to be said for hanging out with people who just get it.

YANBU at all and your twins are at a tricky age where they’re articulating their preferences with crying or whingeing but can’t do much (anything!) independently yet so there’s lots of frustration all around.

I hope some twin mums will be able to give you some solitary and maybe some practical advice. Twin mums are superheroes in my eyes

I have twins but no older child. I can totally relate to some of your statements above and, when I think about it, I hate myself for the fact I’m failing them somehow. I don’t think people get just how difficult it can be having twins, I make a joke about I’ll only have to do each thing (sleepless nights, weaning, teething, potty training etc) but each and every one is harder trying to do twice at the same time.

You haven’t had very helpful replies so far OP, and mine won’t be helpful either I’m afraid. But I just want to say I hear you, it sounds really hard, and venting on here is a good idea. I bet you have a lot of good ideas, and I hope you cut yourself some slack.

Any family around that could maybe have one of the twins for a couple hrs so you can have one on one with the other whilst 5 year old is at school ?
If makes you feel any better I know of two people who had a third child which ended up being twins and then had 4 kids under 6

Hello, I have twins and an older one.
The twins are now 13 and the eldest 20 and I can say it does get easier but that first year or so was a long hard slog.
I understand some of how you feel, I was happy with just the one child, I let myself be talked into a second which then turn out to be twins and then to top it off my husband walked out when I was about 5 months pregnant with them.

Your feelings aren't wrong, it's natural to feel negative when you have so much on your plate.
Are there any twin play groups in your area you could go to? I found them a bit wanky but they did help in the sense they made me realise I wasn't alone in how I felt.

Could your husband take them for a day while you spend some one on one time with your eldest?
It is a hard situation to manage trying to give everyone a piece of yourself.

If things start to get too much then speak to your health visitor, you are not alone and it is natural to feel overwhelmed when you have 2 little babies and an older child.

I've got "Irish twins" (so two singletons born close together) and I've been a lone parent with them for most of this year so not exactly the same but I do feel you. I know you want to vent and I 100% sympathise.

On a practical front, can I make a suggestion? When you need to change one, fasten the other into the buggy for a minute and just lie the one with the dirty nappy flat in the double buggy instead of going into a baby changer and do it there. Put the nappy under the dirty one, clean them up, put all the wipes in the dirty nappy, roll it up into a sushi wrap and fasten them up then bin it (or bag it if you're using reusables). It's the only way we can be out and about.

Fuck anyone who gives you shitty looks about whatever you need to do to survive. They don't get to have an opinion unless they are also looking after multiples in a buggy. Also, get the oldest one to help you. By moving them into the role of an older brother/sister, e.g. holding the wipes while you change the nappy, it keeps them out of mischief and teaches them about being emotionally intelligent around the younger two.

Feel free to tell me to shut up/dick off if this comes across as patronising, it is well-intentioned.

You're right in the thick of things now and it does seem as if you're constantly fire fighting. It does get better, I promise you! My triplets plus their 6 years older brother are now adults. Yes, there were times when I thought I was going insane, but it was certainly a ride, most of the time an excellent one. Hang in there!

They don't get to have an opinion unless they are also looking after multiples in a buggy.
Actually that came out wrong, they still don't get to judge you.
Hope it all feels better soon.

This is either purposefully goady, purposefully unkind or just completely unthought through. You can't imagine how having 2 13month olds at the same time might be trickier than just one? Really?

No practical advice, but feel your frustration, twins are so intense and you feel that you can’t do anything more in that second as there’s too much to do. You are doing fine, the best you can. I used to think at the end of every day, they are one step closer to being independent. Can you split them up at weekends and get one on one time with each parent and the third with a friend or grandparent? Just so you get some quality time to re-centre?

OP I'm not surprised life is difficult. I have 2 a similar age but not the twin! I'm a teacher, know how to deal with kids, have lots of support and it's still hard work. I know it's not help now but speaking to people with twins, life really will get easier.

@MMMandaBRB VENT AWAY! As my username suggests I know all too well what you’re going through (my three were similar ages)!!!

Your only fault is that you have posted this on AIBU!!! You’ll get knobheads saying “how is three harder than two” and “I have two close in age so I know what it’s like”😂😂😂😂😂😂 They are CLUELESS.
What you need to do is join a twin specific Facebook group (there are many!!!) where you can vent to your heart’s content without judgment, and people WILL get you. Better still, hook up with other local twin parents! I wouldn’t have made it through the early days without my fellow twin parent allies.

Anyway, ALL your feelings are totally normal and it WILL get so much better. My three are older now and there are many days I feel having twins is actually easier than just one! Hang in there, you’re doing a great job!

I don’t have twins but I think it must make a huge difference when 2 of them are twins!

Ps I meant my three were similar ages to yours, an older singleton and then twin toddlers.

Oh my love you sound so ground down!

I have twins and a younger one which I’m 100% certain is the easier way to have them. Mine are now 13 so all this is way back in the past - but I was only saying recently that this age is just so so tough. Old enough to be a menace but not old enough to have any awareness of danger.

My genuine advice would be to put them in nursery for as long as possible. Take the financial hit because it will do your mental health good to know that they do messy play and puddle stomping and stuff that you want to do but is SO HARD with two little ones.

If you can, take a day for yourself. Just take a day off from your job and do nothing. Nap, watch shit tv, go for a walk. Don’t use it for doing laundry or whatever, use it as a reset. You are important too, your mental health is absolutely imperative when you have a family to look after.

<big hugs>. It might not feel like it but it will get better I promise.

I hear you! It does get easier as the twins get more independent, I found the whole taking them out and finding somewhere one can't escape incredibly challenging, I was an anxious mess when they were toddlers. Or taking both to the toilet/nappy change etc, and others just didn't seem to get it.

I found a local multiples playgroup which was a great help to me, making friends with parents who had exactly the same challenges as me. It was a bit of a lifesaver actually.

And yes @AliceAbsolum having 2 exactly the same age is much harder! Why did you click on this thread?

Hi OP

I completely understand I was you at one point.
There was a year where I had 4 DC 5 and under, DS 5, DS 3 & twin DDs. It was hell and I didn't drive so it was public transport when DH was at work. I obviously managed but it was so hard even leaving the house to go to the local park took 45 minutes.
I am a very organised person naturally and the chaos the this many DC bring was making me depressed.
In the end I just accepted that doing anything or going anywhere just takes a lot longer.

This period doesn't last that long and it does get easier. I utilised DH too and had him take the twins so I could spend quality time with the older 2 which really helped my mum guilt. I also took every opportunity to escape all of them even if it was just to do the weekly shop at Asda.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be as efficient and spend the time on 1 DC like you used to. You are a mum of 3 now 💐

I have twins and a older singleton (3 under 3 when they were small) it’s bloody hard and intense parenting. It gets easier/different I promise

I hear you op. Mine are much older now and I didn't have an older child to deal with too.

It does get easier, and actually fun when some of the drudgery stops. Nappies, having to pack a ridiculous amount of stuff to get out of the house, being able to get on a bus or a train...

Do you have a local twins club? It was a lifesaver for me, everyone actually got it, and there were a couple of triplet mums at mine and I always wondered how they fuck are they doing this.

I feel your pain. Mine are tweens now and I only have them but everything with twins is so much more intense and I have huge guilt about everything parenting wise.

on the upside they are now at an age where I feel I can enjoy them. The early years felt like I was just going through the motions.

Massive hugs to you OP

I hear you OP. I have twins and a younger singleton (harder to fathom why I did it when it’s that way round!) It is hard, really hard for so many reasons. It does get so much easier.

When I hit the skids I found strict scheduling worked for me (as much as it can). We had twin friendly baby groups - a lovely leader at Monkey Music would always take one if needed and I found my local Twins Club. It was a sanity saver! In regular baby groups I would feel so judged for struggling, one twin would always be off getting in to trouble while I dealt with the other! At Twins Club we all understood. Mums of older, more independent twins would help with the babies. I can’t recommend it enough. Good luck and keep swimming.