Any parents of twins around? I'd just like to vent.

[MMMandaBRB]

I have 13 month old twins, and a 5 year old. I'm normally a very practical person and if you saw me out you wouldn't think twice about how I was coping etc but I absolutely hate my life at the moment. Specifically:

• My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.
• Mental comparisons that I can't stop making between my twins - is my son neurodiverse? Lazy? Bit of an asshole? Just different to his sisters? Fucked if I know.
• How much more I have to do. More carrying, more wiping shit, more pushing of a heavier pram, more cleaning the floor after meals, more thinking about who needs what when. I didn't want three kids.

• Statistics working against me - want a lie in / easy day / whatever else? There's just more chance one of the kids will fuck it up.
• Having to work much harder to do ordinary things, like go to a play club or the park or a cafe or the library, because one of the fuckers will cry or poo and then (because I can't leave the other unsupervised) we'll have to go.

• Inability to take public transport because I can never get on the first bus or two, because there's no space for a double pram.
• Far more thinking about whether where we're going is escape-proof, do I know anyone who can keep an eye on one for a minute etc.
• Fewer invitations to play dates.
• How much harder it is to spend quality time with them - again, it's a matter of minutes before the other cries/whines/shits.

DH does his share, I work PT, we have some childcare. It's not enough. I hate my kids and my life.

Twin mum here. I found 12-18 months so much harder than the baby stage. Please believe it gets easier as they get older. Top tip is find a twin mum baby group so you can vent properly. You can't really with singleton mum's as it just sounds like you are trying to one up them all the time!

All I can say if I fully understand.
Things will start to get better when they both walk well. 12 more months. Hold on tight.

I also have a singleton and younger twins but they are 9 and 7 now

i completely agree with everything you said. I would never have chosen to have 3 and often felt resentful that I didn’t have a choice in the matter. A number of my friends with children the same age as my eldest had a younger singleton and I couldn’t help comparing how much easier they had things

Twins in general are so much more difficult than 2 singletons when they are babies. Just the logistics as you pointed out. I also had massive guilt as one of my twins cried every time you put them down but the other one was quite happy to sit in a bouncer all day, so that’s where he stayed!

The silver lining is that it gets easier as they get bigger / more independent. It’s still crap having to share your time / being outnumbered / much higher costs and all the general downsides of having 3 kids rather than 2, but at least they can sort themselves out now so it’s no different to having 3 singletons. It’s also lovely seeing the connection they have together

Sorry not to be more positive!

I have twins and a singleton with ASD a year older. Sometimes it was great, sometimes I was beyond stressed. The answers I found were twins club for likeminded parents and an enforced daily quiet hour in the afternoon. I didn’t care who needed a nap, everyone went to their cots / sofa with tv on and we all had some space from each other. It does get easier. Also, gin.

Hey OP,

Just wanted to respond in solidarity. Mum of a just turned 3 year old girl and 13 month b/g twins. It's fucking hard. I feel exactly like you. When my daughter was 6 months I started seeing a therapist and have been there for almost three years now! It's the best decision I have made and gets me out for an hour and a half.

I've also today for the first time, taken them out on my own on the bus to Winchester Christmas market. I got a hot chocolate and had a look round and got home in one piece and am so very proud. (The three year old is at preschool today)

It's got so hard- we have no family down here so we do pay for childminders and preschool and I work three full days a week - it's insane!

I almost had a break down in June and just booked a trip to Germany with my friends and went for 3 days last month!! It completely reset me!

My husband and I split everything- one of us had the three year old and one of us has the twins... we haven't really gone out as a family of 5 yet.

I didn't go to any twins club or play groups atall.

Please take some time for yourself. My husband takes all three of them on a Saturday morning so I can go for a walk/swimming/coffee shop etc and it's amazing.

You just need to try to prioritise yourself- as hard as it is . You've got this!! Xx

I am not a twin mum but I just wanted to say how much I totally respect your honest. To the outside world I am a doting and attentive mum to my 8 and 3 year old. BUT.....there are times that I literally hate everything about the day. How on earth you deal with 2 toddlers is beyond me. I have a friend with triplets and her daily washing pile alone could send me spiraling.

She always says how people tell her that 'multiples are a blessing' and she wishes she could slap them.

I have twins and an older one and it does get easier once they start playing together. At 13 months they are too young for this.
My twins are 6 and get invited to more birthday parties than most kids as they are in separate classes at school and so we know a broad spread of people. It's hard though and tough not being able to focus on the older one, but it does improve eventually.

Why didnt you put them in the pram / buggy?

Urgh it’s hard. I had a one year old and then twins, and they all turned out to have ASD and ADHD. And were cows milk protein intolerant. It was insanely hard.

I got a night nanny for a few hours overnight twice a week. I found out my husband was going for naps in his company board room in the day so he got to do some night feeds too. They were and still are the most beautiful funny children but there were many many days when I wanted to sprint away.

Christ alive. Why are you fixating on this? Do you think you’re being helpful? Or would you rather make OP feel worse so that you can make your point? Enough with it and if you have nothing helpful to say, particularly as someone whom imm guessing doesn’t have a set of twins and an older child, I suggest you get back in your box and leave OP alone.

@AliceAbsolum please come back and tell us some more jokes.

OP mine are nearly 3, DS was 4.5.
Born Dec 19, locked down March 20, shielding first born that first block, with a school enthusiastic about home learning.

Other than work, do you get time out whilst DH has them? Obv not together, no one wants to babysit twins+1. I think that's the main thing for me. I don't work as I'm a carer for DS.

If I play group etc I a) go with a friend with ONE kid who'll pitch in / group where kids don't outnumber us and friends who would grab my kid, tal kto them, basically Co parent without doing nappies.
b. Find one thsts secure so they can't escape and then let them free C. Try and shit up the voices in my head telling me everyone is judging me.

We catch the bus a lot, I've been known to apologise AS I GET ON and comfirm were only going three stops.

My house is always messy. I brought a light weight hand held vacuum I can easily empty and started to care less.

They now take their own nappy off, leave it somewhere and just present to me will Willie's out! Helpful 🙄

Whenever someone says "ooh double trouble" I vigorously agree and take all their pity and praise.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hi @MMMandaBRB my twins are 6 now. I have two older kids who when they were born were 5 and 3. The age yours are at now I felt I was in an awful situation and really struggled with, it’s very hard but I promise you when they are just a bit older and able to play together it makes a massive difference and you’ll find their friendship makes things a little easier than it has been up to now. We don’t have any family around either, or friends we could ask for help, I really can understand how you are feeling. Honestly though now it’s busy and crazy at times but they really are absolutely brilliant and I’m sure you’ll feel differently in not that long. I did have to seek help with my mental health at about the point you’re at and get some support with that as I got increasingly anxious and angry about our situation and the gruelling days and inability to feel I was doing anything right and it really did help. You sound like you may benefit from talking to your GP about how you’re feeling too, mine was really understanding and encouraging and medication really helped get me through the couple of years after that period. I’m stronger for it now. Hope you are ok and I love your comeback to the pp who suggested it was the same as two, keep that spirit going!!

Fucking hell just because I personally feel saying you hate your own children is a worry I get the whole get back in your box??
I was replying to a pp who quoted me! Is that not allowed! I have to stay silent in case I offend!!
Btw I have twins and an elder DD so don't assume!!!
I was actually trying to suggest the op may need help rightly or wrongly

4 year old twins here.

It sucks. Always having to plan everything sucks.
Everyone telling you it will get easier sucks.
The isolation is awful. You try to meet people but you can't hold a conversation cause you have one fecker trying to eat dog shit while the other is trying to kamikaze off a slide.

Give yourself a break.
Mine were 13 months old during lockdowns. They had no nursery/socialisations throughout and have survived with little obvious scarring.

I have an older singleton, now 16 and boy / girl twins who are 12, so a similar age range. The first two years are bloody hard but it does get easier and you are through the worst. It’s just a blur now so I can’t remember how we coped.

If something was hard to do I’d either try to think of a way round it or do something else. You have to adapt as you have to consider that you have two. If you can’t do an activity now, maybe do it in the future. I was a lot more directive than parents of a singleton as I just didn’t have the time to negotiate everything. I used reins when they could walk so I could keep hold of them. We made bedtimes special for the older one so it was his time with us.

Don’t compare the two, it’s hard but they will grow and develop at their own rate. My girl always did everything first, found school easy, good at sports etc and it was hard for the boy as they were in the same class so he knew she was smart. He is just starting to come into his own now at secondary school. You need treat them as individuals as so many people won’t. My MIL would call them ‘the twins’ I just kept calling them ‘Will’ and ‘Cath’ and she picked it up.

Yeah OK fair, I was wrong. Unhelpful comment. I'm bitter and infertile.
Sorry OP. Hope it gets easier for you.

very graciously done. X x x

When our dc were three months we were at a service station and an older bloke told us he had twins.
We asked when it got easier and he said when they were five.
We thought he was joking.
Now are dc are in high school we see he wasn't.

💐x

I’m the older sibling to twins and honestly 🤣 at anyone who can’t grasp that multiples is a very specific physical and mental challenge. I was 4 and acutely aware it was a fucking shitshow.
OP I really hear what you said about the choice being taken away from you, you have my sympathies. It must feel very hard and you will be grieving for the family you imagined.

I have twins but no older child which I imagine is harder , I survived , had no family help and I don’t drive and went everywhere on the bus with them. I had an I candy double decker pram which was great and fitted on the bus as it is the same width as a standard park just slightly longer

Didn’t have time after nap time to walk there. Literally had to wake them up and set off

It’s when they are 3 and you are out with them on your own in town and they take their backpacks with the reins off and run in opposite directions , have had kind gentleman chase and catch one of mine in marks and Spencer once

Too late now but for anyone else contemplating this, you need a buggy that fits in the car. Even the cheaper umbrella ones if you car isn't big. One kid out, into buggy. Two kid out into buggy. To school. One kid in car.

Two kid in car. Three kid in car. Home.