Any parents of twins around? I'd just like to vent.

[MMMandaBRB]

I have 13 month old twins, and a 5 year old. I'm normally a very practical person and if you saw me out you wouldn't think twice about how I was coping etc but I absolutely hate my life at the moment. Specifically:

• My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.
• Mental comparisons that I can't stop making between my twins - is my son neurodiverse? Lazy? Bit of an asshole? Just different to his sisters? Fucked if I know.
• How much more I have to do. More carrying, more wiping shit, more pushing of a heavier pram, more cleaning the floor after meals, more thinking about who needs what when. I didn't want three kids.

• Statistics working against me - want a lie in / easy day / whatever else? There's just more chance one of the kids will fuck it up.
• Having to work much harder to do ordinary things, like go to a play club or the park or a cafe or the library, because one of the fuckers will cry or poo and then (because I can't leave the other unsupervised) we'll have to go.

• Inability to take public transport because I can never get on the first bus or two, because there's no space for a double pram.
• Far more thinking about whether where we're going is escape-proof, do I know anyone who can keep an eye on one for a minute etc.
• Fewer invitations to play dates.
• How much harder it is to spend quality time with them - again, it's a matter of minutes before the other cries/whines/shits.

DH does his share, I work PT, we have some childcare. It's not enough. I hate my kids and my life.

I have a nearly 5 year old and 18mo twins. I had a parenting fail and sent DD to school in her uniform today, on non uniform day!

I was also wondering lately if I’m
being unreasonable not taking the twins out anywhere on school days when I have all three at home, but by the time we’ve dropped off DD, come home, unloaded from pushchair, had a play out/snack/sorted the laundry hill it’s lunchtime then nap time and then we’ve only got an hour or so before pick up. I know a SAHM mum of twins & older child who goes to a group everyday and I felt a bit inadequate. I only work 2 days but those days are a rush as I have to get DD to breakfast club and then the twins are tired by the time I walk through the door so it’s straight to bedtime. Then the laundry builds up so I have to do it on my days off.

Anyway, I get it completely, I feel a bit hopeless and inadequate and overwhelmed and I understand about never wanting 3 although I would never send any of them back, I didn’t want the lifestyle of 3 kids. I struggle with having no me time, I sometimes think back to how easy my life was when I only had work to consider.

I wouldn’t change it but this is not an easy life.

@MMMandaBRB have you looked at the twins board on here?

I should also add that I compare myself to other parents at school, but that’s probably unfair on me as none of them have twins. Some only have one child.

As parents of multiples it’s a unique situation and we really shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves!

The twins board is where posts go to die unanswered I’m afraid

Also just to add, I have B/G twins and have spent their life worrying about DS. He’s quieter, smaller, less sociable, struggled at school etc etc. So different to his sister. However there’s nothing wrong with him - they’re just different people but the comparison is more stark when they are exactly the same age.

My twins are now 17. When they were born their sister was just over a year old (twins were a surprise pregnancy after needing fertility treatment for first born). The early days ARE really hard. I empathise completely. It just feels like constant nappies, feeding, cleaning etc etc with minimal chance for fun, and I REALLY struggled with not having the same 1:1 bonding time with the twins as I’d had when DD1 was a newborn. Getting out of the house was a struggle…I don’t think I went out on my own with the 3 girls for the first year, and after that it was always to a small soft play area where I could see all of them all the time, or a particular playground where we could park nearby and again where I could always see them. I couldn’t take them swimming in their own. We spent loads of time at home and in the garden.

We did employ some help when we could…a local teenager would come round to play with them. My husband was very hands on, but still had to go into his office every day. I suffered from PND. But having said all that, it DOES get easier as the twins get older. They become more independent, they will occupy eachother. Eventually the nappies will go, they’ll start nursery/preschool and you’ll get a break. In the meantime, don’t feel guilty about plonking then down in front of the tv for an hour or 2.

Do you get any time at all away from the children, even just to go for a walk? Have you considered PND? Please DM if you’d like a chat.

OP I totally hear you. I have nearly 4 year old twin girls. Things have just started to get a tiny bit easier but you are absolutely in the eye of the storm right now.

My girls were very different in size and development and I was (and still am to be honest) always comparing them. It’s difficult not to.

I adopted the mantra of no twins no opinion! Regular playgroups were impossible, but see if you can find a twins group near you on Facebook that meet regularly. Other friends with singletons I’m afraid just don’t get how fucking hard it is.

hang in there, it does get a bit better but cut yourself some slack, lower your standards, do what you can to get through the day and just keep counting down the days/weeks/months until you get your free 30 hours 😂

Omg clearly not a twin mother with another child too.

@MMMandaBRB my dd turned 5 and 2 weeks later I had twins.

You are in the thick of it I am afraid and life is very difficult for you right now.

It will get easier I promise, just keep doing what you are doing for now, or more childcare if you can afford it

To be fair quite a bit of what you've said is more about having 3 kids than specifically twin related- as a 3 child family I more than empathise with most of what you've said there!!

I guess the benefit of twins is that you'll be through the baby stage quicker, albeit harder work when you're in it. My 3 are evenly spaced (3 years apart) and it's meant spending 9 full years in the baby stage with disrupted sleep, no lie-ins, nappies, pushing the older one(s) to be more independent/patient while I wipe bums etc. My friend with twins got through it all so much faster as she didn't keep going back to square one- and with the twins being at the same developmental stage as other, meeting everyone's needs can be simpler than when they are all spaced out and needing 3 different stages of games/books to keep them all challenged.

Though twins are undoubtedly very hard work when they are babies (and generally more expensive than singletons too!!).

13 months is a shit age, and with twins that's obv even more full on.
Give it a bit longer and they'll be fab playmates and need less interaction from you ..... it won't always be this shit.

Mine are 21 now and best of friends.

To be fair quite a bit of what you've said is more about having 3 kids than specifically twin related- as a 3 child family I more than empathise with most of what you've said there!!

No it really isn't.

If you don't have twins and you have 3 years between your DC how is your situation similar to the OPs?

Mine are mid teens now. I am thankful I didn't have a singleton to cope with as well!!

Do you really hate your kids? Twins really are amazing and they are your babies.

Unless you have twins, or other multiples, you don't know what it is like

I've been there only just twins no older child I love them dearly but early in was relentless and things like baby groups hard work ...used to sometimes envy the mums with one who could have a coffee whilst watching their one toddler as mine ran off in different directions. However it gets easier I clearly remember one day at about 3 I woke up and could hear them playing together and occupying themselves now they are 9 and I think it is probs easier than having a gap as they are in to similar things etc. Hang in there..its tough now I found until about 2.5/3 the hardest but long term it's worth it!

I only have one but my db and his wife have three - the twins were born when the eldest was almost 2. We went on holiday with them when the twins were 1 and oh my fucking Christ I don’t know how you cope. My sil in law has confessed that she HATED them when they were born because it was just so neverendingly about them. No one else gets a look in, not the elder child, not the husband and certainly not you, in the centre of everyone else holding all that shit together.

The good news I have for you is that no one hates anyone anymore, the kids all get along great and nobody died in the first 6 years. So all in all, having been on that horrendous week long holiday myself, and bearing in mind that they (and you) had to cope with that shit 24/7, I think they’ve totally won at twin + an elder parenting. I’m sure you’ll win at it too, just don’t beat yourself up about thinking it’s really shit when it quite patently is.

sending

I hear you.

Thankfully I had my surprise twins before other children.
Which is not of much help to you.

Public transport and door ways were a problem back in my day. Doesnt sound like anything has changed.

You can pick out from this thread who doesnt have twins!

I have twins and a younger singleton. It's hard work. Really hard work. So what you're feeling is totally normal (even if it's still pretty shit). I strongly recommend finding a multiple births group near you, as connecting with other ima of multiples really helps, even if it just allows you to vent to an understanding ear.

Also, things get just a little bit easier every day, they really do. You won't see the improvement day to day, but over the course of 3 or 6 months you'll look back and see that things are just a little better/easier/more manageable.

While you're waiting for that to happen, are you able to leave the twins with your partner while you have some one on one with your older child? I totally get the whole constantly saying 'no' thing, it's so tough, but if you can carve out some time for your older child, that's what they will remember. I also really tried to find at least one thing every day I could say yes to, it really made a difference.

Hang in there. Twins are hard. Beautiful, and amazing, but still hard!

I could write a whole lot more about what you have written.
But I think you really just want to vent at this point?

I am a twin parent of 16 month olds plus a 5 year old, please vent away! The comments from people about how it's the same as having three children spaced out or indeed EASIER....drive me crazy. Unless you have had multiples it's something you cannot comprehend. 13 months is a really difficult stage. Mine are now out of the really clumsy stage and they are getting 'easier' in many ways though they are starting to take things off each other which is quite difficult! I agree with the suggestion of trying to find a local twin group if you can, it's great to speak to people in the same position. The first year was brutal but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Solidarity and know that you are not alone xx

Thank you for the replies and stories. No, no family in the country. I’m not a fan of twin clubs but I should probably re-visit - I don’t particularly want to silo myself that way, but the playgroups are worth a go before I write them off.

can add to my original list-

the expense
the accessibility stuff - have had to go down and up stairs many times at “step-free” Tube stations.
The comparison with how I could spend my time with the older one.

This morning I put them in the pram in their coats and took the train to the nearest big city so I could have a takeaway coffee and a Pret sandwich. Now we are at an empty playground. Should kill the time til the next nap.

I have friends with twins who just never left the house and I don’t want that to be my life or theirs.

@lightand
yes, mainly a vent of frustration!
.

To be fair, I did acknowledge that it's not the same, and that the baby stage must be much more intense.

However, all of the points that the OP listed are so very true for me and my life, and probably also for most parents of 3- even more so if their age gaps are smaller. Surely you can understand that?? There's a high degree to which being outnumbered does just make it very hard work.

I was really trying to be encouraging as I think there are benefits in having kids less spread out- horribly intense at the stage the OP is at but the baby stage is done and dusted quicker.

Can you really not understand that having twins is undoubtedly different, but other configurations of age gaps can also be horribly hard work- after 9 solid years of sleep deprivation and nappies I think it would be more surprising if I couldn't empathise with no sleep, lots of poo, transporting multiple small children on buses, playgroups being a nightmare because baby/toilet training child meant everyone had to come to the toilet 10 times and we didn't do any playing, telling the older ones "not now" on repeat, worrying that developmental paths are very different, spending my days off doing laundry when I want to be playing with the little one etc etc. All of that is standard parenting stress, not twin-specific.

Oh your post made me laugh.
My twins are 18months and eldest is 3 so I FEEL YA

To summarize.
Twins can be arseholes.
End of
My personal fav is when they sprint off in different directions.

That being said. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Things did get easier when I went back to work --- wee 8 hour holiday every day.