Any parents of twins around? I'd just like to vent.

[MMMandaBRB]

I have 13 month old twins, and a 5 year old. I'm normally a very practical person and if you saw me out you wouldn't think twice about how I was coping etc but I absolutely hate my life at the moment. Specifically:

• My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.
• Mental comparisons that I can't stop making between my twins - is my son neurodiverse? Lazy? Bit of an asshole? Just different to his sisters? Fucked if I know.
• How much more I have to do. More carrying, more wiping shit, more pushing of a heavier pram, more cleaning the floor after meals, more thinking about who needs what when. I didn't want three kids.

• Statistics working against me - want a lie in / easy day / whatever else? There's just more chance one of the kids will fuck it up.
• Having to work much harder to do ordinary things, like go to a play club or the park or a cafe or the library, because one of the fuckers will cry or poo and then (because I can't leave the other unsupervised) we'll have to go.

• Inability to take public transport because I can never get on the first bus or two, because there's no space for a double pram.
• Far more thinking about whether where we're going is escape-proof, do I know anyone who can keep an eye on one for a minute etc.
• Fewer invitations to play dates.
• How much harder it is to spend quality time with them - again, it's a matter of minutes before the other cries/whines/shits.

DH does his share, I work PT, we have some childcare. It's not enough. I hate my kids and my life.

Hiiii! I have boy girl twins and a daughter 18 months their senior. Planned on only two kids also. They are in their mid-late teens now. I can completely identify with what you are saying. Important milestones for me weren’t crawling, talking, walking. No. They were,:

1. being able to propel themselves on the swings at the park with no help from me.
2. climbing into the pushchair by themselves. Ditto for climbing into the car seats in the car.
3. getting in and out of the bath with little/no assistance. Ditto for the bed.

I did get rid of ‘stuff’ as soon as I could. The second they could sit in a kids chair, out went the high chairs. I got one of those table and chair settings from ikea. They ate all meals there. Easier to clean. I also got rid of the flashy double buggy and got a cheap double stroller. When the twins were about 3 I got rid of it and they walked everywhere. Sure, they couldn’t walk far. But it was a hassle going too far away anyway. I was, and still am, a nazi about food and drink. Food only at the table it in the park. Nothing but water anywhere else. The car, the pram, everywhere.

my son was also very different to his sisters. Newsflash, he is divine. Fucking lazy, but kind and loving (mostly). I adore him.

On a good day they all arrive home from school chatting and laughing about their day. The girls chat about their stuff and clam up whenever I get near. Sometimes with their brother too. I fucking adore the very guts of them. Inside and out. They frustrate me no end sometimes, with their mess and their not studying enough for my liking and sometimes they are jaw dropingly rude! But their teachers love them, they have friends, they are doing well academically, they are good, good people.

I apologise and understand if you want to punch me in the face right now. I would too, in your position. But I can PROMISE you I know exactly how you’re feeling now. It does get better. It gets fantastic.

Mine are 13 now but I echo what other have said, it does gear easier, honestly.

i remember the first couple of years as being harder. They each want all you attention. But then suddenly they are old enough to play together and at that point it’s much easier. They have a best friend and aren’t as demanding of you.

hang in there 😀

I have 4 year old twins (one of whom has Down syndrome) and a 6 year old. You are at a really tough age with the twins. That toddler age is tough with one and you have two of them. It’s really hard so give yourself a break. There is not much else to do other than survive it! It’s really really hard and are doing great!

Now mine are older it is much easier. They entertain themselves more, two are toilet trained (DD isn’t as she isn’t ready yet because of her learning disability) and the two boys walk so only one pushchair for DD as she needs it. Makes getting out much easier.

When the twins were smaller me and DH did a divide and conquer approach. One of us would take the eldest out on our own and one would stay with the twins. Sometimes we would take the eldest and one twin out and the other would stay with the other twin. It makes it easier if you only have two with you and one baby and each gets some alone parent time at some point. Means you don’t always have family time but makes for a calmer day in a lot of ways.

If I had all three on my own we stuck to really simple outings near home. We have a park and a Morrisons within a 10 minute walk so that was pretty much all we did. We spent so much time in Morrisons cafe that the staff there used to help me with them and watch the others if one needed a nappy change etc. Meant they ate way too much cake but I was picking my battles! I agree with others that said about a twin club or a group with good leaders who will help you, it makes a big difference. We used to go to a Down syndrome play group and everyone would help me if I needed it.

It’s still chaos now they are a bit older but it is better and they are at school which helps a lot. I really feel for you, you are at a really tough stage and just need to keep going. You can do it! And please keep venting, twin mums all get it!

I think when you already have an older singleton it's so easy to compare how much easier it was with one baby at a time! For example I still get pissed off when it's horrible weather on the school run and I'm there messing about with getting both babies into the pram without getting freezing or soaked, because in my head I think well if I'd have just had another singleton I could have just grabbed them out of the car and ran to the school gate with the baby tucked into my coat! There's a lot more faff with twins when it comes to stuff like this, I don't think people realise. When it comes to expense, I agree on that point also, the comment two for the price of one that people like to say really pissed me off! I buy a lot of the babies clothes on vinted, there is even a bit for twins if you like yours matching. Mine are starting to interact a lot more lately and it's so lovely to watch, I'm really starting to see the magic of twins now x

Solidarity, OP! It will get better.

I found 13 months a difficult stage too - not least because so many people tell you how hard the first year is with twins. I remember looking around the room the day after their first birthday and thinking 'this is no bloody easier!'

My 3 kids are 14 (twins) and 16 now, and it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but that real drudgery of little kids is happily a distant memory. I look back and I honestly don't know how we did it, but we did, and you are doing it too.

I found one benefit of my situation was that people generally didn't do a lot of judging - I felt a lot of (possibly largely self-inflicted) pressure to be a visibly good mum with my eldest, and when I had the three I felt like people thought I was winning just by getting through the day with no major incidents. And that helped me to let some stuff go.

I also found that spending time with any combination of one or two of the kids felt much easier and more fun. And if one was elsewhere and DH and I were both there it was positively simple! If you have those kind of options, might be worth considering.

But otherwise, yes, vent away. I see you.

I have twins. They are relentlessly loud and energetic. I have become most adept at having two separate conversations at the same time. Shouts of "look at me with both eyes" is normal along with very little one on one time. I have a girl and a boy and my daughter has always been ahead of my son in almost everything and I do think this is because he is more lazy laidback than she is. Similarly he is easier to get on with. They are now 6 and at school which is wonderful 😂 and getting them into nursery at 2, just two mornings a week, was just fantastic. How you are feeling is totally normal.

You know when you're tipsy and you love everyone...that's how I felt when they started nursery. I could have kissed the nursery staff 😂

@hillsmakeyoustrong
I literally Waltz into work every day after childminder drop off 😂😂😂

Going to work was like a holiday. I loved our nursery!!

Yes!! I think mine were about 13 months when my sister came back from her smear test and I actually went and looked up when mine was due because the thought of having to go to the appointment on my own was so appealing!

intense at the stage the OP is at but the baby stage is done and dusted quicker.

And then you have the toddler stage which is harder than baby stage due to them being mobile and struggling to manage their emotions and generally being roddlers x2 and they still wake up in the night.
Not to mention they are heavier but still need a pram so you need to be herculean to get them about.

Can you really not understand that having twins is undoubtedly different, but other configurations of age gaps can also be horribly

Noooo of course I can't understand I mean what would I know having 4dc including twins with only very little space in between them and the older 2.

The OP is posting about having twins. Her title asks for parents with twins not parents with DC of various ages. I dont see how anyone posting who doesn't have twins is helpful.

Sympathies OP, all I can say is that your children are loved and cared for so they will thrive. It isn't a bad thing that a 5 year old learns to wait.

The families I know with twins do find it hard but they are wonderful parents and have great kids. The twins get so much from having each other.

Twins are hard but surely it's not ok to say you HATE your kids. Or did you not mean hate op?

I don't have twins...but I know if I did, I would feel how you are feeling.

I'm sorry. I hope things get easier for you soon.

There's a huge difference between 2 and 3 kids. Especially when 2 are twins, multiple kids of different ages are easier than twins as they're at different stages but when you have 2 at the same age it's a nightmare. You try bathing 2 babies, you can't put them in the bath together as you have to hold them, you can't leave one alone in another room while you do the other so you have to have one on the floor next to you while you bathe one then swap them over, all while they're fussing over being on the floor/bored/getting cold, I do not miss those days.

This will pass OP, the first couple years are honestly just survival but when the twins get to 3 you will suddenly get your life back. Older twins are much easier than single kids, they entertain each other and you get a break! Hang in there xx

My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.

This will do them the power of good. Make sure that the younger ones hear this plenty when they get old enough too. I have a partner who would have benefitted from hearing this more at a young age (only child, indulged).

[Misses point of thread.]

@Canyousewcushions there’s a lot that’s similar, I don’t want to claim chief pariah status. Not to mention that lots of people want kids and can’t etc. I guess the difference for me is that when I had my first I saw friends with three kids, saw how run ragged the parents were / how time was spliced and thought- nope, not doing it. But I didn’t make a choice here. I assume you did make a decision to have/keep a third.

As @PeekabooAtTheZoo said: Fuck anyone who gives you shitty looks about whatever you need to do to survive. They don't get to have an opinion unless they are also looking after multiples in a buggy Spot on!

I have twins but no older singleton like you. It’s very, very hard when they’re little. I honestly thought I wouldn’t survive. We do survive and one day you’ll find you have time to yourself, you’ll be able to go out without stress and drama, one day the kids will start doing things to help you, life gradually becomes easier. In the meantime, in this intensely difficult period, just try to grab every single rare opportunity to rest or do something for yourself, treasure the happy moments, and ignore anyone who criticises or judges.

I'd just like to add for all the people giving you grief for hating your kids OP, I'm a twin parent and I felt the same, I think all twin parents do. You love your kids obviously but really really HATE your life, perfectly normal xx

@FluffyFluffMonster I do. It’s taboo, I know. And I’d never harm them or myself obviously but I hate the life I live and in my mind it’s because of them. I’m a smart, educated productive person and I spend all day wiping shit and thinking about nap intervals.

I hear you OP

I have 11 month old twins & a 4 year old plus two older teen DC. It is relentless!

For me I do love having the twins, but it’s also so so hard! It is not just one more baby, it’s a whole other ballgame all together!

You need so much more stuff, everything is expensive, Double Pram, double buggy, 2 cribs, 2 cots, 2 high chairs, 2 car seats and then all the little things you need add up too bottles, sippy cups, nappies, wipes. Even using preloved, second hand I have still and am still spending a boat load!!

There is no just running out the door or nipping out the house. If people who had one baby thought it was bad, leaving the house with the twins and 4 year old looks like I’ve packed to go away for a week!!

The guilt that I go out so much less with the twins because some places are impossible to go on your own with them. The constant guilt that I can never make everything completely fair between the kids, someone is always having to wait for something. If I have a nice cuddle and bonding time with one I have to make sure all the rest get the same, I can feel like I’m spread so thin.

With my older singletons I always used to feel I had cracked it after a period of time, whereas with the twins I feel like I’m just constantly figuring it out as I go. I’m never ahead, always playing catch up.

Sadly I have no magic answers or solutions but I did want to show solidarity and let you know that it’s ok not to be loving every second of it, it’s ok to find things a struggle, it’s ok to need help, it’s ok to want a break, it’s ok feel like things are hard, because they ARE hard, it IS hard!!! There is nothing easy about having twins.

You are amazing, even if you don’t feel it, you are!

@MMMandaBRB it's fucking hard I know but it's not normal to hate your children. Could you speak to the health visitor? GP? Get some support for yourself? Think of things that would benefit you. A night away with friends to recharge?

And whoever mentioned clothes/cost - we are lucky in both that DH earns well and that all (all) clothes have been hand me downs, and the pram. Sadly friends weren’t so forthcoming with the new car we needed, and the bigger home . Again, thankfully, we can manage but it’s one of those things.

When my twins were babies I was astonished at how many people seemed to genuinely think that it wasn’t much more work than having one. It’s like they think the two babies are somehow one unit. I even had people telling me it’s easier to have twins than two singletons because “they’re always there to play with each other, so they keep each other occupied and don’t need to be looked after so much”. Also “you get each stage over and done with at the same time, so you don’t have to go through it twice”. Again, seeing twins as a joined up unit, not two individual children with different personalities, needs, health issues and different rates of development.

I just had to learn to ignore them, but it was deeply annoying knowing people thought I was having an easier time than people with two singletons.

I survived 3 under 2 but only just. I’m a couple of years down the road now and things are definitely getting easier but YANBU, only other twin mums understand the intensity!