Any parents of twins around? I'd just like to vent.

[MMMandaBRB]

I have 13 month old twins, and a 5 year old. I'm normally a very practical person and if you saw me out you wouldn't think twice about how I was coping etc but I absolutely hate my life at the moment. Specifically:

• My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.
• Mental comparisons that I can't stop making between my twins - is my son neurodiverse? Lazy? Bit of an asshole? Just different to his sisters? Fucked if I know.
• How much more I have to do. More carrying, more wiping shit, more pushing of a heavier pram, more cleaning the floor after meals, more thinking about who needs what when. I didn't want three kids.

• Statistics working against me - want a lie in / easy day / whatever else? There's just more chance one of the kids will fuck it up.
• Having to work much harder to do ordinary things, like go to a play club or the park or a cafe or the library, because one of the fuckers will cry or poo and then (because I can't leave the other unsupervised) we'll have to go.

• Inability to take public transport because I can never get on the first bus or two, because there's no space for a double pram.
• Far more thinking about whether where we're going is escape-proof, do I know anyone who can keep an eye on one for a minute etc.
• Fewer invitations to play dates.
• How much harder it is to spend quality time with them - again, it's a matter of minutes before the other cries/whines/shits.

DH does his share, I work PT, we have some childcare. It's not enough. I hate my kids and my life.

Whhhaaaaaaa!!!!

Im wishing you triplets next time!

Sounds really challenging.

I had a 5 year gap and then 3 in 3 years with the middle two very close in age and I can see how much easier it was with them a bit more spaced out.

Also living in London with a double pushchair- just horrid. I walked as much as I could as strapping 3 in the car, loading the double pushchair in then unstrapping them all!

Washable nappies for 3 for a while- such fun.

Extra difficult when you had very much decided to stop at two and your ovaries had different ideas.

I remember one of the hardest parts was school drop off and pickup when my dd was in reception.

I had to get my dd ready for school, feed twins, get myself ready and walk to school for 8.40.

At pickup I had to go in the car, so had to carry TWO very heavy babies in car seats from the car to the school. No one ever once offered to carry one for me. It was hardest just before they started walking, can you imagine how heavy they both were!

People would walk in the school gates with me chatting and still not offer.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think you need to speak to a professional about your MH.

It isn't normal to feel like this about your kids and I would be worried they'll pick up on how resentful you are of them. I have four dc's, two a set of twins and although it was extremely hard and relentless at times I never felt as hopeless as you sound or like I hated them. You've got them now so no point lamenting over the life you had before. Do you ever tell yourself how lucky you are to have 3 healthy children?

The worrying about your son not being as forward as the girls - I have 2 of each and this was always my experience so try not to worry about that.

Happy children need a (mainly) happy, healthy mum. Could it be this we, miserable time of year isn't helping?

Oh god, I would avoid twin/multiples clubs like the plague. I would also simply recognize that the DT’s are just siblings too, and normalize that. Stop calling them “The Twins” and refer to them by name.
I have an 18 year old DD and B/G twins who are 16. I had to be talked into having “One more” so cried for the whole pregnancy. I found that my giant twin pram didn’t fit around the supermarket that I had to frequent more often due to less crap fitting in the pram in the first place, plus it was a magnet for old ducks and idiots with intrusive questions. “Oh are they natural?” (No… they’re made of plastic.) “I.V.F.?” (NO… S.E.X..) *I was called rude for saying this, btw. And of course asking my ridiculously mature 2y/o if she was “Mummy’s little helper.” (of course not… I’m only two!)
Meanwhile, when others were complaining that they couldn’t pee or shower because of separation anxiety, mine had each other. I have adorable photos of them getting up to mischief with loo paper, snuggling up next to each other, watching snowflakes through the window. They’re still close - and with their sister - and defend each other, stir each other and of course irritate each other.

It gets better but slowly. I LOVE my gang now and wouldn't change them for the world but the 3 under 3 years were fucking awful.

tips

• more help. Just pay for it - whether that's babysitting, nursery on your non-working days or extra every help. Don't feel guilty - it makes your life better. Honestly
• Divide and conquer - you may see your partner less but it will give you a chance to say yes to your older one and do some one on one time with them.
• Grandparents or siblings? Can they take one out now and then? Even if it's taking one twin to the playground, it reduces the chaos.
• If you can cultivate one or two school friends that your oldest can do play dates with them that really helps. Sometimes you'll have to have them back but if the older ones can barricade themselves in their room to play then you can focus on the younger ones. I find adding an extra body is actually easier than you think.
• drop your standards. I did baths every night because it worked for us but if it is a tension point then twice a week won't kill anyone.
• Sleep - do what ever it takes to get more sleep. I am a fan of the reverse lie in. Go to bed at 8pm; read/watch shit on netflix but be in bed. You will get to sleep faster if all you need to do is turn off the light.

I hate the life I live and in my mind it’s because of them. I’m a smart, educated productive person and I spend all day wiping shit and thinking about nap intervals

Unlike a pp, I think this is an entirely normal way to feel.

I loved it and found it physically very hard work but I think it’s very dependent on your location/facilities.

I have b/g twins who turned 13 yrs old last week. They're both autistic and DS in particular has high needs (still in nappies at age 13, eg).

Having children who are close in age is nothing like having twins when they're young. As they get older, twins is more like having two children close in age. But not at baby/toddler stage. There are very unique challenges in having two (or more!) children who are going through EXACTLY the same stage ie/newborn/starting weaning etc. Twins is nothing like having two children nine months or more apart!

When I look back, there were so many things I couldn't do with twins that my friends with one baby could do. While there were many wonderful joys in having twins, there were specific challenges which made some elements very hard. But it does get easier.

Also, I echo PP re never calling them "the Twins". I hate it when they're treated like some kind of single entity.

I love having twins. Yes it was hard. And given their dual needs, it is STILL very hard at times. But there's a specialness about it, and my two have a close bond - even though they want to also kill each other sometimes 😅

@Comedycook hating one's life when dd are small is normal, however op states she hates her children. That's not normal.
OP please think about seeking help.

3 is a massive difference! I struggle on my commute with my 20 month old each day manging the steps of the overground with her and the buggy etc - buses are a nightmare - but at least with 1 I can take her out and fold up the buggy so we can usually get on! If I had twins too I think i'd sink into just not going anywhere tbh!!

I really hope things get better for you x

I hear you. It’s REALLY really hard work.

I have twins and an older DC who were just under 2 years apart.

Things that made me mad:

• People saying “I don’t know how you do it”.
• People with ONE baby talking to me about how hard it was. Turning up late if we agreed to meet, as so hard to get out on time!
• Comments like “Are they twins?” then “rather you than me”. The worst was a woman at a playgroup who asked me, then turned away to her friend and said “I’d kill myself if I had twins!”. Thanks for that.
• People with two DC quite close together who told me “I know just how you feel, it’s pretty much the same”. No, it isn’t.
• People who said “I’d love to have twins, two done in one pregnancy!”. Twin pregnancies are risky, stupid thing to say.
• My ex-DH who was shit.
• My parents, who really could have helped more than they did.
• Not being able to take them to baby swimming.

It was an incredibly hard time. I wish I’d taken more photos though as I can’t remember a lot. Also written down their first words and things like that.

Do you have a twin club nearby? That could save you. There was always at least one mum crying at mine, people helped though and held a baby. Rather than just sitting watching me struggle.

9 years on, it is easier. I still feel guilty about attention but often take them out on a one to one basis and just kind of rotate it.

For some time I felt like I regretted trying for another baby.

I am so glad now though. They are friends, they all love and protect each other (in between normal sibling scraps). I am really lucky but didn’t always feel that way!

At one point I was a single mother to a newborn DS, 18 month DS, 4yr old DD and 7 yr old DS.

I felt outnumbered, I compared constantly, I diagnosed them all with something or other with the help of Google. I felt like in the house I was trapped and going mad and going out was too difficult. I was never on top of anything or had enough time (or patience). I remember crying in the bathroom and my 7yr old saying through the door "is this an emergency?". Poor thing.

BUT my youngest is now 5 and it is all soooo much better. You must take some time to prioritise you, doing whatever you like. This too shalt pass!

Haha I identify with a lot of this. We have twins and an older one too. It's made us rethink so much about our solo kid. The twins are just instinctively social and symbiotic imho. They are easy going in so many ways, but it points up the difference with our son. In others - formal learning and language - they are behind because less adult interaction.

I have twins and another, and it is hard. Just here to say I hear you and you’re not alone!!

In others - formal learning and language - they are behind because less adult interaction.

Yup. This makes me so sad. My older one is (just) five and just the smartest most articulate girl - obviously I’m biased but she’s just started reception and reads fluently in English and in our other home language (different alphabet). She’s miles ahead. When she was little I sat with her and read and chatted and pointed things out. These two get to chew a book if they’re lucky. I do my best to read to them but in a minute the other’s pooed or fallen over.

Re your last post, I do not have twins, so I accept I have NO IDEA but there is just over 2 years between mine and I felt like you about not spending the same amount of time with the second as the first and it made no difference as to development or being articulate

don’t let that be yet another thing to beat yourself up about

YANBU, OP.

I've known 3 couples with twins. All of them were permanently shattered until the twins were at least 3.

One was a colleague. One day, when they were 4 months old, he was so knackered he could barely string a sentence together, he told me that they never, ever slept at the same time. He may have been exagerrating, but he said they reminded him of those clocks with the figures that alternately go in and out so that one was always out, but his twins did it with sleep. As soon as one dropped off, the other woke.

A friend said the toddler years were the worst. She'd just about stop DD1 from doing something dangerous, and before she'd sorted that her out, DD2 would go and do something else dangerous. She was at her wits end. By the time they were 5, they were much more manageable.

Her girls are now in their early 20s and have grown up to be lovely people, and are as close as can be. They do attract the attention of creeps and sex pests though. Fantasies about sex with twins seems to be quite common.

Hang in there. It does get better. My toddler is now 24 and my twins 21. But when they were little it was totally relentless. I don't remember much of the twins first 2 years - it was all a blur of nappies and exhaustion.

And to the idiot who thought 3 wasn't much harder than 2 it probably isn't but some of us never had 2. Going from 1 to 3 is a completely different ball game.

Mum of twins here.

I had them alone since they were born, it was hard work but I wouldn't be without them.

Mine are 10 now and a dream, they're so helpful, self sufficient and loving.

It gets easier.

One day you will be so glad you got the BOGOF deal with them 😉

Absolutely agree, twins are amazing! However it genuinely is a massive uphill struggle at times and just because they are our babies doesn’t mean we can’t find things difficult.

Mine just turned 2. It is exhausting and I don’t know how those with twins and other children do it but I really do adore them and their little quirks.

the issues with public transport, some shop door frames etc does get miles easier when they can confidently walk.

my Suggestion would be me lower your expectations (it’s my day off today and we are all still in Pjs)

Could you get an au pair to help with the older kids and to help a little with the twins while you are home with them? For example to keep an eye on them while you are with the older child (if you want one on one time w that child). Au pair can help clean up the mess after the meals, basically an extra pair of hands to make your life easier. They work 25 hours a week and live with you, you give them pocket money (100-120 GBP and food). I have 3 kids and its crazy busy. The au pair allows me to be able to focus on kids individually. For example, when my youngest was a baby, she would hold or bounce the baby in the bouncer so I could shower or go to the toilet or eat. I was always around, as they are not meant to take care of babies, so it was more of just so things did not get so crazy. She would play with the baby while I was helping the older two with homework (we were all together). And then she would play with the older kids or take them to their activities while I was with the baby.

I hear you OP. My twins are now 3 and my singleton is 5 and it’s still fucking shit sometimes but so much better than when the twins were under two. Now I just break
up fights and provide literally endless food to them. You will get there.

No one without twins understands. Lots of unmumsnetty hugs x

@OleLadiesDrawers but I'm talking about something different here. Hating your own children. Many a night I would be up in the early hours feeling like the situation was difficult with no end but I never for one moment hated my children.
Hating your life with newborns and hating your actual children is a huge difference