Any parents of twins around? I'd just like to vent.

[MMMandaBRB]

I have 13 month old twins, and a 5 year old. I'm normally a very practical person and if you saw me out you wouldn't think twice about how I was coping etc but I absolutely hate my life at the moment. Specifically:

• My older child constantly hearing "No", "Wait", "In a minute" etc.
• Mental comparisons that I can't stop making between my twins - is my son neurodiverse? Lazy? Bit of an asshole? Just different to his sisters? Fucked if I know.
• How much more I have to do. More carrying, more wiping shit, more pushing of a heavier pram, more cleaning the floor after meals, more thinking about who needs what when. I didn't want three kids.

• Statistics working against me - want a lie in / easy day / whatever else? There's just more chance one of the kids will fuck it up.
• Having to work much harder to do ordinary things, like go to a play club or the park or a cafe or the library, because one of the fuckers will cry or poo and then (because I can't leave the other unsupervised) we'll have to go.

• Inability to take public transport because I can never get on the first bus or two, because there's no space for a double pram.
• Far more thinking about whether where we're going is escape-proof, do I know anyone who can keep an eye on one for a minute etc.
• Fewer invitations to play dates.
• How much harder it is to spend quality time with them - again, it's a matter of minutes before the other cries/whines/shits.

DH does his share, I work PT, we have some childcare. It's not enough. I hate my kids and my life.

Mine aren’t twins they have 14 months between them but eldest is neurodiverse (low functioning ASD) and not at the development stage of the youngest yet. So they are essentially both mentally 14-18 months.

i struggle so badly with all the things you said

I'm a twin mum and I completely understand you! Unless you have twins you do not understand. I have 2 year old twins and a 5 year old also.
You have my sympathy! It's unbelievably challenging and so overwhelming.
I felt guilty for ages not having any time with my eldest. It does get easier. Your at a really difficult age. I remember really hating those months. Like seriously it wasn't fun at all. Your doing so well and it really does get easier. They all kind off play together now. Not everyday is easy but it's much more manageable. Thinking of you. X

Reported

Literally the most ignorant thing I’ve ever read in MN and I’ve been a daily user for 8 years.
Staggering. Try having a kid and then twins. It’s very VERY different to having 2

OP I could have written your post word for word when my twins were 13 months.
I had a 2 year old then unexpected twins.
They are now 11 and 13. I’ve made it this far for all these years!!
It gets easier when the twins start pre school and then easier again when they start school.
Its actually really lovely when they are all in primary school. I didn’t enjoy a single school holiday until the twins were around 5/6
When they can all use the toilet properly, eat on their own and won’t wander off it’s gets massively better.
When the older one can take the twins to the loo in soft play / McDonald’s, other kids places it a huge milestone as you no longer have to keep taking them.
You have another 3 years in reality OP and the next 2 are hard. I found the toddling age the hardest and lonely because there are so few places you can go with them on your own.
Invite people to your house rather than go out is what I did. Go to very small enclosed play parks at quiet times when there is hardly anyone there.
Rope in anyone to help you with one so you can get out and have company.
Let the house cleanness go a bit.
Cut corners where you can in all aspects to make life easier.
It does get easier in a couple of years.

Hi OP. You are doing great. Of course you hate them. And love them. They are so overwhelming. My DTDs are now 13.5 and they are my only children (enough was enough). It's really HARD, even without an older child. I totally relate to so much that you said - I didn't choose to have two at once, I didn't want to constantly say 'in a minute' or let one cry in vain. That lack of choice is really shit. I was so tired, and so outnumbered. 13m was the first time one even slept though the night for the first time. And it didn't happen again for a while.

I do really recommend a twins club. Because when you walk into a normal toddler group, all the mothers with their early to manage one child just look at you struggling with the double buggy or holding two at once. And at twins club, someone comes and grabs the buggy or a baby or brings you tea, because they Get It.

It's a shame a PP said the twins board isn't helpful here because it was amazingly supportive when I had mine. So hope that posting here has given you some support.
(Ignore the dumbasses that think '3 isn't much more work than 2' FFS.

Hang in there x

How come you didn’t clip the car seats into a travel system frame?
No way could I carry 2 car seats- I tried and just couldn’t do it as my arms arnt strong enough, even when they were newborn I struggled.
A travel system saves your sanity and back!

'How come you didn’t clip the car seats into a travel system frame?
No way could I carry 2 car seats- I tried and just couldn’t do it as my arms arnt strong enough, even when they were newborn I struggled.
A travel system saves your sanity and back!'

Some people have had twins before twin travel systems or even single travel systems existed you know!

@MMMandaBRB

Twins are brilliant. You just haven't got to that bit yet. I promise you.

From 1yr to 2yrs, they are a fucking nightmare. No denying that. And I would strongly recommend inviting people round. Get them to put the kettle on. Bring a cake. Hold/entertain one of them.

Also, I know what you mean when you say you don't want to be one of those twin mums who never leave the house ... But do you know what, for the last year, we've barely gone anywhere. Initially, I would fight them getting into the buggy. Then one poos. And a double buggy won't fit in the baby change facilities. Then the other one poos. Then the first wants to walk. Then the other one wants to get out. Then one needs a nap. But the other one doesn't want too. Hungry. Thirsty. Cuddles. Crying for the hell of it. One set of hands. Repeat every single time we try and have a nice walk around a farmers market or something. For 6 months.

Then I realised, it won't always be like this. And rather than do this groundhog Day of misery, I just stopped trying to force the impossible. The next 6 months we stayed in. And invited people round. And you know what, it was dull...but better.

Ours are about to turn 3. And out of nowhere they walk nicely, and don't wake up by tandom screaming. I wake up to the sound of them in fits of giggles playing in their room. It's honestly joyous. They make me laugh every day. They now entertain each other, and I get more time to myself than when I had elder singleton DS. They share their food and I hear "oh, fank oo very much, luffly sharing" and my heart melts.

If someone told me I'd say that a year ago, I'd have laughed in their face.

They are hard, so very hard, at that age. And I know you don't believe it now, because right now, it is absolutely a nightmare, but you are in for the best journey.

If you are in East Anglia, PM me. I will happily pop round and help. Twin mums just get it, and it's a fiercely supportive club to be in, other's bent over backwards to help me. It's like this instinct of "I know exactly what you're going through, you don't need to tell me what you need, just let me help" and the comfort of knowing there's no judgement.

I had 13mo twins and a newborn. Useless DH, he had the car, working away. I cracked on with it. Double buggy with newborn and smallest twin, bigger twin in a buggy board. 1 mile up a steep hill to shops or bus anywhere else. We all survived

Sounds very grim and I can only sympathise. I wouldn't want to have three children and, if I did have to have them, I wouldn't want them close together. Would have been totally fucked if no 2 turned out to be twins.

I was waiting outside the school today and listening to a mum of children with your age gap (but older, obvs, because at school) talking to a mother of five: 11, 9 and triplets of 7. Two of the triplets have health problems and one is partially sighted. I could see the mother of twins having a how-the-fuck moment and sort of turning back in relief to her own life. So that's all I can think. Make friends with a mum of triplets. Even the pram is an unbelievable nightmare. The triplets mother lives at the other end of the school catchment area from us but I used to see her sometimes on the bus when my first child was a baby (obviously we couldn't get on) and have always felt it looked like a living hell.

@hopsalong aren't you a supportive joy?? Multiple parents don't just decide 'oh, I'll have twins! Actually, make it triplets!'

All this "unless you have twins....." yes of course anyone who doesn't have multiples won't understand, but it's totally shot of you saying you hate your kids.

I don't understand why people are all "aww poor you". You said you hate your children. This place is fucking weird sometimes.

I did find that the early days were run military precision style. We kept the buggy frame up in the hall (bit of a squeeze!) with a days worth of nappies/wipes and bottles / formula pots ready to in the bag. I used to get out with them every day, unless it was really raining hard. Never did established nap times - they snoozed in the buggy whenever. Worked fine for us and saved what was left of my sanity. However we didn't have a third or more to contend with which would have certainly made it more difficult

I hear ya. I've got 6.5yo twins. The first three years were a total blur. There is no amount of money in the world that would make me go back to the age of 12 months to 3 years. It was a fucking gruelling nightmare. I didn't plan for twins. It's not like having two close in age. You get some say over that. Not like going to a scan excited to see a baby and you get told there is two. Nothing to be done about that and it's 100% ok to feel hard done by. I never felt like i could give either of them 100% of my attention which makes you feel a failure. Of course i love them but i don't think anyone would choose to have twins if they knew what it entailed.

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. They didn't pay the slightest bit of attention to each other until they were about 3 - before that it was just juggling two completely different babies at the same time, usually running in different directions. I don't know how many breakdowns i had. Baby groups were out - i struggled along to a twin group with my 6 month old twins where the helpers were supposed to help with the children so the mums could have a cup of tea and chat. One of the volunteers took one of mine then gave her back 5 minutes later because she was too wriggly. I didn't go back. Other baby groups you get to watch other mums giving their baby 100% attention while you have to work out which one of yours you're going to play with first, make sure each gets exactly 50% of your attention otherwise people might think you've got a favourite. Baby massage? Forget it. Whose going to do the second baby?

For about 3 months every time i left the house, one or both would do a poo. Literally as i had the front door open, they'd do it so id have to strip off everything, get them changed, dressed again for the second time then do the other one. I would be usually crying in frustration and then just not go out. Going out was hard but staying in was fucking hard too.

Twin mums aren't superwomen. We just have to get on with it regardless of our own mental health because there is no alternative.

But now they're 6 they do play together nicely 80% of the time and there are benefits to having twins - as someone else said, as soon as they're able to do something like sit in a chair, get rid of the highchairs and as soon as they're old enough to do something themselves, like getting dressed, make them do it. You're right in the thick of it now but it will get easier.

Also identify your local parks that have a secure fence around the play area so you can let them have freedom without worrying they're going to completely disappear.

I had twins, when DC was 6.

ITA with so many pp - the first 18 months were a blur. My GP, who had twins, told me I’d have backache until they were two, and he was right - what with lifting two in and out the cot/buggy/car seats; and carrying them up and down the stairs.

DH looked after one in the evenings and weekends, while I looked after the other. We found the best way to cope was get them in a routine; and be very organised! Luckily I joined a large, active twins club and it was great! (Whenever I asked the HV for advice, she’d say “What does your twins club say?”)

Unfortunately, mine took notice of each other from the start! By the age of three, neither of them had ever actually played with a toy, because when one picked up a toy, the other snatched it off her and a fight ensued! I sent them to nursery for three afternoon sessions at three - both for one, so I got break; then two on their own; so I could spend some time 1:1 with each of them.

By age 7, life was much easier, and they were best of friends. They had their own beds; but slept together until they were 10.

NRTFT; but have you talked OP to your GP about possible post natal depression? It wouldn’t be at all surprising, due to sheer exhaustion!

She doesn't mean it, she's just venting online. Besides it's not like the kids are going to read this thread..!

@Lilgamesh2 op has said she does mean it though. The op may very well need support
Jesus my children drive me potty and yes those early days I hated my life but never hated them, never thought it and never voiced it.
Perhaps if op could get help/support she wouldn't feel this way and people saying it's normal when it isn't, isn't helpful in my opinion.
Now you can all jump on me if you want

@MMMandaBRB Hi OP, haven't read all the posts as at work but just wanted to say, it does get easier. DD1 is now nearly 8 and DTs will be 5 in February. You'll get there.

Practical stuff:
Yes do get out every day. It's really important to get fresh air and out. Stuff them in the buggy, wrapped up warm, and walk/ go to the playground like you mentioned/ local free museum. Just do it. I remember feeling so much saner after my daily coffee at a coffee shop.

Can you do a 'nap walk'? My twins would nap in buggy so I'd do breakfast/ nursery run - 'nap walk' terminating in a coffee shop where I got c. 10-15 mins with a coffee before they woke up.

Find a playground with a fully fenced in area that they can't get out of. Then you can plonk them both down to explore. If it's cold, try a fleece-lined suit for them - if affordable, JojoMaman do some good ones.

Get the older one being more independent. DD1 got a star chart and gets stars every day for independent tasks. At nearly 8, she will now get herself up independently, make her own bed, brush her own hair, get dressed, switch on the oven and warm herself a croissant, while I am wrestling reception-age twins into uniform. It was TOUGH building these habits but now they're in place, so much easier.

And yy to nursery if remotely affordable. Even half a day. Go do some yoga or sit in a corner and rock back and forth. Just be by yourself. You need it!

Oh put a fucking sock in it, you’ve made your point.

@Chuntypops can you not be so aggressive please! People have different opinions! Shock eh!!
If a mum came on and said she hated her singleton baby people would suggest she may need help but because she's a twin mum it's a different story! Do you know that op isn't suffering from post natal depression? Do you know if she may need help? If not please refrain from talking to me like a piece of shite! Thank you.

You have gone on and on. And on. And even said “jump on me.” Give over.

Because I knew people like you would! If my advice can perhaps help the op than I'll go on some more! How is it normal to hate one's own children. I'm not saying op is a terrible person but perhaps if she could get help then it would be a different story for her and her children.

I really don't think people are being helpful by saying what op is feeling is normal.
If people are saying it's all normal then op may not seek the help they may need.