I work until 2 a.m. five nights a week. Husband woke me up at 5:30 this morning so he could go for a run before work.

[MonicaFaloolaGeller]

Not by accident while he was getting dressed or anything. 11mo DS was still awake after his bottle and DH “had to go” so he woke me up to sit with him and get him back to sleep.

I wasn’t working last night, but on the two nights I’m not working I really struggle to get to sleep early, so I was awake til after 1.

If he’d foregone the run, or even just made it a bit shorter and got DS back down before leaving, I could have had two more hours of sleep.

AIBU to be absolutely fucking raging?

But if you work 5 days surely the only mornings he can run are the 2 your off. You really need to try sleep earlier when your off work.

No, he needs to fit in around her regular sleeping patterns, which are work-related, so she can work, look after the baby safely, and not become ill from chronic sleep deprivation. If that means he has to run at another time of day, so be it. Shorter distances and on a treadmill if necessary.

If he wants to train for a marathon that's fine

Well actually no that is not his absolute right (or yours PP) when he has chosen to have a family and responsibilities to it. Unless marathon running is his job. Exercise - yes. A very specific form of it that doesn't sufficiently fit in with other responsibilities - no. My own father put off an expensive and time consuming hobby he wanted to do for at least a decade for this very reason (family responsibilities), and as I get older I admire him for it even more.

@Whatsleftnow "This isn’t an appropriate stage of life for him to run marathons. He’s a dad now and he has responsibilities to his wife and child. If he can afford to pay for the childcare to cover his training times, that would be another matter but he can’t. This is a family that can’t afford sociable working hours. He needs to cut his cloth, and pick a hobby that fits his actual lifestyle."

^^This. Looks like this is his regular plan if training for a marathon. The effects of sleep deprivation are well documented and last for years. Running is a hobby and should be made to fit around the family.

How do you know I don’t do shift work?

Well I’m not one of those people who can sleep anywhere at any time. My body is used to being awake until half 2 in the morning and I can’t just switch that off, as convenient as it would be for DH. Even if I’d gone to bed at 8pm last night, I wouldn’t have fallen asleep any earlier.

OP I suspect he thinks that as you werent working late last night you can get up early and its your fault you went to bed late.

That’s exactly what he thinks.

Next Thursday night, I would be in a hotel. I’d message him when I left for work to say this and why. He used to take mornings off work to run (& is going to do so again as training ramps up?) , well he will just have to take time off work to look after his child and consider the cost very very cheap against you deciding your work patterns only work if he has your back so you will have to quit and you are all poor now.

What relevance does your working life have to OP's predicament?

Op
Do you really work 5x a week until 2am every week?

if so - how do you manage during the day with your children?!

If you switched now, you say all your salary would go on childcare--why is it just "your" salary? Wouldn't the two of you see it as a joint investment in keeping your career going and ensuring that you work sociable hours?

I took the job because as a family we need more money now. If all my earnings or the equivalent from our joint earnings went on childcare we’d be no better off than if I was an unemployed SAHM.

Yes, this.
Shouting wont work (you're 'overreacting / mental')
Explaining calmly wont' work (you're 'nagging')
Just do it to him. Every time. Every incident.
If that gets a bad response / doesn't work then work out costs benefits to LTB.
I'm divorcing as he'd not change & it took too much energy to deal with his laziness / my anger. (he's just left us with no heat / hot water to go on holiday!)

Is this the first time he has ever done this?

Quite. Should be blatantly obvious to anyone that such a regime would be horrific and risk mental and physical health ... yet repeatedly, every week, we see many, many comments on Mumsnet threads demanding that parents do this rather than - shock, horror! - allow one parent to be a SAHP or both to work part time. It's bewildering.

Well, in my work we call it the night shift, and the team who does it is the night team. Late shift finishes at 10, evening shift ends at 8.

I also have a 3 year old who no longer naps.

I drink gallons of tea and cry a lot.

💐 it sounds bloody hard op, he has no appreciation for the toll it's taking on you. But as long as he gets to do his hobby all is well 🙄

So literally no one in the family is happy.

op, ie this the first time this has ever happened???

OP's husband could have done that, then, couldn't he?

I was insanely sleep-deprived when mine were small and got into a vicious tea cycle! It really helped my sleep when a sleep coach told me to cut down to two cups a day and never after 2pm (though with your work shifts it might be a different cut off time).

It is, but I suspect it won’t be the last, the Friday morning runs are a weekly fixture from now until the marathon. When they get too long to do before work he’ll take Friday mornings off as holiday. So if DS happens to be awake at 5:30 I’ll just have to get up and deal with it. Or at least that seem’s to be DH’s plan.

I think you and your DH need to look for another solution together, OP.

This arrangement sounds shit for everyone tbh.

Won't your older child get free hours now?

Jesus that is so so bad OP. If it's going to be a weekly thing I would be inventing a reason you have to stay somewhere overnight every Thursday.
Honestly you need to nip this in the bud pronto.

Do you really work 5x a week until 2am every week?

I really do. Mon, Tue, Wed, Fri, alternate weekend nights.

This sounds so exhausting, OP. Of course life with a baby and 3 y.o. is always exhausting, but the hours you work make it even worse :-(

The two of you need a conversation and an agreement that either you stop working nights (and either pay for childcare as a long-term investment in keeping your career going, or you become a SAHM temporarily) or he understands that your work schedule (which financially benefits the family) should be respected and that other compromises need to be made (e.g. him compromising on how he carries out his fitness hobby for the time being). I can definitely understand that you can't just make yourself fall asleep at 10 when you are normally up til 2:30 or 3, so you will have to keep repeating that til he understands it.

Way to cherry pick there. I know it's not my right which is why, as I said, I discussed it with my partner and we agreed a way we could make it work for 6 months. If he had been unwilling or unable to do what my training schedule requires then I wouldn't have entered it.
The training isn't the problem as much as the lack of consideration, the using up of his leave and the assumption that OP is willing or able to take on the childcare in his absence. A marathon is a massive undertaking and why anyone thinks they can commit to what it entails without discussing it with their partner is beyond me