I work until 2 a.m. five nights a week. Husband woke me up at 5:30 this morning so he could go for a run before work.

[MonicaFaloolaGeller]

Not by accident while he was getting dressed or anything. 11mo DS was still awake after his bottle and DH “had to go” so he woke me up to sit with him and get him back to sleep.

I wasn’t working last night, but on the two nights I’m not working I really struggle to get to sleep early, so I was awake til after 1.

If he’d foregone the run, or even just made it a bit shorter and got DS back down before leaving, I could have had two more hours of sleep.

AIBU to be absolutely fucking raging?

He sounds like an utter prick. He’s a father now, his priorities need to change. So many stories of men putting their hobbies above their families and women just left to suck it up. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method because it works, he needs to understand just how shit he is being.

Wouldn’t worry me. I’m up at 5.30 to get to work on a long day (12 hours) and can work 6/7 nights straight. And my sleep is constantly being interrupted during the day. Never thought of leaving my husband 😆

Finally you 'get it'. Took long enough. Maybe next time you can read what other posters are saying rather than just bullishly continuing to repeat the same nonsense.

Shift work is brutal, this must be hard on your both.

It sounds like you need a really honest conversation about your needs as individuals and as a family.

You're working these unsociable hours presumably because the two of you agreed that financially it's the right choice. If that's so, then he needs to support your different sleep schedule.

Running is presumably important to him for his physical and mental health (the way sleep is for you!). That's fine, but he needs to work it in around the demands of your schedule if the two of you have made this agreement for financial reasons.

What's your long-term plan with the shift work? Do you plan to drop it when the baby is school age, or free 15 hours a week childcare age? If you switched now, you say all your salary would go on childcare--why is it just "your" salary? Wouldn't the two of you see it as a joint investment in keeping your career going and ensuring that you work sociable hours?

It's a complicated issue but hopefully you have the same basic goals of taking care of yourselves plus providing for your family, you just need a good conversation on how that's actually going to play out.

As an insomniac I think you are mad to do so 😁

@Pythonese so if DH woke you at 3am to look after the baby while he did his hobby, you'd be fine with that??

Why didn’t your self ish DH go for his run last night when you weren’t working? But no-because that impedes his time not yours. He’s an arsehole.

@Naunet no I’m not stupid, I’m suggesting she goes to bed a bit earlier when she doesn’t have to stay up late. What happens with her son when her husband goes to work? Is she still raging then? Sorry I’m one of those annoying people who can sleep anywhere at any time so can’t understand why someone would chose to stay up past midnight when they have a one year old. Then complain that they have to look after their one year old.

Honestly, it sounds like a hard life. No one should have to work until 2am when they have young children. This is all about unaffordable childcare and you and a million other young families are paying for it in stress.

Expecting you to be up 5.30am-2.30am to facilitate his run isn't on.
He has to accept that parenting often involves not being able to do what you want when you want.
Sleep has to be the priority.
I assume you aren't doing shift work for a lark but because it's a much needed job.
Running at 5.30am is equally anti social hours and unlike your shifts its his personal choice to exercise at this time.
Definitely open discussion needed.
Does he realise you can't just go to sleep 4 hours earlier when you aren't on a shift?

This makes me mad! With a baby,and the hours you work,you really need your sleep! As an insomniac light sleeper getting up at 4 am for work,I could cheerfully throttle anyone who disturbs any sleep I manage to achieve. My late husband used to put the light on and make notes in the middle of the night and wake me up. He himself slept through any screaming children...

2am end is late shift, not night shift. They still have different effect on people's bodies and clock.
Just fyi

11 month old… you do 5 night shifts a week finishing at 2am? How on earth do you fare during the day?

I think you're having a bit of a logic fail. If OP LTB (not what I'm suggesting btw) she wouldn't need to work night to facilitate him working days and thus 2 incomes, no childcare. She could work days, which is better for her health & mental health

I don't understand @SkylightSkylight - if OP LTB (I hope she gets resolution & doesn't need to even consider it!) - how could she work days?
She's said a day job wouldn't cover her childcare costs.
Living on her own would make working even more unaffordable for her, as effectively she & her H would be supporting the extra costs of individual households. What am I missing here?

Just how detached from real life do you have to be to see working until 2 am as an actual choice?! For many, it's a necessity and if you don't know that then you need to think more.

I'm the horribly selfish runner in this scenario. My partner works till 11pm. I work 8-5. I'm training for a marathon at the moment so I'm up at 5 3 days a week to run before work. Thankfully our 19 month old and 6 month old are good sleepers so usually I'm back before they wake up but if they wake up early he has to sort them out. We did discuss this before I entered the marathon though and he agreed he was happy to do it. My long runs are Sunday mornings so he gets the Saturday lay in. I choose to sacrifice mine for a run.
If he wants to train for a marathon that's fine but to not discuss it with you and agree how to minimise the impact on you is pretty shitty in my opinion.

No @Dailymash - you are one of those annoying people who have failed to read OP's updates, where more than once, she has explained why she CANNOT get herself to sleep before 1pm on her nights off.

What part of that not being a CHOICE are you still struggling with?

Still, I'm sure OP is immensely buoyed by your own ability to sleep whenever you want to. Perhaps you should take up shift work, what with your remarkable ability to control your body clock.

Perhaps you could read my responses....

It's not a choice it's her body clock. She could go to bed at 10pm but it would be a total waste of time if her body wont go to sleep. You are unbelievably lucky to be able to sleep any time you want but trust me for most of us sleep is a struggle at the best of times (I am a terrible insomniac so slightly triggered by your post 😂)

He doesn’t “do childcare 5 nights” - they’re generally both down by 8pm and then he gets time to himself. He works til 8:30-5 and gets a nice peaceful commute (more time to himself) on the train.

Essentially you spend all day running around after the kids and then have to go.to work until 5am so you have completely overhauled your life to accommodate the childcare yet he gets a nice cushy 9-5 and makes absolutely no sacrifices whatsoever

Sorry 2am (I am also sleep deprived)

I would be secretly absolutely fuming but I think it’s very important for people to fit in exercise.

And you only lost a couple of hours sleep which is pretty good going with an 11 month old.

If this was a regular occurrence then I’d say it was completely wrong but as a one off then I’d just forget about it and move on.

I don’t think either of you are BU.
It’s just one of the joys of having children that sleep if often disturbed.

If a Friday morning was agreed, why would the OP be posting here about it?

The OP has already said she doesn't choose to stay up late - her body doesn't let her get to sleep earlier as she is awake till 2.30am the majority of the week.

The OP hasn't said she leaves the house for two evenings when she isn't at work, so I don't see how that point is relevant at all.

It doesn't matter whether it's a work day or a day off (when OP will be looking after their child, not sitting on her backside) - three hours sleep is not enough to function on and her husband chose going for a run over letting his wife have adequate rest.

Running marathons is a hobby. Hobbies are what you do in your spare time. Most parents of very young children do not have much spare time and may need to put hobbies on hold until their children are a bit older. And yes, a certain amount of exercise is desirable, but there are other ways of getting it, e.g walking to work.