I work until 2 a.m. five nights a week. Husband woke me up at 5:30 this morning so he could go for a run before work.

[MonicaFaloolaGeller]

Not by accident while he was getting dressed or anything. 11mo DS was still awake after his bottle and DH “had to go” so he woke me up to sit with him and get him back to sleep.

I wasn’t working last night, but on the two nights I’m not working I really struggle to get to sleep early, so I was awake til after 1.

If he’d foregone the run, or even just made it a bit shorter and got DS back down before leaving, I could have had two more hours of sleep.

AIBU to be absolutely fucking raging?

The op didn't choose to stay up late 🙄 what is it with people not reading the op and subsequent posts.. Op couldn't sleep because she had just come off 2am shifts!

Are you seriously this stupid? Why do you think jet-lag is a thing if people can just change their sleep patterns on a whim?

@babyyodaxmas

what they AGREE between them is fine, dumping the baby on her without prior agreement when she's sleeping is not.

once you have children, you don't get to do what you want, when you want, without discussion!

What a selfish, self-centred prick. My blood would boil.

Sorry this comment was in reply to @babyyodaxmas saying it was only one sleep. He doesnt get priority, he can miss one run (she cannot miss one sleep).
You cant suggest exercise is as important as sleep, if you were told you had to choose between no sleep or no exercise for 10 days which would it be? Its obviously a no brainer because going for a run simply isnt as important to our health an well being as sleep. If you need any more convincing Google Randy Gardner and the effects of sleep deprivation.

I can see both sides. You're probably absolutely desperate for sleep due to your sleep pattern, including the days you aren't working. And I get that you can't just magic yourself to sleep at a different time on your days/nights off. I can see why you are livid.

I also get his side, because I imagine he's probably being fixed in his mindset / not thinking properly about the bigger picture, and thinks that his marathon training is an agreed-upon priority. As in, his training plan is fixed in his head, and if you weren't working that day, he figured you could just go back to sleep afterwards.

I think you just need to have a sit down and talk about your schedules. Tell him what you need and expect on your nights/days off, and come to an agreement about what happens with child care on those days.

If his training plan happens to fall on your days off, but you want to sleep in on those days, something will have to give. Either you need to be willing to take over then try to go back to sleep, or he needs to be willing to not go for his run until DS is back asleep. But I think it needs to just be talked about and agreed upon.

I think you need to look at your schedules and figure out which hours of the day are you both at home and awake and not working, and then work out a fair devision of family time and then individual alone time from that. Then each of you can do what you like during that time, as I am sure you have a need to have some alone time too, even if you are not interested in running a marathon. If the time together is very limited, maybe just a couple of hours a week each will have to do for now and then increase that as children gets older and are more reliable sleepers.

Some of the people replying to this thread have clearly never worked a night shift or even vaguely unsociable hours.

Studies have repeatedly shown that late and night shifts are really, really bad for your health. OP is making a massive sacrifice to be able to work around her partner's job, presumably as a joint decision for the good of the family finances. It sounds like she also does all childcare while her partner is at work even after a late shift. So yes, he is doing childcare when she's at work, but so far they are equal. But then it sounds like OP is regularly getting just four or five hours sleep a day (correct me if I'm wrong, OP). And he took one of those precious hours because he was going for a run?

It's not even like it sounds like he's usually deprived of running, but that the DS is usually sleeping so he can go for a run. But in this case he clearly should not have gone!

YANBU.

If OP LTB she wont be able to do her job that finishes at 2am (or it will be very difficult because finding childcare to accommodate will be difficult). So OP is somewhat over a barrel and casual comments to LTB are easy to say but logistically difficult to follow through on without lots of repercussions (like having to become an unemployed SAHM if she does this.

OP I suspect he thinks that as you werent working late last night you can get up early and its your fault you went to bed late. He should have discussedit with you though instead of ‘punishing’ you like he did without any understanding of your situation.

You need to have a chat and explain you can’t shift your body clock by several hours just as you said here. He needs to be on board with your working hours. You both need to have a talk about your lifestyles and working hours and how to make it work or consider what changes you can both make to improve the situation.

This is exactly what we do. OP's job should not be seen as an inconvenience for her partner! Who the hell choses to work until 2:00am with a small child? It's obviously not optional, her dp can't stick to his preferred running schedule and he needs to suck it up. Also working nights has a kind of cumulative effect, I usually hit a wall on a Saturday and have to sleep extra to catch up or I feel like death. Just because it was her "night off" doesnt mean she is feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed.

This made me laugh! (As for the very helpful comment about minimal night waking — well, words fail me…)

Why is this the go to response on here ?

You sound special

This is your opinion and that's fine. Personally I regularly sacrifice time in bed to go for a run, no not every day but when I have commitments in the morning at the weekend I will get up at 6 so I can run first. I will just go to bed earlier that night (after the early start). Are you working tonight OP ?

Is he training for marathons in the sense of being in a club or representing someone? Or just for himself?
His work must be very understanding of his hobby so he's probably used to the "oh, wow, you run marathons, good man yourself!" pats on his shoulder and expects you to be equally in awe. He probably forgot that having a child means that both parents make adjustments to their lifestyle. He's spoilt but that doesn't mean you should pander to him.

Yes, I am working tonight. If he had waited til DS was asleep and got him down he’d have been able to leave at about 6:20 and I’d have slept til the DC woke up at about half 7.

This: ‘If he wants to go for a run, he needs to sacrifice his sleep, not yours.’ Couldn’t agree more!

I don't run marathons (I'm too slow so the training runs will take too long) but very much find that if I don't run I won't get any decent sleep.

Given that he's got an early train to work to run there - that's a sensible idea as the commute is much nicer and more reliable away from peak hours.

I'd agree that training for a marathon isn't a brilliant plan with young kids but it's common to need a goal - maybe suggest that he works on his 5k or 10k times for a while after this race so he's still got a goal - which some people do need for motivation.

YANBU. You have made changes in your life to benefit your family financially. Inevitably your body clock has regulated to your schedule and it cannot be switched off.

DH should be expected to do the same. I would tell him you can't take over childcare at that time and he needs to find another time to schedule his run that works for both of you. Like in the evenings of your days off or during his lunch time.

@Dailymash

mist of us can't just shift our body clocks when we work night shifts, to sleep earlier (when we're usually at work) on our nights off.

she's WORKING night shifts for childcare reasons, not for fun!

well if he's 'planned' something, he needs to discuss it with his wife, whom it will impact, not just make plans that suit him with no consideration for his wife.

FFS it's not that difficult not to be a selfish wanker.

Thanks for getting back, then I agree that isn't fair, so you are effectively up from 5:30-2am ? He shouldn't expect you to do that.

This is your opinion and that's fine. Personally I regularly sacrifice time in bed to go for a run, no not every day but when I have commitments in the morning at the weekend I will get up at 6 so I can run first. I will just go to bed earlier that night (after the early start).

Bully for you @babyyodaxmas - sacrificing your own time in bed so that you can run.

It's not exactly the same as sacrificing your partner's time in bed so that you can go for a run though, is it?

Completely unacceptable. It sounds as though you are bending over backwards to make it work for your family but you DH is just doing what he likes.

Personally I would be discussing this with him and telling him it's unacceptable. If he dies it again I would be moving my hours and splitting the childcare according to earnings. You won't have childcare forever.

I'm the runner in our household and they always came second to family needs. I started running because that's what could be fitted in late at night after the cluster feeds. HM has always been my limit until the DCs are older because 2hrs was the maximum training time that could be justified. I took baby out in the pram on my Sunday morning long runs if he woke too early in the early years.

I generally run in school time with little impact on family, but in the school holidays, summer in particular, I consult with DH about early starts, and prepare so it's minimal disruption (children are long past the broken nights, close supervision stage and now at the can be left for shorter runs phase)

He's been incredibly selfish. Running the evening before would have been the best compromise. Sleep is essential and a few hours is not enough and potentially dangerous for supervising children/ going to work.

It also tends to be less disruptive to have someone coming into bed late when your body is in deeper sleep than being disturbed in the morning when it's very difficult to settle off again.

The title of thread implies you got in from work at 2am and then he woke you up at 5.30am, which would be massively selfish.

However i assume that he doesn't do this on the 5days you do get home at 2am, so maybe he saw this as his one opportunity to go out for run before work (which he normally cant do). I take it he cant got for a run after work, as he is looking after children whilst you go to work ?

@MGMidget (fab cars!!)

I think you're having a bit of a logic fail. If OP LTB (not what I'm suggesting btw) she wouldn't need to work night to facilitate him working days and thus 2 incomes, no childcare. She could work days, which is better for her health & mental health.

she's working nights to bring in family money, not for fun.