I work until 2 a.m. five nights a week. Husband woke me up at 5:30 this morning so he could go for a run before work.

[MonicaFaloolaGeller]

Not by accident while he was getting dressed or anything. 11mo DS was still awake after his bottle and DH “had to go” so he woke me up to sit with him and get him back to sleep.

I wasn’t working last night, but on the two nights I’m not working I really struggle to get to sleep early, so I was awake til after 1.

If he’d foregone the run, or even just made it a bit shorter and got DS back down before leaving, I could have had two more hours of sleep.

AIBU to be absolutely fucking raging?

Maybe send a message like this.
"DH I took the night hours job as it was the only way I could contribute financially to our family,without childcare costs making it infeasible for me to work.

I love you and want you to be happy and meet your goals, but I simply cannot survive without sleep. My body clock adjusts because of the shifts and means I cannot get to sleep any earlier on my non working nights than I do already.

If your running schedule means I cannot get the sleep I need, I don't know what the answer to this is, other than I give up the job and we can't pay our bills.

I'd like to find a way through this that doesn't involve us shouting at each other. Lets talk later."

He's a selfish a**hole, and the message is way nicer than he deserves, but maybe he needs to cool down and reflect on his priorities.

What you say in a row isn't really something to take to heart.

I'd say that your working hours are unsustainable for you as a family.

I'd also say that "downtime" aka childcare with kids in bed is actually quite frustrating as you have "time" but you can't actually use it in a way you want to. Spending time in a house where people (especially children) are sleeping when you want to exercise is frustrating because almost no exercise is quiet enough (treadmills, HIIT, rowing)

Both of you need to have a long hard look at how life can work differently because the current arrangement just isn't working for anyone.

I'm also going to assume that you have limited opportunities for date nights because childcare, which is tough for actually being a couple rather than feeling like housemates with joint responsibilities...

@randomsabreuse the DH can easily run outside in the evening, he simply chooses not to.

Actually sorry that's probably not true unless OP is home too - but I think she did say he could fit his runs in at a later time.

Oh no. Is he one of these people who think that even though you have small children, your life doesn't revolve around them, and he can carry on with his ridiculous hobby same as when he was childless? No one pays him to do these marathons. Sometimes you have to suck it up until children are older. Same as you had to suck it up and took the job with totally unsociable hours. OP, be firm with him, because he doesn't get your point of view at all.

And if he wants to pursue his hobby when he wants to, tell him to get better paid job, so you can switch to normal hours and you guys can cover childcare. See how big his balls are going to be then.

Dear god I'm fuming on your behalf. Don't accept it OP. Please stand up for yourself

@xogossipgirlxo

Part of the conversation that needs to happen is the money options, can DH get a better paid job or has he topped out in his field? Or is it just comfortable. I'm assuming he's in some kind of office based field from the option of taking leave to run...

Parenting is tough, it's tough on relationships to never really have a chance to just be and always tag teaming to work and look after the children.

Some kind of falling out is inevitable with lack of awake time contact between the adults plus tiredness and frustration.

Both of you are making sacrifices, are they worth it for you both, should things change. I don't think that 5 late night shifts a week is remotely sustainable along with caring for children on a long term basis, at least not until school age/30 hours kick in - you're effectively doing 2 jobs. Most of the people I know who do nights work 3 long shifts and still have paid childcare so that they can sleep!

Your husband seems to believe that he is a single man. I'd be making that happen.

Until then, another poster's (reworded slightly) comment would be printed out and stuck to the fridge door at eye level.
"If you want to go for a run, you need to sacrifice your sleep and not your wife's."

This "man" is pathetic. He is selfish, self centered and whining.

If this is new, then set him straight. If it's not new, then consider whether you can put up with it ever again.

So reading this: it's one of those entitled male attitudes. He's doing YOU a favour by not doing his runs at the times he wants. You see, as a woman, taking care of the kids is obviously your job. My husband had an attitude like this, and I have considered leaving many times when kids were babies/toddlers. We had some rows and he is still a dick sometimes about these kind of things but by and large he has improved immensely. Just stand up for yourself. There were times I didn't (he did similar things to me) and I wish I had.

So basically, he gets up in the morning after a full nights sleep and is only alone with the children when they are also already asleep. You get five hours sleep, get up, deal with the children, are there until they go down to sleep, go out and do a shift, rinse and repeat. And according to some people YOU are the one that has to do yet more adjusting.

Fuck. That.

OP please put yourself first here. Tell him that it isn't going to work and you're going to work normal hours so you need to discuss family finances. If he says he won't pay/listen then honestly seriously consider having some time away from him. He sounds so selfish.

What a tosser he sounds

If the baby was fed and happy but still awake why do you have to sit with him

It says in the OP: to get the baby back to sleep.

You are married so presumably share finances but her says you must reimburse him for train tickets! So do you actually share finances or are you working shifts in order to save on the childcare costs because it would otherwise be you having to pay this entirely from your income (and he wouldnt contribute)?