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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All children stay or none at all

181 replies

wowmummy · 18/11/2022 06:55

My mum seems to have this joke that she will have my DS (5) to stay over at her house but not my twin DDs (3)

It is said in a joke way but it's meant if you know what I mean?

Aibu to say they all go and stay over or none at all? I don't want the girls to feel they are being left behind and unwanted 😔

OP posts:
Newmum0322 · 18/11/2022 07:17

All three would be difficult to give her any quality time with any of them… that surely what it’s about? When they’re older ask her to rotate one at a time so the twins don’t feel left out, but YABU to expect her to take all three.

Vallmo47 · 18/11/2022 07:18

YABU. What she’s probably saying is she cannot cope with 3 young children at the same time which is absolutely fair enough. Just say she’s more than welcome to take turns and have 1 at a time but obviously they’d all love quality nanny time. See what she says to that. As someone who has had no help from family for the past 15 years (my family is abroad but I still think of my kids as my choice and responsibility), it’s not right to just expect others to take on your kids, especially not all at once.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/11/2022 07:18

YABU. Although siblings, they are still individuals. Collectively they are probably harder for her to handle, individually she can spend quality time with them.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 18/11/2022 07:20

Yabu to think there’s no difference between one 5yo alone and a 5yo and 3yo twins.

Are the twins hard work? Why are you so sensitive about this?

MIL regularly has my 7yo to stay but not my 2yo overnight unless she’s babysitting

2greenroses · 18/11/2022 07:22

minisoksmakehardwork · 18/11/2022 07:15

To add, my parents were clear they were not going to help out with 'childcare' for us when we found out we were having twins after our first two. But my parents in law offered to have one twin overnight in turn, once a week, as they had done with our older two before they started school.

This is lovely. Twins so often get sent here there and everywhere as a package, but they need individual input too

2greenroses · 18/11/2022 07:25

Op - YABU. The best thing about grandparents is they are in a position to give individual attention. And removing one child from your household gives you the chance to give more personalised attention to the ones who are still at home.

Absolutely she should not be taking all three. No one benefits. She gets run ragged, the children get treated as a clump, not as individuals, and you miss out on time which can be dedicated to just 3 year old level activities

RFPO77 · 18/11/2022 07:25

Twins, especially at 3 are hard work as you know so that's why she said it. Let all 3 kids go in different nights so she only has one at a time and they all get one on one time, which is good for twins anyway as they don't have to do everything together and it does them good to have some time away.

Original poster
wowmummy · 18/11/2022 07:26

She had DS at 5 months old but she has had all 3 of them from when the girls were maybe 18 months but has now wanted to stop

BUT I love the idea of rotation, it's Xs turn this time is such a good idea

OP posts:
FaazoHuyzeoSix · 18/11/2022 07:28

I grew up as one of 3 kids similarly close in age. We never went to a grandparents as all 3 together without our parents. We would each take turns to go alone (once old enough) and had a brilliant time having 1:1 attention. Godparents also good for this. YABU to expect anyone who isn't their own parents to take them as all 3 at once unless they actively choose to.

Original poster
wowmummy · 18/11/2022 07:28

Thankyou teen divided I didn't know how to add that

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 18/11/2022 07:29

Individual children all havi g a turn at a sleepover seems like a lovely idea, esp for the twins.

minisoksmakehardwork · 18/11/2022 07:29

@2greenroses - it really was. We've always been conscious that our twins have their twin identity because they are fraternal boy/girl twins. So unless you know they are twins, it's not obvious.

But we also know they need their individual identities too. So my in laws having them 1:1 was brilliant. Our twins are now 10 and have a fantastic bond with their grandparents. It also meant we got 1:1 time with them each as well as I was a sahm at the time. So double benefit.

Original poster
wowmummy · 18/11/2022 07:32

I don't personally find my children more difficult than any other children I've looked after (in childcare)

But the idea of taking it in turns is great, never thought of it and going to suggest it

DS is deffo the favourite without a doubt. She wants to go to his Christmas performance but no interest in the girls nativity.

OP posts:
Yogagrandmum · 18/11/2022 07:32

I think it’s perfectly reasonable. My Mil would take one child on holiday at a time. No one felt left out..

Mariposista · 18/11/2022 07:33

Totally unreasonable. How lovely for the older child to have special time with granny.

Changingplace · 18/11/2022 07:35

wowmummy · 18/11/2022 07:26

She had DS at 5 months old but she has had all 3 of them from when the girls were maybe 18 months but has now wanted to stop

BUT I love the idea of rotation, it's Xs turn this time is such a good idea

That’s perfectly reasonable, she’s tried having all three and has realised it’s too much for her.

Theres no reason she must have all three at all.

Original poster
wowmummy · 18/11/2022 07:37

Thankyou, rotation visits it is to be fair!

OP posts:
theremustonlybeone · 18/11/2022 07:37

There is nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time alone with the 5yr old. The 5yr old will have had to adjust to two siblings when she was only 2 and they would have been everyone’s priority at the time. Why isn’t she allowed to have alone time with her granny? I have no doubt it will change as your twins get older but let your older child get a little time out

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 18/11/2022 07:37

As a mum of grown twins and two singletons I’d say that’s fine. A big thing I regret is not being able to spend time one on one with them. And that goes for grannies, aunties and friends. And at three they were pretty full on. When they get older she may suggest having 1 to 1 with a twin.

FlipFlop0 · 18/11/2022 07:39

Probably better to communicate and find out the reasons why she's saying it. 3 little ones might be far too much for her. The twins might be a handful? You've got to respect that there will be a reason why it's been said. Then it's your choice whether you hold your other child back from going alone.

Brefugee · 18/11/2022 07:40

YABU. Way to go, OP.

PortalooSunset · 18/11/2022 07:44

YABU. If you want the night off from all your children, pay a night nanny.

JustDanceAddict · 18/11/2022 07:44

My DCs always took turns - it was nice to have the one to one time with the other. PILs did stay at ours a couple of times if we went away for a weekend but rarely had th both to sleep at theirs (space not an issue).

Slig · 18/11/2022 07:47

Some of my favourite memories are 1:1 time with my nana.

Just me and her, and being outrageously spoilt!

I'm sure she must have had 1:1 time with my other siblings too, as they have great memories of her as well.

I'm in my late 50's and not a gran yet, but no way would I be having all 3 kids over at mine! I've done all that shit, I just want the fun bits of having grandkids. Having 1:1 quality time with each of them.

Although would go to parents to babysit for an evening out occasionally. I'm not that mean ;)