All children stay or none at all

[wowmummy]

My mum seems to have this joke that she will have my DS (5) to stay over at her house but not my twin DDs (3)

It is said in a joke way but it's meant if you know what I mean?

Aibu to say they all go and stay over or none at all? I don't want the girls to feel they are being left behind and unwanted 😔

Starting off with short periods with the twins individually will allow relationships to be developed and she can start to see them as individuals. I think I might balk at looking after twin toddlers too!

I think at times that there is a lack of appreciation as to how challenging looking after a young child is when people get older. Energy levels are generally much lower than when you are younger and then there are perhaps health issues which can be compounded by having less energy.

My DGS had a play date the other day with a friend of the same age (3). The Mum in her 30s was on her knees 2 hours later as she is only used to one child.

You need to be guided by your DM in terms of what she is able to manage. If she wasn’t willing to have one of the DT when they get to 5 that does become more of an issue, but you are a couple of years away from that.

I know the OP hasn’t said this, but this dynamic makes an even stronger case for eldest to spend quality time with Granny.

And it’s totally reasonable for her to enjoy time with your DS as he’s older. If she does agree to rotate then surely it would be to have the twins one at a time.

Listen to her when she tells you what she wants and feels capable of. I’m not sure I buy your claim that it’s unfair. If you need more help then it looks like it’s time to get that elsewhere.

YAB ridiculous, surely you realise there's a big difference between having one 5yr old to stay and a 5yr old plus two 3yr olds?! Maybe she thinks the older one would appreciate some time away from the little ones, or maybe she just doesn't feel like she can cope with all of them at once (or doesn't have the space for them).

I don't want the girls to feel they are being left behind and unwanted

They're 3, not 13. Stop projecting feelings on to them that they won't have at this age. Put a positive spin on it - "DS is at Grandma's so we can have special time together: won't that be lovely?"

You are bloody lucky that your DM is prepared to take DS and give you a break from having 3. Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.

It’s normal for grandparents to not take all kids when there’s multiple children. My friend has 3 grandchildren and she rarely takes all 3 at once. The children enjoy their individual time with their Nan. It is a lot expecting your mum to have 3 children at once, especially them being as young as they are

I'm guessing 3 at once is too much for her. But I don't see why she can't have one twin at a time. It's not good for twins to be together all the time. They are two different children it really annoys me when people treat twins exactly the same. They both have individual wants and needs and should be treated as such.

I have 3. (Adults now) but when they were younger I always found if we were down one (didn't atter which one 🤣) the other 2 were much easier to deal with. I think your Mum is looking to do a lovely thing. I would say thank you to here. Even in the future if she took altenative one of your twins (when they are older) for a night every now and again I would also say thank you!

As a mum of 3 it's a huge ask of anyone to take 3 kids overnight especially at your kids ages. My mum and her dh have had my kids overnight once in 5 years. Do your DD sleep ok? Are they quite difficult to mange? Or to much for her? Also I do actually agree with you in principle that if a grandparent won't take all the grandkids they can't have any but that doesn't necessarily mean they have to have them all together. It could be one month your DS goes then the next one of your girls and the following the other girl. DH family have a tendency to hugely favour girls so would have wanted any daughter we had to go to there's but our son's can't. We had already decided before finding out what sex the babies were that this would never happen. They either all go and are welcomed or none.

But presumably DD got a nice break from helping with twins

"Left behind and unwanted" is massive projection on your part. As adults, our job is to teach children how to manage their thoughts and emotions, and you can easily manage that by saying your 5 year old gets to go because she's the older one.

Every younger child feels unhappy that their older sibling can do things they can't, and as a parent you just manage and normalise that.

Even when something genuinely devastating happens, our job as parents is to model dealing with it, so children know life is not always fair, it does hurt, but we can accept it and deal with it. But this really doesn't have to be at all devastating, it's very minor and not actually unfair.

Plus your 5 year old could probably do with some 1:1 attention, being the older sibling of twins is pretty tough going sometimes.

I think at times that there is a lack of appreciation as to how challenging looking after a young child is when people get older. Energy levels are generally much lower than when you are younger and then there are perhaps health issues which can be compounded by having less energy

That's true, but you also just get out of the habit, when your DC are older. And it is a massive responsibility to have someone else's toddler (let alone two) because of needing to have eyes in the back of your head. Especially in a non-childproofed house. A n/t 5 year old will listen some of the time and will probably not intentionally chuck themselves down the stairs/eat the cat litter/trap themselves in the bath and turn on the hot tap. Toddlers? All bets are off.

Ahh it reminds me of when my Dad worried if he took out my DD that my DS would feel left out ( DS is 2.6 years older)

I told my Dad if he took DD out then DS could have some time with me away from his pesky sister so everyone won.
(DS spent time with his GPs without DD too)

I was worried too how they'd cope with teo boisterous young DC

I agree with you op.

I also wouldn't offer or hold her against the rotation idea. That makes it sound like she should be thrilled to rewarded with looking after twins! Let her decide what she wants to do.

Twin 3 year old are probably too much for her as well as a 5 year old.
Let your son have some one to one time with his Nan. The girls can have the same when they're a bit older.
You are being cheeky to expect her to have them all just so you can do whatever yourself.

Her clear favouritism would piss me off. I’d say no visits at all, unless she wants to have them all one to one.

Haven't read the full thread but we used to have one at one granny's and the other at the other (not twins) as both would have been too much so I can imagine 3 children being a bit of a handful !

Tell the twins, when they are 5 they too can have a sleepover at Granny's.

What the hell are you going to do when the older one starts dating, gets a job? Insist the date/ employer takes on the twins? YBFR.

I see where you are coming from but two 3 year olds might be difficult for her! Maybe when they are older she would be willing to

In our situation Eldest is def favourite but mil had him staying from quite young and did loads with him while I managed younger siblings. And he is just easier to manage plus she feels he gets a bit of a raw deal as younger ones take so much attention and time. It's not nasty favoritism as she tries to treat them all equally.

I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I wish someone would take them overnight. There is a massive difference between looking after a 3 year old and a 5 year old. By 5 they are so much easier.

My Mum often has one Grandchild at a time - her view is they have different interests and needs and they benefit from the 1-2-1 time.

However, she does make it equal. So say she has 5yr old Grand-daughter for the day - she'll tailor activities for her. Then a couple of weeks later she'll have 11yrs Grandson and do the same.

She does have them together too and it's no issue - but that's usually because babysitting has been requested.

I'd say 3 kids under the age of 6yrs is alot for any Grandparent but I guess it's the way it's being put across. I'm thinking if your Mum said - oh let me have 5yr old on x date - just so they can have some 1-2-1 time and we can do X - you wouldn't feel as put out compared to - I will take X but fuck no to the twins, type of attitude. I can see why that lands badly! Haha.

Or, even if she said - I don't think I could manage with all three together - it would come across better.

But she's your Mam so probably feels she's earned the right to skip the PC way of putting her point across to her own kid! 😅

You sound like a grown up brat. Sorry

LOL because, of course, you're doing GPs a massive favour by letting them look after 3 DC under 6....

When I see complaints on MN about lack of GP involvement, I remember deluded posts like this.