To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

It is a little direct but it can be so hard to convey tone via text. Maybe there’s something going on for the other little girl and her mum is trying to rally some friends for her or maybe the mum is trying to reignite a friendship for herself.
I think in the same situation if my daughter didn’t mind I would offer an invitation, it’s just one play date - where we can, we should always be kind

RTFT people - it’s been resolved.

Don't you think that is a bit rude or hurtful? Maybe the other little girl is being bullied or left out socially and they see the OP's DD as a potential friend. It might have taken real guts to put out that message and push out, and they might not want to actually broadcast if there is a problem . A message like this would kill me and my DD, and be a real knock back or further kick in the teeth. Let's just be kind.

My daughter often asks if she can go to someone’s house. If she does I ask their parent and say DD was wondering if she could come and play one day. I warn DD they might say no. I’d be fine with someone inviting themselves. I think it’s good for DD to mix with lots of different people. I don’t see why you’d have a problem. May the other girl wants to be friends with your DD again. If you don’t want her to come say no. Or perhaps see what your DD thinks. She might like a play date with the other girl.

🤣 🤣 What an ending. Love your final update! 'sorry for posting to MumsNet...' 😂 glad all is well for everyone and no cf'ery has taken place after all 🤗

I don't think she's being rude at all. She'd like to play with your DD. Your DD has said she would also like to. My response would be "aw bless her, will have a look at the calendar now". Maybe I'm in the minority.

🤣 brilliant I love it! So funny.

Seems perfectly normal to me. And if you DD is fine, then why not. I would hate to think their DD was maybe a bit lonely and has to engineer play dates this way. No real harm is being done so maybe just go along with it.

If your DD isn’t interested I’d just text something like I’ll see what we’re doing. Very , very vague.
Had a mum at school when DD2 was young, her child loved coming to our house soooooo much ( she’d been to a party) oh how she was always saying she’d love to come again. Went on and on like this and when I said ok come after school on Friday, mum turned up with an overnight bag ( I kid you not) and said how her dd really wanted a sleepover, she’d see her in the morning…and she went. I was gobsmacked, to say the least. Last time I fell for it tho.

Say sorry , we can only do Tuesdays😅. Think she is being very direct and pushy. Be upfront and say its a nice suggestion, but don't think the girls are that close friends nowadays. She should know who her DD is goid friends with currently.

If you read the OP's posts, you will see that the matter has been resolved. 😉

It's very rude of her. If she wanted her DD to have a playdate, she should have hosted. She is being lazy and doesn't want to host.
Don't lower yourself to her level. Either say you are busy and don't have time or just invite her once for a short time.

You’d have definitely upped your chances of them saying yes, if you’d have invited them to your place.

Your husband is a wet blanket. I think it's rude as well if your daughter is not close with the other girl. Do what you think is right.

An easy out these days is to tell her you or your spouse work from home, so playdates are not an option at your house. Sorry (not sorry)!

Yes this is exactly how it works with ours. Always plotting get togethers after school and making making it look like the parents have suggested it, sneaky little things!

@Luredbyapomegranate

You are also overthinking all this, it’s not a big deal - don’t be one of those people whose always looking to be offended, it’s really tedious.

Good to see someone with some common sense … well said!

Glad it's sorted but hope those aren't the girls' real names or you've outed yourself even more OP

What on earth is the big deal!?

Your DD is happy about it so stop being so petty.

Sure her etiquette is non-existent, but does it really matter.
No. It doesn’t.

This, or the suggestion of meeting up at the park perhaps.

She should be teaching her daughter that it's not on to invite yourself to people's houses!

I don’t understand this thinking.

Yes - it does matter, if the person you’re asking something of thinks it’s rude.

I mean, you won’t get what you want, if they think you’re rude and/or annoying, will you?

Whereas, if you invite someone to your place, you’re not imposing on them, and you’re going to generate some goodwill, so they’re much more likely to say ‘yes’ and be open to friendship.

I’d respond with- ‘sorry busy week ahead!’

It's quite cheeky but I wouldn't be offended or look for an excuse for no reason. Kids do ask this kind of thing - it's a compliment really, and it's generally no trouble.

I’d reply saying things are a bit crazy at yours at the moment, but your DD would love to see her DD at their place……….assuming, of course, that your DD wants to go.

It wasn’t a kid that did it - it was an adult.

I mean, none of us would ever dream of inviting ourselves around to someone’s house that we’re not all that friendly with….?