To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

Yeah, the original message doesn’t make sense with ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’.

But she’s at least rectified things, so all good.

I can’t help thinking that’s the case 🤣 😭

Exactly. And a few people have mentioned she could have meant ‘ours’ and not yours… but haven’t realised she would also have meant to put Lily instead of ‘she’ - which can’t be an auto correct.

But anyway, whatever it is and if she’s reading this- no harm done. Sorry for posting this to mumsnet, and if the girls want to socialise out of school, I’m happy with that. 😅

She’s definitely seen the thread! .

At this point she's clearly seen the thread and you should stop talking about her because it's just mean now. Pointing out that she couldn't have meant ours instead of yours isn't benefiting anyone and just making the situation awkward for her and you.

But anyway, whatever it is and if she’s reading this- no harm done.

This is like those signs that say 'polite notice' or people who start their comments with 'no offence but'.

Surely it should be up to the person on the receiving end whether 'no harm done'?

The self invite wouldn't bother me. Knowing what my 9 year old is like he'd be nagging me to message to ask, which I'd probably do reluctantly, and end up sounding weird/rude too!

I'd probably reply politely and say something like you'll chat to DD and ask DD to speak to DF to have a chat so they can decide what they'd like to do so know when would work best.

I'd ask DD to ask DF why she wanted to come. And if DD does want her to come and play then fine I'd arrange a day. But if DD wasn't keen I'd just ignore it and never get back with a date!

you should stop talking about her because it's just mean now

I thought it passed that point at paragraph 4 of the OP.

Yeah, the OP is on the receiving end?

Eeeeeeeek

That is rude!
I would say back.
" Sorry we have alot going on at the moment so are not doing playdates.
Maybe when the weather is better the girls can meet at the park or something"
And leave it at that.

Are you sure there isn’t a genuine reason for the other Mums direct approach? She might be aware of a problem at school which you aren’t or worried about her daughters friendships. Your DD said she didn’t mind - maybe be open to the idea and it may have a good outcome? Or at least call the other Mum and ask how the idea came about? Just say you’re happy to have DF any time but you were a little surprised as your DD thought they played together less these days and you were wondering if there was anything you should know about beforehand? I’d always get the other persons full side before deciding it’s rude

I would just say, sorry it’s not convenient at this time!

@RudsyFarmer meh, we obviously have different ideas of the word rude.

I would just assume her daughter has told her OPs daughter has invited her round and keeps asking when she can go. In my view, I don't think the message was rude and I'm not going to encourage OP to cause herself drama over such a pointless thing.

Poor woman

I'd reply 'Nice to hear from you, it's been a while. I hadn't realised dd and Jane we're close again. I'll have a chat with dd."
Then if your dd isn't keen, I'd not go back to her unless she mentions it again.

Glad it's all sorted.

I can't believe posters are saying that you sound mean?Really?! Also- she didn't ask - she basically told you - and then you were asked to choose which day 😂
Has your DD ever been to this Woman's house btw?

There was practically no Internet when my own DC were little, but I remember being put on the spot over the same thing by pushy parents in the playground.. There will always be pushy people in all walks and stages of life.

I would honestly be tempted to 'forget' to reply for now, just to see what happens next.
She's really cheeky IMO.

Opps, that'll teach me to read any updates before posting 🥴
Glad it's all sorted x

O what a relief you took the time to consider OP ! Aww that was a nice message after all. It does just show the advantage of taking a moment doesnt it ! I hope your DD has a lovely time .

Hello Jess’s mum

You're being strange. It might be direct and to the point, but why not - the kid wants to hang out with yours. If you sort it out you'll get the reciprocal at some point.

So you’d invite yourself over the house of someone you didn’t know that well?

Instead of inviting them to your place?

If so, you’re being the strange one. If not, why is it different for adults and children?

Deffo this or something along the lines of “things are manic at the moment so will get back to you” then just never message again and hope she gets the hint 😂 but then I’m spineless haha