To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

I see what you mean @NurseBernard but IME kids do get ideas in their head about what they're keen on doing and I really don't see any harm in asking - especially if it's someone you've known for years.

If your kid’s keen to hang out with another kid, you invite them to your place. It’s pretty simple.

Kids don’t know the rules, so we don’t just go along with what they want, we explain how it works. This way, we don’t come across as rude / annoying to the people we’re trying to befriend. Win <> win.

Even the OP’s friend realised this, which is why she’s since texted and said she meant for the DD to come over to their place.

OP why do you think it would be reciprocated given that OP has already told us that visits were not reciprocated when the girls were younger?

Don’t know why the firs “ OP “ is there! Question is, of course, to Yuko.

That's so rude. You never invite yourself around to someone's house. First thing is you'd offer the playdate first then hope it's receprocated.

….and I really don't see any harm in asking

And it’s not really up to the person asking to decide whether there’s any ‘harm’ in it.

If the person being imposed upon finds it rude and/or annoying, it doesn’t matter what you think, does it?

If you don’t see any ‘harm’, you host. You be the one responsible for another child, put food out, think of activities, etc, etc. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow lots of people really finding it rude. If I received this message like this I wouldn't find it rude, but I also admit there's no way on earth I'd have the cojones to send one

• a message like this

@sorenlorenson1

Well it's good you had a think and didn't reply straight away.

Like other PPs, I don't quite buy that she meant to invite your DD to "ours", as the sentence isn't constructed that way- 3 errors if it was (which is unlikely)

I suspect Friends Mum saw MN thread. And realised she misjudged it.

However it occurred, it's all sorted. As the girls will have a play together outside school and if they enjoy each other's company, you can reciprocate and see in future if DD wants further occasional play dates.

It sounds like you have a lot on, so can see how you'd not want regular playdates.

At least it's clear that it's a play date now that can be reciprocated even if you decide only to do once each, and not the start of a stealth regular unpaid after-school childcare approach. We've all had those...!

But if she's struggling socially wouldn't you invite to yours?

You make new friends by inviting people to yours. Not inviting yourself to other people's houses

I think she’s outrageous to invite her DD over like that. My children often ask if they can go for a play date/sleepover at their friends’ houses, and even with close friends I explain that it doesn’t work like that but we can invite their friends here in the hope of a reciprocal invitation. The only exception is asking close friends when we need childcare (and even then we return the favour). I don’t know what I would reply but I think she’s definitely breached a code to invite her daughter over to yours. Maybe say something like, ‘I’m afraid I’m not sure what our plans are but if there is a day it suits you for her to come to yours let me know’.

Good luck!

Wow what a rude and presumptuous woman! This would really irk me too OP. I’m not sure how I would reply to it though without being just as rude back, (which I would only care about because of the potential to cause problems for my daughter),so I would probably take the cowards way out and ignore.

I think you could agree on having the girl over for a few hours, and still mentioning to the mother that you're a bit astonished because your daughters are not really good friends at this moment. Still, keep the playdate on your terms, your choice of day and timing, your choice if you offer a meal or not.

I can imagine that this could be one of those few hours playmates where the mum gets 'caught up' in something and is actually gone for ages!!

I would have immediately responded, "hi there, that doesn't work for me x".

I would probably speak to her directly if I could.

Don't say you are busy this week cos she will try to re-arrange. You are too busy generally and won't be having playdates.

Your dd hasn't asked about her coming over. It is not your job or your child's to accommodate the wishes of this person and her child.

Friendships change, I don't get involved. It was sad for my then 5 yo when his very best friend decided he didn't want the same. It is important to be kind but it ok to not want the same. Since then, 16 yo ds has a much wider friendship group. He still sees friends from primary, not the child he was close to. Friendships are for a reason, a season and a lifetime ( if you are very lucky)

@MichelleScarn , oh yes, using other parents as cheap babysitters, I've been there! So that's why I say to keep it on [your] own terms!

YANBU. I think it’s rude. You could have an elderly relative that you are caring for at home, or you could be renovating, or any other reason that makes it unsuitable for you to have people over. Suggest meeting on neutral territory (e.g. local park/playground/soft play) so that the girls can play and you don’t have the feeling of others forcing their way into your home.

Just say yes.

She's reaching out. Say yes please

Why did you have to post on Mumsnet about it?

It sounds to me as though she's looking for free childcare

Wow with people like you how on earth are we meant to make mum friends and help our children have healthy friendships. It sounds like the mum who asked already knew it was abit awkward as time has passed but you can’t be upset she reached out to you

By inviting kids over to your house?

It’s pretty simple.

I think you sound petty - maybe the daughter is having a few friendship issues?
she might have told her mum that your DD said she could come over, maybe she did.
just have the kid over if your daughter is up for it. I can’t see the issue here.

I thought it was a good reply as it allows the other mum to save face after a monumental misjudgement.

emptythelitterbox how is that being snobby? The child has been to her house before and the invitation was never returned, so I wouldn’t bother, especially as her daughter was surprised about it, and isn’t really friends with her.