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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

417 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 01:35

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

OP posts:
FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 17/11/2022 11:32

It's not about you really.
If dd would like her over and you know that she is not going to wreck the house, then yes I would just offer.
Maybe she has been telling her Mum for months thar she wants to go to yours and mum has said " wait for an invitation" then just thought fuck it, I'll just ask.

howshouldibehave · 17/11/2022 11:37

Maybe she has been telling her Mum for months thar she wants to go to yours and mum has said " wait for an invitation" then just thought fuck it, I'll just ask.

If my DD had been telling me for months that she wants to go to x’s house, I would have pointed out that it was rude to invite yourself round to X’s house and that we would invite X round to our house first. I see it as my job as a parent to teach my child about those social interactions. I need to explain what is appropriate and what other might perceive as being rude.

SamanthaCarter · 17/11/2022 11:38

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school

Surely you should clarify if she meant 'yours' or 'ours' first before you send a mean direct and embarrassing message back! Auto correct could have a lot to answer for here!!

Washingeverywhere · 17/11/2022 11:39

I used to have a friend who did this, it’s really rude and annoying. She home schooled and was always looking for free child care and ways to entertain her child. She would message me saying how much her child wants to see mine and ask when she could come round. The annoying thing was our daughters weren’t really friends but we were and at one point I really liked spending time with her.

I tested her by always inviting them both round but it was clear she didn’t want to hang out with me she just wanted free child care. Made me realise she was a bit of a user so I always declined!

diddl · 17/11/2022 11:41

Not all children are social butterflies though. Some just struggle with friendships and the kid that occasionally plays with them, might be their best friend.

If the other girl is struggling then surely she issues the invitation?

Santagiveyoursackawash · 17/11/2022 11:49

Suggest your house is a bit busy right now but happy to meet up at x place. .. Imo you won't see her for dust..

Theydoyaknow · 17/11/2022 11:54

Rude, Just rude.

GyozaGuiting · 17/11/2022 11:57

I'm on the fence with this, as sometimes my kids come home and say 'I want to go to xxxxx house can you ask their Mum?'

I definitely think it matters how it's phrased and it's important not to be presumptuous or entitled! I'll always make sure the kids get an invite here too.

But I don't think her message was that bad.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/11/2022 12:00

How about
'sorry can't do that suggestion, too much going on here I'm afraid, would you like it to happen at yours instead?'
It's a neutral response, declines without being rude and ball is back in her court but without implying she's a cf (though she is).
And then only if your dd actually wants to hang out with the other girl.
With your latest update op you defintely shouldn't be rolling over.

chaosmaker · 17/11/2022 12:02

Can't your daughter talk to the other girl about it in school? They aren't exactly babies at 9.

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 12:04

Pr1mr0se · 17/11/2022 11:17

I think you are being unnecessarily mean about a parent based on a text message. It's direct and to the point with the limited space texts allow. Just reply, yes if your daughter wants a playdate and make the arrangements. Don't be spiteful, it's not your friendship to mess up.

The reaching on this thread….!

There’s just as much space in a text to invite someone over to your place, as there is to invite yourself. Grin

chaosmaker · 17/11/2022 12:04

I have always tried not to let this be a barrier to having their friends over, as I want my children to have as ‘normal’ a childhood as they can, given that it is actually far from that. But I would prefer to make that extra effort, and fight my own tiredness, for friends of my DC that they actually invite and want to be here!

That is so difficult, in which case if your daughter is happy to play with the other girl, maybe suggest they play at hers instead?

Padz · 17/11/2022 12:06

This ⬆️

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 12:07

SamanthaCarter · 17/11/2022 11:38

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school

Surely you should clarify if she meant 'yours' or 'ours' first before you send a mean direct and embarrassing message back! Auto correct could have a lot to answer for here!!

Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school…

…doesn’t make any sense.

It’s clearly ‘yours’.

Original poster
sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 12:09

I feel so so embarrassed. 😳 🙈
I have received this message-

Hi. I’ve just realised I meant to say our house not yours. Only just noticed. What day is your DD free. Will take them to McDonald’s and then here to play. But can you get her don’t have a car at the moment. X

oh dear…..😭😭😭 a few of you said this might be the case but I really didn’t think it was. I’m so glad I didn’t reply last night.

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 12:10

howshouldibehave · 17/11/2022 11:37

Maybe she has been telling her Mum for months thar she wants to go to yours and mum has said " wait for an invitation" then just thought fuck it, I'll just ask.

If my DD had been telling me for months that she wants to go to x’s house, I would have pointed out that it was rude to invite yourself round to X’s house and that we would invite X round to our house first. I see it as my job as a parent to teach my child about those social interactions. I need to explain what is appropriate and what other might perceive as being rude.

Exactly!

We’ve all had DC saying they want to go round to so and so’s place.

So - you explain that you don’t invite yourself over to other people’s homes. You invite them to your place and hope there might be a reciprocal invitation.

User2145738790 · 17/11/2022 12:10

Pixiedust1234 · 17/11/2022 02:01

I think DD friend has implied to her mother that DD wants her to go over and the mum has assumed you know about both DDs planning it.

At that age most children plan get togethers then go off and "con" their parents into making it happen. Its similar to playing off one parent to another (dad says no so they go ask mum).

Since your DD doesn't really want it then don't make it happen. Perhaps reply along the lines of "I think you sent this to me by mistake, unfortunately our DDs are no longer close friends anymore. Thought I would reply so you can resend to the right person! xx"

Don't send a message like this, op. It will make you look dense.

chaosmaker · 17/11/2022 12:10

Yay, all sorted out :)

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 12:11

Cross-post on my part then, I was clearly wrong!

Opine · 17/11/2022 12:12

@GyozaGuiting so do you not tell your children that you can’t invite yourself to someone’s house but you’ll invite them to yours instead?
Kids are socially inept so it’s for us to teach them social norms. Mine have asked when they were younger but I just don’t do what they want.
There’s actually no polite way to invite yourself somewhere.

There are a lot of posters talking about children wanting to go to houses because of consoles, trampolines etc. That’s normal for kids but surely they should be taught that you go to someone’s house for the people in it. I’ve had kids here who have ignored my children just so they could use their stuff. That’s also rude. It’s unbelievable to me how entitled people are.

MadelineUsher · 17/11/2022 12:12

Bollocks.

Tubs11 · 17/11/2022 12:13

If your daughter is fine with her coming over for a play date then that's your answer. Telling her she can say no if she wants is not something I would be encouraging if she's an otherwise confident kid. That's just you trying to influence/sway her with your opinion and could come back to haunt you. Honestly OP, it's not getting worked up over. Inclusion is an extremely valuable and vital life lesson to teach our kids and this is a classic example of where we can teach that.

Original poster
sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 12:14

Either that, or somehow my post has got back to her- it’s a bit outing since I mentioned my disabled son, 4 kids etc.. 🙈 she would have meant to put ‘Jess has been asking if LILY can come over OURS.’
so 2 mistakes 🤣 but I’m not going to over think it, I will take this as a genuine mistake. No big deal. Will ask DD if she wants to go over - and will invite her back if so.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/11/2022 12:16

sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 12:14

Either that, or somehow my post has got back to her- it’s a bit outing since I mentioned my disabled son, 4 kids etc.. 🙈 she would have meant to put ‘Jess has been asking if LILY can come over OURS.’
so 2 mistakes 🤣 but I’m not going to over think it, I will take this as a genuine mistake. No big deal. Will ask DD if she wants to go over - and will invite her back if so.

I think the posts got back 😂

OnlyFannys · 17/11/2022 12:17

sorenlorenson1 · 17/11/2022 12:14

Either that, or somehow my post has got back to her- it’s a bit outing since I mentioned my disabled son, 4 kids etc.. 🙈 she would have meant to put ‘Jess has been asking if LILY can come over OURS.’
so 2 mistakes 🤣 but I’m not going to over think it, I will take this as a genuine mistake. No big deal. Will ask DD if she wants to go over - and will invite her back if so.

I'd say she is probably a mumsnetter 😁