To go and pick SS up from school when his mum has said no?

[tmpbk]

More of a wwyd

Teen SS is due here tonight, he's been messaging me and has told me his mum told him to cook his own dinner last night so he did but started to feel unwell, he had the runs 2 or 3 times and told his mum but she sent him to school as it's probably food poisoning not a contagious bug (food poisoning is still just as bad though!) he asked me to pick him up as he feels unwell, he said he's told the school he feels sick but they told him to see how he feels later but because he hasn't been sick they won't send him home, he said he's been to the toilet a few more times but his last teacher had gotten annoyed at him keep asking to go which I can see from her point of view she probably thinks he's trying to skip the lesson. He has her again after lunch and she's told him she won't allow him to go during that lesson.

He won't tell them he has an upset stomach as it's embarrassing (it obviously isn't but he's a teen), I've told him to lie and tell them he's been sick but he said they won't believe him if they haven't seen it but he's begging me to pick him up as he just wants to go to bed. I've asked his mum what she suggests and she hasn't been helpful as she's said he can stay in school if he isn't going to tell them what's wrong with him and she's suggested he's probably lying as she knows he doesn't like Wednesdays at school.

I've not seen him today but I over the messages I do think he is telling the truth as he never messages me whilst at school (and he isn't supposed to be). I haven't spoken to DH as he hasn't answered his phone.

I'm thinking of going and telling them he has a doctors appointment but I know his mum won't be happy but if he is telling the truth I'll feel a bit mean later if I make him stay.

I would go get him! He is clearly unwell, dad isnt answering and he is due to be staying at yours.

I think you are right to want to go and get him but if his mother says not to I think you can't ignore what she says. It's a difficult situation for you to be in. Can you speak to his dad?

Firstly, a teacher refusing a child a toilet break is a safeguarding issue
This is absolutely not true

I'd just tell him that unless he tells school he's unwell then you can't pick him up.
I've never heard of a school policy that states they have to see physical evidence of a student vomiting in order to send them home.
He's 15, if he's genuinely that unwell then he's capable of explaining this to a member of staff.

There's no way I'd go behind his mothers back and take him out of school,especially without the consent of his dad either.

I have a stepson and if he messaged me saying he was unwell and I couldn't contact his dad, I'd pick him up 100%. No way I would risk him shitting himself.

I think I would just keep on encouraging him to tell the teacher quietly that he has an upset tummy (does not have to use the word diarrhoea) and that they'll probably send him home once he explains. And when that happens you can collect him without any fallout.

This ^^

If he has diarrhoea he needs to ask to speak to a teacher or reception privately and ask to be sent home.

As a step parent you can't do this. I've had to contact school as my DS texted me from loos saying he had diarrhoea and couldn't leave toilet stall and was mortified, school dealt with it very sensitively and let me pick him up (with requisite black bionic liner on passenger seat & spare clothes & black bin liner for dirty clothes) that I brought into school for him to discretely change and be snuck out so no one else saw.

If the school let you take him they will be royally fucking up, as you have neither PR nor the consent of either parent to do so. Someone could get fired. Please don't.

Not to mention how much damage you'd be doing to the relationship you have with his mum, or between his parents as well. "Sorry, your mum said no." is fine.

*bin liner not bionic

But then I had PR and had authority to take action like that.

This really is gif his mum and dad to sort. Surely you can get hold of your DH in an emergency at work. See what he says.

Just call the school and tell them he has diarrhea but too embarrassed to say it.
Quit all this faffing about and take action.

I’d phone school and tell them he’s got an upset stomach but is too embarrassed to tell the teacher in front of the class. Then maybe you can work it as though school asked you to get him because surely they will want him to go home?

This is nothing to do with you. It's up to his dad and his mum to make that decision. He's messaging you because his mum has said no and he reckons you're a softer touch.

No, because you aren't his parent. Leave it to them. You do sound lovely.

Step back and MYOB

Whatever is going on between SS and his mother is for them to sort out. DO NOT let him manipulate you into taking sides because when it all ends in shit, you'll be the one they both blame.

No, you can't take him if you don't have PR, and the school shouldn't let you either.

Tell him to keep messaging his Mum and explaining, and saying that you could get him if needed. Tell him to explain to nurse/office/teacher what the problem is, so that they can phone his Mum. Keep trying your partner so that he can authorise it and/or speak to his Mum. But you can't just do it. You don't know for sure he isn't exaggerating, trying to get out of something etc. She may know him better. If she is refusing, it's not likely to be just because she wants him humiliated! Especially if she knows you're willing to pick him up if needed, so that she's not even having to take time out etc. She must have some reason that she thinks he does not need to come out, and he needs to work that out with her/his Dad. Encourage him to stay with the nurse/in the loo/whatever needed to make sure he is OK in the meantime, and reiterate your willingness to collect him if Mum agrees.

Why is he messaging you telling you that his mum told him that he had to make his own dinner? (He is 15 so that isn’t a big deal)

Is this relevant because he thinks he has given himself food poisoning, or you do?

I’d message his mum. I don’t think you’re wrong here but if she had expressed different approach here then I’d check in. I’m not one of these anti step parent brigade and recognise you probably at times are expected to step in (hence you’re on the emergency contact list) but surely this means you can get in touch with her on such a matter??

If it was my DC I would be ok with someone on the emergency contacts list picking them up if they were unwell.

I've called the school and explained and they've said they'll send someone to speak to him and call me back if they think he should be sent home. He told me he had messaged his mum but she'd refused to pick him up.

You were obviously going to interfere anyway so I'm not sure why you bothered to ask anyone.
The mum has said no to both you and the child (rightly or wrongly) and you've wilfully gone behind her back.
I wouldn't be surprised if you get all permissions to pick him up from school away from you in the future.

He’s probably only got half an hour or so to go before the end of school?

You were right to contact his mum but I think you should respect her decision.

Agree with mum how this sort of situation should be handled in future so you’re not caught in the middle next time!

I'm not sure op but I think this might be illegal without either of the parents' consent.

His Mum is undoubtedly going to be furious but you've done what was best for the child. I'd have done the same.

It is his parents' call. One said no, the other is not available. He is messaging you as his dm has said no but you are a softer touch. School must be almost over anyway.

Oh right I see you’ve now called the school.
Do you have an issue with how his mum parents? Because that’s what she may take from this.

You shouldn’t have made that decision without consulting mum and surely by the time you collect him, it’ll be the end if school anyway.

With respect to contacts who don't have PR what would have happened if the teen in this case had vomited everywhere and school had been unable to contact either mum or dad but stepmum was next on the list. I assume if you list someone as emergency contact they have the right to pick them up from school in an emergency (isn't that the point of emergency contact)