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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go and pick SS up from school when his mum has said no?

322 replies

tmpbk · 16/11/2022 13:13

More of a wwyd

Teen SS is due here tonight, he's been messaging me and has told me his mum told him to cook his own dinner last night so he did but started to feel unwell, he had the runs 2 or 3 times and told his mum but she sent him to school as it's probably food poisoning not a contagious bug (food poisoning is still just as bad though!) he asked me to pick him up as he feels unwell, he said he's told the school he feels sick but they told him to see how he feels later but because he hasn't been sick they won't send him home, he said he's been to the toilet a few more times but his last teacher had gotten annoyed at him keep asking to go which I can see from her point of view she probably thinks he's trying to skip the lesson. He has her again after lunch and she's told him she won't allow him to go during that lesson.

He won't tell them he has an upset stomach as it's embarrassing (it obviously isn't but he's a teen), I've told him to lie and tell them he's been sick but he said they won't believe him if they haven't seen it but he's begging me to pick him up as he just wants to go to bed. I've asked his mum what she suggests and she hasn't been helpful as she's said he can stay in school if he isn't going to tell them what's wrong with him and she's suggested he's probably lying as she knows he doesn't like Wednesdays at school.

I've not seen him today but I over the messages I do think he is telling the truth as he never messages me whilst at school (and he isn't supposed to be). I haven't spoken to DH as he hasn't answered his phone.

I'm thinking of going and telling them he has a doctors appointment but I know his mum won't be happy but if he is telling the truth I'll feel a bit mean later if I make him stay.

OP posts:
IWantAShitzu · 17/11/2022 21:25

You sound like a lovely stepmum x

Original poster
tmpbk · 17/11/2022 21:26

Thank you everyone

Me and SS had a lovely afternoon watching films and DH joined us when he got home. He seems a bit better today, he's still got stomach ache but has said it's not as bad as yesterday and he's been to the toilet less often aswell, he's also eaten a couple of bites of toast but told us he couldn't eat anymore which was fine as at least he's eaten something, so hopefully he's over the worst of it now.

DH messaged his mum to update her on how SS was and told her he feels a bit better, she then asked if he's going to school tomorrow as she wasn't happy he had today off as he should push through apparentlyConfused. DH said no as he's not 100% and he's hardly eaten, she told DH we should be making him do homework then which we aren't as he won't be able to focus properly whilst still not feeling 100% but DH said we will as he didn't want an argument. She then mentioned SS is probably exaggerating being unwell to have more days off now which he isn't, and he knows if he's better he's back on Monday but if he's not then we'll probably take him to the doctors as it'll have been going on for 6 days which I don't think is normal if it is food poisoning, correct me if I'm wrong on that though!

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 17/11/2022 21:30

Gosh, so many updates.

I think this is probably a private family matter now.

sunshinesky · 17/11/2022 21:46

I’m horrified by the number of responses saying to stay out of it and leave the poor boy in school in that state! You absolutely did the right thing.

Islandgirl68 · 17/11/2022 21:58

It is a shame the mum seems more worried about been in school than how ill her son is. No way would I be sending him to school. You arecusuallybquite weak after an upset tummy. How would he even be able to concentrate. At least he can rely on you and his dad.

GUARDIAN1 · 17/11/2022 22:11

It's his mum or dad's decsion. Not yours to make. Although it must be a difficult thing if he's messaging you, I'd be furious if a step-parent went over my head in that way.

wellstopdoingitthen · 17/11/2022 22:14

Nothingbuttheglory · 16/11/2022 14:08

If the school let you take him they will be royally fucking up, as you have neither PR nor the consent of either parent to do so. Someone could get fired. Please don't.

Not to mention how much damage you'd be doing to the relationship you have with his mum, or between his parents as well. "Sorry, your mum said no." is fine.

This

Needmorelego · 17/11/2022 22:19

Do people not read the updates? This happened yesterday. He was collected and has been home with his Dad and step mum since ill in bed for most of it.
@GUARDIAN1 you would seriously be 'furious' and happy to have your child stuck at school with potentially shitty stinky pants rather than - God forbid - his step mum collecting him.
He had diarrhea. The shits. Poor kid. He wanted to go home.

PeawitPerkins · 17/11/2022 22:29

Nope - if the child lives with SP at least part of the time, they are considered a parent under education law. SPs are entitled to loads of stuff by law eg parent evenings, information about child. Dad and SM don’t need Mum’s permission for picking him up. OP was nice to try to agree this with Mum but she did the right thing collecting him.

cherish123 · 17/11/2022 22:30

Stay out of it. Leave it to his D and M.

LovelyIssues · 17/11/2022 22:38

You did the right thing OP. Hope he's feeling a bit better today

Janus · 17/11/2022 22:42

@cherish123 read the thread!! She picked her SS up and he has been very unwell. Thank goodness she went.
OP you did the right thing, 100%. Imagine if all that had happened at school, he’d be mortified. It sounds like your judgement was spot on, he’s lucky to have you.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 17/11/2022 23:38

Sounds like classic bacterial food poisoning, OP. I've had it 3 times in my life. First clue is a bad stomach ache that doesn't go away, and bad diarrhoea and vomiting.

You did the right thing picking him up. It's good that one adult cared enough about him, and took him seriously.

His mother sounds like a really nasty and cruel person who thinks the worst of her son. It's a pity he can't live with you and his dad full time? At 15 he is more than old enough to say where he wants to live. Not saying he would prefer you and his dad over his mum, but I'm just saying.

AmberMcAmber · 17/11/2022 23:49

I wouldn’t lie to school per we but I would say that someone else who ate the same food now has food poisoning so you are collecting him as he has an upset stomach (ask SS permission to show admin staff one of the messages - and confirm with ‘he’s asked X teacher more than once to go to toilet, this is unlike him’) and I’d take him home (assuming you have the right to with the school… if you don’t, I’d convince dad to call them to tell them you are collecting him

Needmorelego · 18/11/2022 00:07

@AmberMcAmber he was collected yesterday. Actually day before yesterday as it's now gone midnight.
🙄

clpsmum · 18/11/2022 00:14

I would go and get him. Would the mum even have to know if he's coming to yours?

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 18/11/2022 00:20

clpsmum · 18/11/2022 00:14

I would go and get him. Would the mum even have to know if he's coming to yours?

RTFT. This happened 2 days ago.

oosha · 18/11/2022 05:04

You aren’t his mother, why would you think it’s ok to go against what she wants to do. Mind your own business and stay in your lane.

Sellorkeep · 18/11/2022 06:24

oosha · 18/11/2022 05:04

You aren’t his mother, why would you think it’s ok to go against what she wants to do. Mind your own business and stay in your lane.

Read the OP’s updates and maybe show a little kindness towards a stepmom who rescued a boy who was literally shutting his pants when his mum wouldn’t act.

CecilyP · 18/11/2022 06:46

clpsmum · 18/11/2022 00:14

I would go and get him. Would the mum even have to know if he's coming to yours?

Even if you didn’t notice the date of OP’s original post, why on earth are you thinking he’s still at school at 00.14 in the morning?

threatmatrix · 18/11/2022 08:09

You cannot go against his mother but has none of you thought of phoning the school and telling them about the situation?

toomuchlaundry · 18/11/2022 08:11

@threatmatrix it’s always a good idea to read at least all the OP’s posts even if you don’t read the whole thread

youcantchoosethem · 18/11/2022 08:23

I have been shocked and saddened by a number of vitriolic replies to OP on this post. The Mum in this case was wrong to insist the child stayed at school which is clear from the updates on how ill he has continued to be. The SM had to make the call and did the right thing.

It isn’t about who is “in their lane” (what an awful turn of phrase) but about the child. Their needs should always come first. Parental spats or issues you have, being the aggrieved wife or partner, have no business in the discussion AT ALL. All adults involved in the child’s care should be able to pull together for the sake of a child.

If however you are too selfish or bitter to put your own child’s needs or step child’s needs first then you shouldn’t be involved in the child’s care.

OP well done for making a tough decision and putting his needs first.

Lynz78 · 18/11/2022 08:31

You definitely did the right thing. My DS is 15 and he gets an upset stomach easily I had to fill in firms so he could get a toilet pass. The funny bit is unless he really has to go he avoids the toilets says there are kids vaping etc

Sippingonginandjuice77 · 18/11/2022 09:45

You absolutely did the right thing calling the school. It’s not about the mother here and you “staying in your lane”, it’s about doing what’s best for the child, as it’s should be. Not all mums actually have the children's best interests at heart. It’s disgusting she would send him into school like that in the first place. To me it shows how much you love and care for your SS and your DH clearly agrees with your decisions rather than his x’s, so screw what everyone else thinks or says, as it really does not matter