To go and pick SS up from school when his mum has said no?

[tmpbk]

More of a wwyd

Teen SS is due here tonight, he's been messaging me and has told me his mum told him to cook his own dinner last night so he did but started to feel unwell, he had the runs 2 or 3 times and told his mum but she sent him to school as it's probably food poisoning not a contagious bug (food poisoning is still just as bad though!) he asked me to pick him up as he feels unwell, he said he's told the school he feels sick but they told him to see how he feels later but because he hasn't been sick they won't send him home, he said he's been to the toilet a few more times but his last teacher had gotten annoyed at him keep asking to go which I can see from her point of view she probably thinks he's trying to skip the lesson. He has her again after lunch and she's told him she won't allow him to go during that lesson.

He won't tell them he has an upset stomach as it's embarrassing (it obviously isn't but he's a teen), I've told him to lie and tell them he's been sick but he said they won't believe him if they haven't seen it but he's begging me to pick him up as he just wants to go to bed. I've asked his mum what she suggests and she hasn't been helpful as she's said he can stay in school if he isn't going to tell them what's wrong with him and she's suggested he's probably lying as she knows he doesn't like Wednesdays at school.

I've not seen him today but I over the messages I do think he is telling the truth as he never messages me whilst at school (and he isn't supposed to be). I haven't spoken to DH as he hasn't answered his phone.

I'm thinking of going and telling them he has a doctors appointment but I know his mum won't be happy but if he is telling the truth I'll feel a bit mean later if I make him stay.

@Solonge are you outside the UK? It is now 18.14 in the evening, so school will have finished.

I think you did the right thing. Poor kid

Why is the mothers feelings and wishes more important than a poorly child's?

@treesandweeds its very possible, thanks. Look it up! Not all types, but some are. A doctor once told warned exdp to stay away from others as he was contagious with his (diagnosed) food poisoning.

OP I would have done the same thing. You gut reaction clearly was correct as he was so poorly on the way home. Poor lad.
If his mum didn’t want you involved then you shouldn’t be an emergency contact. And if he was due at yours tonight anyway then you’re clearly in loco parentis today? So you make decisions on his care ….

Ahh poor boy - my son would be too embarrassed to tell a teacher as well. You did the right thing and he obviously felt comfortable enough to tell you.

What did he cook for himself last night? Some pointers in how to cook might be useful!

Well since it was his mum who left him to cook, maybe she should be the one doing this. OP wouldn't want to undermine the mother in administering cooking lessons, now would she?

No, my plan wasn't to make sure mine and his mums relationship got better, it was to make sure SS was ok as he's the priority.

He also didn't turn to me because I'm a ‘soft touch’ he tried to call DH himself but he didn't answer as DH didn't have his phone on him so he then messaged me, I'm not sure if he also messaged his mum as he wasn't very talkative in the car and I didn't want to ask him loads of questions, I just wanted to get him home.

Yes, I know he hates Wednesdays but as I said he has never pretended to be unwell or messaged me, he's just complained about not liking them. So I was concerned when he was begging me to pick him up etc, I asked his mum but I was still concerned then I phoned the school on a posters advice and it was their decision so I didn't ‘undermine’ his mum, I really doubt they sent him home because they were fed up of him telling them he was unwell, he also only told them he felt sick once and they told him to see how he feels which is normal in schools I assume so they weren't just accusing him of lying.

@tmpbk
You did well

I think you made the right call, you’re his step mum and have been there for most of his life. Only you know your own family set up and what the right thing to do was.

@RosieRooster83 exactly that.

Why on earth do people think that a mothers wants trump the rights of her child's, who is also a human being, not a pet or a pawn.

OP you did exactly the right thing. You didn't undermine anyone and you made sure he was safe. At 15, having an accident in class would be horrendous and it would never be forgotten. Hope he feels better soon and he's really lucky to have someone like you in his life.

You did the right thing OP.

Maybe some posters will only believe you if you post a photo of the mess in your car!

Taking into account your updates.. you have 50/50 custody of teen ss and this has been in place for ten years, you don’t have a good relationship with his mum, you don’t care what she thinks..ss is staying at yours this week..you often have sole care of him while dh is at work..

my question would be why ring his mum in that situation ? Why not be acting parent and phone the school and then collect if necessary? What help did you need from his mum?

I think it’s great to let his mum know if he’s off school ill while in your custody but the rest of the handwringing , ringing dh, ringing his mum, posting on social media, thinking up lies to tell the school..was a bit unnecessary.

I think you did the right thing. It’s miserable having a stomach upset somewhere public. If she’s annoyed with you I think she would be very petty and unreasonable. Really the poor lad should have been at home near a toilet earlier and not gone into school.

You did the right thing OP. Well done! What a horrible situation for your poor step-son.

I have only read you posts OP, but you absolutely did the right thing.

He was unwell, his dad couldn't answer the phone and he messaged you for help.

If you'd ignored him he would have possibly ended up very embarrassed at school. Unfortunately not all teachers are approachable or sympathetic. Impossible to live something like that down, and at 15 that could be unbearable. We claim to care about youth mental health and then don't listen, I mean, wth?

I am so glad you helped him. Poor lad, hope he feels better soon and you are able to keep an eye on him. x

MN is so weird. One minute it's "as a step parent you should love the child as if they were your own, you knew what you were getting into when you got married" next minute it's "stay out of it, it's between the parents". So, which is it?

OP doesn't have 50/50 custody, she has no PR. I can see if she's had difficulty over the years with the mother and being accused of "undermining" as she has on this thread, then having the backing of one of the parents before making the decision would have helped her avoid drama. She could not get hold of her husband to back up her decision - he didn't have his phone. So she tried the mother, who accused the boy of lying. The boy (who also couldn't get hold of his dad and not believed by his mum)continued to contact OP in distress. She then contacted the school and it was the school that made the final decision to let the boy go home, not the OP. It was the school that overruled the mother. OP just collected him because he's staying in his father and step mother's house tonight (and she seems to be the only party available for the poor kid).

I'm sure if the OP had told SS it's not her problem and he'd had an accident in class in front of his peers - on a contact night for the father when the OP is in loco parentis and able to support the boy by advocating for him with his teachers and collecting him - she'd have been viewed on here as evil personified.

Ok perhaps op did want mum’s backing before making a decision. That’s a fair point.

Of course I’m not suggesting op should have done nothing. I was simply wondering why there was a need to call the mother if op was acting parent (and was going to make her own decision anyway)
It all seems unnecessarily complicating a fairly straightforward event.

I understand being a step mother is fraught with difficult decisions, strained relationships and so on. I’m not on anyone’s “side” here.

I do think some posters get far too dramatic, see everything as black and white, choose who the baddie is on a thread and then pick a side and fight to “win” an argument.

It could have turned out differently. The SS could have been fine and just wanting a day off. I’ve worked with teens and have 2 at home. It’s not unusual to feel “ill” to get off a lesson so it’s sensible to say wait and see how they are during the lesson. It’s pretty obvious if a child you teach regularly is genuinely feeling like shit.

The kid here deserves some sympathy if literally no one was listening to him. It sounds more like he didn’t speak up for himself at school.” I have a very bad stomach upset and need to be collected”wouldn’t be embarrassing.
Hes 15 and could be in the workplace in a year so he needs the tools to advocate for himself.

I would be inclined to agree with his mum I’m afraid. If a 15 year old is so ill they’re soiling themselves I would expect them to relay that to a teacher and wait for a call before taking action.

DH is at why she sent him into school in the first place but has said he's not going to speak to her about it until SS feels better. He has messaged her and told her school sent him home and her reply was her asking why DH was telling her as it's his time and she wouldn't tell DH if he was sent home during her time, DH hasn't replied.

We don't know what he ate as he told me he didn't want to talk about food but we'll ask him when he feels better, but we didn't mention food poisoning it was his mum who mentioned it as a reason for sending him to school so it could be a bug. DH woke him up and asked him how he feels and he has said the same but he is complaining of a stomach ache still and DH said he feels warm (not sure if its a temperature) so he's gone out to get him some calpol as he can't swallow tablets. I've also just offered him some crackers which he has said he doesn't want but I've left them with him in case he changes his mind later but I suspect he'll probably go back to sleep again as he seems very tired.

Well you sound very caring op. Just try to avoid pointing fingers of blame. It’s hard to call it when you have ten minutes to leave the house in the morning. I doubt she’s a terrible mother.

Make sure he sips water regularly and rests. No need for food tonight!

This thread is hilarious. If OP would've posted asking if she was unreasonable not to pick him up and the poor kid shat himself at school, or just felt poorly she would've been called an evil,wicked step mother. Not putting the kid first, not caring etc. Somehow she still ended up being called names and told what an awful person she is.

A step mother's place is always in the wrong.

No need to be dramatic. No one shat themselves at school, no one said evil wicked stepmother.
It all worked out and op has been congratulated numerous times for making a decision herself as the acting parent.

It might not help as it may be food poisoning

But there is a nasty norovirus type bug that is doing rounds in our area/ schools - starts with shivering, then D&V , unable to get warm but at times running hot and lots of nausea.

Regardless you need the BRAT diet (nhs) after any stomach upset - look it up - bananas , rice, applesauce toast

But really most of us do bananas & toast! Maybe an apple. - for If or when they want to eat. Plain water, avoid milk and dairy . Steamed chicken / sliced up so tiny bit at a time, when feels better. and stop eating if nausea returns

The virus lasts about 2/3 days