To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.

[Laneyy]

Preparing to be flamed It's very sad when someone cannot conceive aged 40+ but to compared to someone in their 20s/30s isn't fair. Especially when the infertility is secondary It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving. So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but stasticially it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s.

You are a being very cruel. The woman you talk of may not have been in a position to try ten years earlier. Plus you also 'assume' that her infertility is age related. It is more than possible to get pregnant at 40 there's still a 20% chance as opposed to 35% in your 30s. Not that dramatic a difference l. got pregnant at 38 easily.

You have no idea whether she would conceived earlier or not.

I'm fed up of women being blamed for leaving it to late. Women have over 35 are just dismissed as 'incurable ' by doctors . Probably more to do with cost than actually treating them. Just fobbed off because it's their fault they left it too late.

You don't use age as an ex curse not to treat other ailments but it's perfectly fine to ignore and dismiss older mums. YABU

I think you are talking about the wrong OP. My dad isn't funding anyone's IVF.

I'm an older mother.

My family has a history of older motherhood.

However due to the women I know who have never managed to have children even though they started trying to have them in their 20s/early 30s and those who could only have one child due to reaching menopause at 40, I tell younger women in long term relationships/marriage to get on with it if they want children.

I leave single women a lone.

Older mums isn't a homogenous group thanks, and if you mention to younger women that trying later is stressful, how do you think that is met?

Oh, You have the same tone

Not seen in the context of the OP. Which is we shouldn't feel sorry for women who are "infertile" late in light, they aren't infertile, it's their own fault.

What sort of PoS do you have to be to even think of this take on infertility?

I didn’t read it like that. I read it as women are mistaking infertility proper with just the natural ageing process because a lot of women are either ignorant to or in denial about ageing of the reproductive system.

I mean the end result is the same - no children.

I think if a women has never had a baby ever then age has no bearing on it and it's just as painful no matter how old you are. I do think it's different when a 40 year old woman with three kids feels she's in the same boat a 30 year old woman who has never had a baby and can't.

Both situations are heartbreaking but not being able to have an extra baby because of age isn't really comparable to never having one at all.

So what's the cut off for sympathy? Are 30s ok? Or should we all be lining up for inpregnation in our 20s, regardless of circumstance, or be told it's our own fault?

I don't mean to be cruel but it's a biological medical fact our fertility goes into decline then we have the menopause. It's not nice but medicine can't cure menopause as of yet. I don't think it's doctors deciding NICE guidelines says that treatment must be have a cost benefit analysis. If it's very unlikely to work it won't be funded.

I'm sorry, but I think this is utter bollocks.

When I was 25, it felt hurtful and patronising that certain idiots imagined most young women had no idea about their biological clocks, because (like a lot of people on this thread), I wasn't in the least unaware, I was just struggling.

And now I am older, I feel even less like telling 25-year-olds to hurry up and have babies.

They know.

There may be a few women who genuinely have never, ever, ever, ever been told that fertility declines with age. Women who've never seen a Daily Mail sadface headline or stumbled over a magazine article or seen the innumerable threads on mumsnet and facebook and so on. But the number must be vanishingly small.

What most people who're infertile in their 40s are dealing with is either 1) yes, I wanted a baby and I tried to have one and it didn't happen in my 20s/30s and it's not happening in my 40s either, or 2) yes, I wanted a baby but life is complicated and I wasn't in a position to try before.

Neither of those are positions that are helped by people preaching about biological clocks or pretending women are stupid.

Did I say anything about sympathy?

I do totally understand what posters are saying here about secondary infertility. I didn’t experience primary infertility, only secondary. And without a doubt it’s gruelling to listen to women talk about how ‘they had to give their child a sibling or they would be so lonely’ when you can’t get a single BFP for four years.

I think it has two parts to it though. There is society and other Mums bombarding you with ‘are you going to have another’ crap at the school gates which is very isolating.

Then there’s the personal feeling of wanting another which is it’s own pain because life is not how we imagined. However, I also felt eternally grateful for the miracle I did have.

I think if we took out the society element secondary infertility would be A LOT easier to deal with.

But if our society was different. I’m in the U.K., I think we would be able to deal with it so much better. For example, in Spain lots of families have one child and it’s normal. It’s partly the stigma here that makes it so painful.

This is exactly what I mean age 40+ your reproductive system is starting to shut down. It's a part of ageing. Some might be successful , some might not be.

Commenting that a thread is deliberately divisive by pitting women against women is partaking. This is something that women really should be discussing. I hope someone points out how unhelpful that is every time it happens.

What do you mean by pitting? Aren’t women allowed differences of opinion, debate, to discuss tricky issues? Or is that just the remit of men?

Me too. It's someone getting dopamine hits off upsetting people online.

Why only on their 20s? Seems like you want to slag off other women rather genuine sympathy.

True, we may look and feel younger than our mothers did at our age but that doesn’t mean our reproductive systems aren’t ageing.

This thread is fucking awful.

Everyone needs to stay out of everyone else's business. That goes for the whole of social media.

This isn't a respectful dialogue. It's a tactless, insensitive barrage of unwanted opinions.

Agree with all of this. Also evident by one or two lashing out at op being a young mum. Can't claim the moral high ground.

It hurts to admit The downsides of our life choices, but every choice has an opportunity cost. Young mums admit it. Many older mums refuse.

So what? We should invalidate the pain of infertility just because some guides tell us that women age? Again, you have no idea what you are talking about and the more you post, the more you come across as insensitive.
At the end of the day why do you care and why should someone be more entitled to hope or hurt more? Who are you to judge women's choices?