To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.

[Laneyy]

Preparing to be flamed It's very sad when someone cannot conceive aged 40+ but to compared to someone in their 20s/30s isn't fair. Especially when the infertility is secondary It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving. So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but stasticially it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s.

Have you experienced infertility? Do you have any idea what that means?
If not, just mind your business!

Why can't we just be sympathetic towards ANY person suffering infertility?

I know a lot of women from school and uni who moved to London from Yorkshire and are all still childless but definitely want kids one day, we are all approaching 40 and they think they have all the time in the world. It's normal now for women to have careers etc which is great but mother nature hasn't changed. I wish it was more well known how much fertility can decline.

I have one DD that I had when I was 20 but yes there's a good chance I won't be able to have anymore children because of medical issues. I'm so grateful to have my DD. Although MN is very against young pregnancy. If I had waited until now I'm 29 then there's a chance I would have been childless.

Are you deliberately trying to be hurtful? As someone who has had miscarriages in their 20s,30s and 40s and still no living children you can just fuck off.

So you are suggesting that people should be more sympathetic to you having secondary infertility than a women with secondary infertility in her 40’s ?

awful attitude if so

But how do you know which situation someone is in?

For plenty of people, infertility and pregnancy loss are mostly private experiences; the times they become visible are either when it's a late loss, or when you've gone down the road of trying this and trying that and IUI and so on, and you've got to the point where it's harder to hide what's going on.

I don't want anyone to feel empathy for me. I'm not bothered it's one of those things. If I would have waited I could have ended up with none.

@Laneyy I can’t comprehend why someone who had a child at 20 is writing a post about people who have infertility at an older age?

"Preparing to be flamed"

I am guessing just for the reaction.... 🙄

Just a bored and unpleasant person it seems

Totally this!

To quote a song - Don't berate yourself or congratulate yourself, your choices are half chance or luck like everybody else.

We started TTC at 30, many losses and 6 rounds of IVF we had our daughter at 41.

This really is quite a nasty thread.

So you dont have any idea what experiencing infertility is after posting such a hurtful thread? You had a child at 20 with no issues. Congrats

For those that experience it it's sad no matter what their age. You can in private think that the 40 year old shouldn't have left it till late 30s to try but not everyone's life follows a linear path. Some people, shock horror don't meet the right person till they are that bit older. I have 3 kids, started at 28. My dear friend is same age as me (36) and is struggling trying to conceive her first. Is she less worthy because she is older than I was when she tried to conceive? Secondary infertility causes a lot of grief for those who experience it, is it more painful than primary infertility, I don't know.

I know people in my personal life and I see posts on here. It's like the elephant in the room, I know it's very sad for people. I don't understand the surprise of it though. It's a scientific fact that fertility declines I'm not sure why people would be very surprised not to conceive quickly at older ages..

As someone who had primary and secondary infertility secondary was FAR harder and I wish people would get over this 'you have one' thing, that's WHY its harder.

You can't live a childfree life, can't avoid the obvious triggers, you have your kid constantly asking why they dont have siblings like everyone else and everyone constantly belittles your struggle and tells you your 'ungrateful' and a 'bad parent' for wanting just a completely normal thing everyone else isn't judged for.

You have no way to protect yourself against the onslaught with secondary where as with primary you can carry on as always (holidays away, adult nights out, hobbies... your not spending your weekdays surrounded by pregnant people on the school run and your weekends at the park/softplay etc... every waking minute being reminded that your trapped in limbo).

I also hate the 'you're young'... fertility stuff is aimed at the older demographic, if I had a pound for everytime in the decade of trying a medical professional belittled my infertility by saying 'theres no rush your young' and sending me away I could have afforded IVF a lot sooner.

Yes I was young when I started trying in my teens, specifically because I DIDN'T want to be a 40 year old mam and knew given other in my family it could take a while but when you have had infertility for 13 years I dont want to here 'but your still young, you have time' because Im not yet 40, yes I also had time 13 years ago too and that all bloody ebbed away trying unsuccessfully.

Prepare for a flaming, OP. We’re not allowed to discuss the pitfalls of ttc/motherhood when older, only when too ‘young’. But YANBU as the votes show (few will dare venture this opinion though).

I think women are now so used to ‘feeling’ younger for longer, that they can’t cope with the fact their body doesn’t match. Reproductively speaking 40 is old, and no amount out ‘it’s unfair’ will change that.

One of my friends told me yesterday that at 31 she’s ‘definitely not ready’ for children yet, but wants them ‘one day’.

As someone who had primary and secondary infertility secondary was FAR harder and I wish people would get over this 'you have one' thing, that's WHY its harder.

Would you rather have stayed childfree then, than had one child?

No. It's really sad at any age to not be able to conceive. And given how hard it is to become financially secure these days, it's nobody's fault that they leave having babies later. For what it's worth I've had miscarriages in my teens, twenties and thirties so the fertility problems I'm having now are unlikely to be to do with my age, it's just that most people don't find out when they are young that there's something wrong.

First comment has it one.
Isn't it 30 fertility starts to decline? 35+ what do people expect? If they do manage to fall pregnant it would be classed as a geriatric pregnancy!
Someone struggling with infertility because they're getting older isn't the same as someone in their 20s struggling for other reasons.

I disagree sorry. Nothing is as bad as not having a baby when everyone else seem to be having one. Trying for a second was not as bad. I was jealous of those of more than one but it doesn't compare. I needed to have IVF for my second as well as my first.

Op I never thought about it this way but your post makes a lot of sense. The next time a 40+ woman talks to me about her trouble conceiving I will be sure to remind her that she should have known better especially at her age (!!!) and shouldn't complain as it is self inflicted (or at least has been self inflicted for 40-x years). From now on I will save my sympathy for younger women struggling to conceive. Obviously, my capacity for sympathy and kindness is limited so I must make sure that I find worthy recipients.

I would rather have not had a decade trapped alone in mental hell where my body failed and everyone repetetivly kicks you while your down about how ungrateful you are for having no control over your own life and body.

With primary I had some control, I could wake up and go live my adult life and not be beaten around the head constantly with the worst thing about my life.

I had cancer in the time of infertility and it was 100% easier to handle that than secondary infertility, people really have zero idea how brutal it is and their ignorant views designed to keep us down is part of what makes it so hard.

TTC throughout my 30s, several rounds of IVF and suffered a few miscarriages.
I was alright to be sad about this and lauded as a tragic infertile person by society until the minute I turned 40 where upon I should have just got over it because I'm "old" now and "what did I expect?"

Gotcha OP.

This is a really nasty and mean spirited thread.

You cant 'disagree' with my life experiance... it isnt up for debate.