To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.

[Laneyy]

Preparing to be flamed It's very sad when someone cannot conceive aged 40+ but to compared to someone in their 20s/30s isn't fair. Especially when the infertility is secondary It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving. So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but stasticially it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s.

Just another thing to pit women against each other.

I don't feel this way. I'm eternally grateful I have one healthy child, she's loved , we are very financially comfortable. It could be a lot worse. The decision I made when I was 20 to continue with a pregnancy I was told not too that it would ruin my life. This would later turn out to be perhaps the only chance I had to have a child.

Okay I will say that primary infertility is a hell of a lot worse than secondary IMO. You might have been able to escape but I had so many people I know getting pregnant and there wasn't any escape (siblings!).

The comments on this post just prove that everyone has different situations or struggles so why are we still comparing

I was told while struggling with primary infertility that secondary was worse because I didn’t know what I was missing. I suppose it’s true but it’s not a kind thing to say to someone in that situation.

IT sounds like you just want to be smug that you continued with the pregnancy. A kind of "told you so" to prove you were right to make the decision you did.
And you probaby were. For you. But that doesn't give you any kind of entitlement to judge other women and their age or fertility. Which is exactly what you are doing.

I was unable to have children in my 20s, my 30s and my 40s. It made no difference how old I was, it just hurt.

I think we need to ensure that young women are educated on how fertility decreases with age and that it is much harder to get pregnant in your forties than in your twenties. I know three women in their 40s who have recently tried to have children. One had no problems, another had IVF and the third has not been able to conceive. She has had an amazing life, with a great career and lots of wonderful holidays, and she just saw this as the next stage of her life. She's been told that her age is against her and she's absolutely heartbroken. It never occurred to her that it would be a problem. She just wishes she could turn the clock back. I am so sorry for her, as it's devastating.

We do need to ensure that women are educated on this. When I was born in the late 1960s my mother was the oldest mother (by a long way) in the maternity ward. She was 36.

Yup

I think I have understood the question opposite to the majority of people on MN.
I am a very literal person though

To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.?

I voted YABU.

Because comparing is to look at two things and focus on their similarities. So what’s wrong about looking at infertility at any age and saying they have way more similarities than differences and so deserve same compassion?

Everyone seems to be interpreting the question as is it wrong to contrast (not compare) older infertility to younger? Which is the look at two things and focus on the differences between them in order to justify different reactions/levels of compassion that everyone seems to be understanding the question as asking, even though in the literal sense; it isn’t asking that.

That’s not what compare means, that would be contrasting, not comparing, see my longer explanation above.

This just strikes me as really silly. You can't draw comparisons without being aware of contrasts.

Who does compare? This op is the first time I've seen a comparison. I think it's crass.

The act of comparing is to consider or describe two things as similar, equal, or analogous; to liken. The act of contrasting is to set in opposition in order to show or emphasize differences.

You are not comparing when you note differences, you are contrasting.

You can't draw comparisons without being aware of contrasts. this is beside the point as in yes your brain automatically does both, but the question wasn’t asking for both, just comparing.

Agree. The subject of human biology isn't being taught well.

It's a shame as it's one of the most interesting fields of science.
Not just reproduction but how all the systems work, organs, blood, bones, etc.

Me too I agree with you OP.

Of course, both are painful, and I wouldn't minimise either. But yes I think they aren't the same.

I had a 15 year gap, it is still an unpleasant thing to say when someone is going through a threatened miscarriage or a miscarriage. What does precious imply?

The other woman was in the bed next to me, she'd have been at school 15 years earlier so I don't think how long she'd been trying was the issue.

No, I think she has a point. It’s never really the right time to have a baby, but I feel some people who look disparagingly on ‘younger’ (under 30 these days) mums because ‘they didn’t have the perfect man/job/house that I’m waiting for’, may not feel the same way some years down the line.

Out of 100 women who were in my year group at school (grammar, very middle class), I think only 10% of us have children. We’re in our early 30s. Many of my friends still ‘feel too young’ or ‘wouldn’t have time’ for a baby. Which is fine - but I don’t think they’re actually aware of what’s going on with their ovaries. They think because they wear fashionable clothes and feel 22 that their bodies are the same. They’re not.

Of course for most of them things will work out and they will have a baby or two. But they will run a much higher risk of miscarriages, stressful high risk pregnancies, emergency caesareans and no luxury of time afterwards to decide if they want another. All the late 30s new mums I know started trying again when the baby was 6 months old ‘because time isn’t on our side’.

I know a few people disapproved when I got pregnant with DD in my mid 20s, but she’s now over 3 and I feel I’ve really enjoyed her younger years rather than rushing to have another. Now nearly 20 weeks pregnant with number 2 and feel ready to do it all again.

And it isn’t ‘smugness’ any more than somebody in a great career or relationship recommending what worked for them. I don’t want my friends to miss out on something because society was too busy ‘not being judgemental’ to be honest with them.

I would be very careful about telling your daughter to freeze eggs. I froze my eggs at 32, defrosted them to use at 37 and they all died, couldn't be used at all. Infertility at any age is heartbreaking. Being cheated on and then dumped by a long term partner and fiancee, then having to recover from this meant I was 35 before I met my partner. I know people who haven't manged to conceive in their late 30s because they've been trying since their 20s, because their husband has died, because relationships fell apart and all sorts. Give everyone sympathy and compassion rather than try to compare suffering.

I think the way that people are taught about contraception does make it seem like getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world when it often isn't.

Infertility is painful at any age, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to dictate who is more worthy of feeling pain based on their age. I don’t see how anyone could possibly benefit from saying stuff like this unless they just enjoy being contrary for their own amusement.

I tried to get pregnant from the age of 34. I didn't try before then, because I hadn't met someone I wanted to have kids with. By the time I was 43, we'd tried pretty much everything - NHS and private. I had two miscarriages, but never a pregnancy that lasted beyond 14 weeks.

In what way would you think I was/am ok with that? It didn't get easier as I got older; it got worse... Y'know, because of the added pressure of knowing that time was running out....

Oh, and my relationship broke up because of all of the pressures/stresses on trying to have a baby.

I agree. I went through a very similar journey to you, though I married younger than you, at 33. I was infertile, no eggs; whether it would have been different if I’d met my DH sooner who can tell? I suspect not, though. (We’ve since adopted and have 2 DDs of 13 and 10.)

Why make comparisons? Infertility is always very painful whatever the age!

Our society has real issues with the concept of aging. It's almost like we think we can ward it off with the right attitude and staying hip and cool.

In biological terms, fertility decreases significantly at 40+. The responses by women here seem to be be very specific to their own situations, however looking at it from a general perspective and not in isolation, the facts are that biological reproduction decreases as age increases. Its sad regardless of when someone is infertile, but it shouldn't be a surprise for someone who is older if they struggle to conceive. This doesn't negate their pain, but I think more education should be given to women who think fertility is a guarantee or easy when they wish to start trying etc. Moral of the story us, if you can have kids younger, and you want them, then have them sooner rather than later. Of course, before anyone says what about if I don't have partner etc, then that's just the way it goes, again, this is a majority perspective not individual circumstances.