To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.

[Laneyy]

Preparing to be flamed It's very sad when someone cannot conceive aged 40+ but to compared to someone in their 20s/30s isn't fair. Especially when the infertility is secondary It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving. So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but stasticially it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s.

I hate the phrase ‘women are choosing’ like they could do it at 20 but couldn’t be arsed

i didn’t meet a man I wanted to HAVE children with until I was 30

but it just feeds into the sly narrative that’s it’s all about ambitious career driven harpies putting it off for financial gain tut tut - nasty stuff

Obviously wanting children and not being able to have them is awful at any age and some level of struggle to conceive at a more advanced age is an expectation rather than a surprise to most people.

I do agree OP but it's an inconvenient truth that many don't want to hear

I don't think if you are struggling to conceive over age 40 that you are "infertile"....you are just old (in fertility terms) and I don't think it can be compared to someone decades younger who is also struggling to conceive

There is a reason why IVF isn't funded by the NHS in women in their 40s it's because the success rates are woeful because they are biologically past peak fertility

I'm not being smug if I had listened to society or MN I would have probably ended up childless or with a long battle . I have a good career , a owned home , go on multiple holidays. My life turned out fine despite having my DD young, it didn't ruin my life. You never know what's round the corner. I don't think there's ever a 100 percent perfect time to have a baby.

At my consultation with gynaecology when asked if I wanted more children. I said I wouldn't be utterly heartbroken because I already have been blessed with one.

There’s also the issue of donor eggs. It seems to be a natural progression from unsuccessful IVF now. But it brings huge ethical and emotional complexities. It’s confusing that on MN women are urged to reconsider or think through pregnancies because they’re from a one night stand, or because the dad is an arsehole - ‘How do you think the baby will feel about that growing up?’. But ask the same question about donor conception, even respectfully, and it’s all ‘’ or ‘ODFOD’.

I'm 40 and currently TTC. Am I aware it probably won't work due to my age? Yes. Would I have preferred to have done this earlier? Yes.

I wanted children for as long as I can remember. But I never met anyone to have them with when I was younger. Should I have had unprotected sex with a random? Someone I didn't like and knew i wouldn't be with? Should I have had it while I was earning minimum wage living with parents?

I was with someone at 29 who said they loved me and wanted a family with me. I got pregnant accidentally and he turned on me. I miscarried anyway but that relationship was over. I found it hard to find and trust someone for a long time after that.

I have a lovely house and well paid career. Would I say to someone who didn't have those things at 40 because they had children young "well what did you expect by doing that?" No I wouldn't.
I find it horrible that people judge older women TTC. I'm sure there are some people out there who don't realise at 40+ it'll be hard/ wont work. But I can guarantee you that the majority know. And they wish they could done it younger.

Saying that it hurts more when younger is bollocks. It hurt in my 20s that I never met anyone and that when I did i miscarried and he left. It hurt in my 30s that I still hadn't found anyone. It's hurting now I have found someone but it's likely too late.

I'd have given anything to have had children younger. But life didn't work out that way. So I'm trying now. Whether it will work or not who knows.

I really really doubt that this is a good faith thread.

So it is an "I told you so"/ "I was right you were wrong point"? Well done for making a decision that was right for you. It still comes across smug to essentially say "I did it when I was young - even though everyone told me not to - and therefore I am not childless. You didn't therefore you are and I don't feel sorry for you. I was right you were wrong".

I do find that weird why is a ONS so unacceptable on here but a donor perfectly fine even encouraged? My OH is my DDs father so not relatable but I could see women would choose to continue a pregnancy from a ONS.

No, it’s a cautionary tale for women who might find themselves pregnant in their 20s but feel pressured by society to terminate because of career/travelling/not owning a home.

And one which I think is every bit as valid as cautionary tales of crap men/poor financial choices etc. which are rife on here.

What's your point?

Out of the two I think a ONS is ‘preferable’ - there are no legal constraints stopping the baby from finding its dad, the mother can apply for child maintenance etc.

Of course it isn't.

Threads don’t neatly divide into ‘good faith’ or ‘malevolent’, some are just discussions/debates, others are to have a moan. It’s your choice whether to partake or not. It’s a good system.

If motherhood’s not right in your 20s then it’s not right. You can’t make decisions in your 20s based on hypothetical future situations that may never arise you can only do what feels right at the time .

Of course you can! How often do you hear ‘don’t be a SAHM in case he leaves you’ ‘make sure you have life insurance’ ‘make sure you’re married first in case of a split’ and so on?

Ok, sorry, let me be more blunt: I think that this thread was created for the sole purpose of creating controversy and upsetting an already upset group of people. I do not think it is a 'good faith' discussion/debate in the sense that I do not think that the OP actually wants to discuss the topic, so much as wants to kick the boot into women who are struggling to conceive at 40+.

What else shall we discuss - is it worse to lose a parent in your 20s or in your 30s? I don't know, infertility fucking sucks. How much it sucks and for who depends on loads and loads of factors. For some it's devestating in their 20s and remains devestating forever. For some finding out early means they can build their lives around other goals, and be more or less happy with their lives by the time they hit 40. For some finding out about infertility later is devestating and remains devestating for ever. It just seems like a pointless discussion.

If the OP wrote: AIBU to think that celebrities having babies in their late 40s and the middle class social pressure to travel, build career, have perfect house before having a baby perhaps leads to some women missing their fertility window - sure, that's a conversation. I actually do think that as women we should be told the stats early. But this is not what the OP is asking, they are asking.

How do you know they weren't trying since their twenties you insensitive prat.

Also, is it sadder when someone has a decade or two to explore options and keep trying, or no time at all.

Yep you are right there.

(Also OP, I hope your dad spunks your inheritance fuding BOTH your sisters ivf)

If the OP wrote: AIBU to think that celebrities having babies in their late 40s and the middle class social pressure to travel, build career, have perfect house before having a baby perhaps leads to some women missing their fertility window - sure, that's a conversation. I actually do think that as women we should be told the stats early. But this is not what the OP is asking, they are asking

But if she asked that she would get exactly the same responses ‘this is just a sly dig at older mums’.

The fact is older mums don’t want anyone else discussing the topic of older motherhood, or warning younger women because it feels personal and hurts their feelings. Which is understandable, but it’s a really important discussion to have with women currently in their 20s and early 30s.

So many of life’s heartbreaks are caused by our own choices but are you really saying we should have no empathy for anyone ever because if they’d made different choices their lives would be better?

I'm really not sure what the point of your post is OP; it's not a competition. Fertility at any age if you want children is heartbreaking. Yes there is a biological clock, but there's also a narrative of 'selfish/foolish women prioritising career and putting off starting a family' - some people (myself included) met our partner later in life, so what are we supposed to do?

Ok I’ll rephrase. Decisions on whether or not to terminate a pregnancy in your 20s shouldn’t be based on “what if I can’t get pregnant when I actually want to”. They should be based on what feels right at the time.

you see celebrities having their first baby at 45 even 50 and they think that could be me

I've never met anyone who thinks that way.