To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.

[Laneyy]

Preparing to be flamed It's very sad when someone cannot conceive aged 40+ but to compared to someone in their 20s/30s isn't fair. Especially when the infertility is secondary It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving. So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but stasticially it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s.

I’m so sorry. Men who run down women’s clocks for their own selfish reasons, deserve a special place in hell in my opinion.

What an awful thread. What awful people some of you are.

Actually there's a chance I won't be able to have anymore children because of recurring abnormal cells . That unplanned pregnancy when I was 20 9 years ago which would have been sacrilege on MN turned out very well. It might be the only chance I had to have a child so I'm very happy I went ahead. She's the light of my life .Although many on MN would have said it was the worst decision I made. We have a household income of 6 figures and a comfortable life. I might only have 1 child but I can live with that if I would have waited like most of MN advocate I could have ended up childless.

Not always the case I tried for 7 years from the age of 33 to 40 and I was undiagnosed with under active thyroid and got pregnant at 40 women for years have had babies in their 40's it is not all easy and yes I had ivf at 44 and had a baby at 45

Every case is individual. I started at 31, had my daughter aged 39 natural pregnancy. So aged 38 you'd probably be thinking I should have tried earlier, I did, and I had miscarriages and failed IVF along the way. Just mind your own frigging business. What difference does it really make any way?

I think this assumes that women who are trying to conceive in their 40s somehow delayed or put it off on purpose. Some women don't meet their partners till their late 30s/early 40s and I would imagine that TTC is just as painful then as it would be for someone in their 20s. Not being able to have a child (when you want one) is a difficult journey at any age. I don't see the difference.

I think you're misunderstanding the term 'precious pregnancy'. It doesn't mean your baby is any less or more important than any other; it simply refers to how long it's taken TTC, any medical problems etc. My pregnancy was classed as 'precious' after many years of infertility, but that was down to my medical history.

YABU.

Nobody should be trying to rank the severity / importance / sympathy worthiness of people's fertility problems by age.

Yanbu. I think it’s so important to publicise, and keep publicising, the fact that most women struggle to conceive in their forties but could have had an easy journey of it 10-20 years earlier. There’s so much avoidable heartbreak (and so much avoidable physical and financial pain from
IVF!)

I have secondary infertility and if I hadn’t felt so pressured by society/ employer/ family/ partner to leave having children until mid-thirties, I’d probably have been able to have more. I’m very bitter about it. And I feel so angry when I see people saying “just have IVF.” IVF didn’t work for me and worse left me in major physical pain for most of a year (plus cost £7k).

I see what you mean but don't think it's entirely fair. I tried to get pregnant for my entire 30s with no luck and a number of miscarriages but couldn't afford IVF until I was in my 40s then was able to have 2 children. So went from your young infertility group to the second, did I stop deserving of any empathy at that point? 🙄

Reported - what an utterly tone deaf thread aimed at kicking people when they’re down.

But surely the OP is referring to women who start TTC in their 40s not women who have been trying for a decade already. It will of course be harder to become pregnant at 44 than at 24.

Women cannot have it all. I chose to have babies younger and so my career is suffering. Some women wait until they are high fliers and then it's too late to have babies. We can't win!

I agree

We never know the full story. Some people meet their partners late, so it's not possible to TTC 10 years earlier. Some try since 20s unsuccessfully. Let's not judge too much, infertility is painful enough.

But you are comparing. You are saying don't compare, but then comparing them and saying one is worse/ more serious/ more worthy than the other. I think perhaps you should take your own advice.

Its tough as I still don't think a lot of women get the decline at 35. I have two friends both married and own their houses but keep putting it off as want a few more years just them they are 32 and 33 so if they do have issues the longer they wait the harder it will be :(

I do feel really sad for anyone who doesn't get to have DC who wanted them whether due to circumstances dictating when they started TTC or infertility whenever they start TTC or just not meeting anyone to have DC with and never even having the chance to try.

I started TTC DC2 aged 39 and gave birth aged 41 after a few MCs. I didn't call myself infertile or compare my journey with others who didn't have any DC or started younger but it was obviously still really sad about the MCs and potentially never having DC2.

I started at 38 because I thought that would be ok. I’d been with my partner since uni but life got in the way and I didn’t feel in a hurry. 1 pregnancy, 2 fails rounds of IVF and 4 years later I do wish I started earlier. I wish I’d stayed in our small house, I’d happily be rung or two down on the career ladder.

I also wish my DH had started earlier as his sperm count was one of the reasons, as well as my low reserve and 38-40 year old eggs.

I kind of get what you're saying if it's that not being able to conceive at 40+ isn't necessarily "infertility" (in the sense that something that should be working reproductively isn't). The vast majority of women would struggle to conceive beyond early 40s so it's to be expected and therefore not the same pain as discovering you're medically infertile in your 20s.

I experienced secondary infertility at 33 years old. It took us 4 years to conceive, eventually with IVF so our infertility was definitely not age related but I don’t see how the pain would be any different for an older woman? For women who don’t find their partner till they are in their 40s. why do they need the added judgment of it being their fault somehow??? Life just worked out that way.

Infertility is infertility and it sucks no matter what age you are. One thing I would say though is I do think the empty arms phase of no baby is a lot more painful than secondary infertility. I could have coped with never having another but I would have been devastated at not having any.

Oh and I had 5 miscarriages too

I hate the whole 'my bad' is worse than 'your bad.'
Can we please just not.

And if you are going to compare, why is age the only factor you think deserves to be blamed on the non-conceiving woman? What about other factors that impact fertility? Is it just older women who should just blame themselves, or anyone who may have made lifestyle choices that impact fertility?

YABU to judge anyone else’s fertility. You very likely have no idea of their personal life circumstances at age 40 or any time before then. Mind your own business!

The post I read yesterday was comparing a mid-20s woman going through ivf vs an early-40s woman trying for baby #4. Although both awful, these simply don't compare imo.