To think people should stop comparing older infertility to younger.

[Laneyy]

Preparing to be flamed It's very sad when someone cannot conceive aged 40+ but to compared to someone in their 20s/30s isn't fair. Especially when the infertility is secondary It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving. So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but stasticially it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s.

I didn't meet my husband until I was 35. How would I have been trying to conceive before then💁

Not sure there is really a need for a thread on this, you aren’t wrong but it’s just ugly and unnecessary really isn’t it? There was also a thread on it yesterday. I’m sure infertility is heartbreaking at any age, not sure it’s necessary to try and make people who are struggling feel worse.

This!
I can't imagine it's any less emotionally painful and upsetting, just because one infertile person is older than another.

But would you have been shocked if you couldnt?

Finding out you cant get pregnant at 25 is a bit if a shock. Finding out when you're 40 is expected.

Doesnt change the hurt either way. Its heartbreaking. But women are, more and more, CHOOSING to wait until 35/40 before trying and then feel shocked as well as heartbroken when it doesnt happen. But, by that age, the clock is very much running out. Even with IVF, the chances are tiny percentages. It's not the heartbreak that I question, it's the surprise that it isnt working. Why surprised?

Rapidly declines from 30. Higher risk pregnancy and chances of disabilities. People might not like it but fertility isn't a luxury we all have.

I totally agree

What a ridiculous thing to say. I know lots of women in their 20s myself included, who weren't emotionally immature when they had kids. I was 28 when I had my first

This is more what I'm saying being told you are infertile at 25 or 30 would be a massive shock. 40+ it's widely known scientifically your fertility declines. It's still very sad but surely not a massive shock? Is it because many celebrities have babies over 40 but many would be using donor eggs or surrogates. I will be having the chat with my daughter if she wants to/needs to wait to look at egg freezing or embryo freezing.

Should we say the same to men? Western sperm counts are declining rapidly. They should get a move on.

When is the right time? I had my first when I was a teenager, too young you say, I had my last at nearly 40, too late you say. One doctor actually said, "You had one when you were too young and now you're having one when you're too old." I asked him when I should have done it, 28? 25 years 3 months 1 week 2 days? How specific did he want to be. He walked off.

There are probably many many reasons why people try to conceive at any particular time. It's their business and not for others to judge their sadness or joy at the outcome.

I think virtually no one purposely waits until their 40s to try for a baby. There will have been a reason, such as not meeting a suitable man, why it was left until late. I have enough sympathy to go around, infertility is always heart breaking.

I will be having the chat with my daughter if she wants to/needs to wait to look at egg freezing or embryo freezing.

Which is great, I believe these discussions should happen when women are younger.
However, embryo freezing is costly, and I'd imagine many women in their 20s wouldn't be able to afford it, or they would rather put the money towards a house deposit, especially with ever-increasing house prices.

What’s the cut off OP point for being allowed to be upset at infertility? 30 ok but 31 not? I think infertility is upsetting at any age. Why the need for comparison anyway it’s not a race to the bottom.

More needs to be done to stop the narrative that women can easily conceive in their mid/late thirties. Some can, they’ll be on to tell me now. Many can’t.

If you want to give yourself the best chance of having children you’re better off starting a bit earlier. I know it’s not always possible but sometimes it is, with some prioritising over other things.

There’s this idea on mumsnet that women (it’s never men) start families in their late 30s/early 40s because they were prioritising other things and should therefore take some blame when they struggle to conceive.

this may be a proportion- but the vast majority of people I personally know in this situation, and it’s anecdotal I know; didn’t meet anybody before then. What should they have done? Had kids with the wrong person? I’d argue that’s far worse!

Yes, women, especially women over 40, are very, very stupid aren’t they? 🙄

You really think that women in their 40s are too thick to understand their fertility has declined? Well thank you for sharing the wisdom of youth, how would we cope without you.

Everyone I know who had trouble or found it impossible to conceive started in their 20s or early 30s.

And people who started on the later side of ttc was because they hadn't found a partner who they wanted to settle with or vice versa until later. I don't know of anyone who put it off until their 40s because of career etc, it was their circumstances. And in the case of a few friends, they never found anyone to have kids with.

Luck plays the biggest part in all this, at every stage. So stop judging and be grateful if you haven't struggled.

THIS. I actually think this message does need to be put out more. Women need to be aware of the increased risk of miscarriage and disabilities when picking an older man to have a baby with, and men need to be reminded that they’re not super humans unimpaired by age.

I think times have changed- 20+ years ago women were able to be financially stable and have a home in their 20s. Could afford to live on 1 income- etc.

These days career ladders and house prices make it more and more difficult to be in a comfortable situation to have a baby before your mid 30s.

Infertility is distressing at any age. But it's a fact that as you get to that point in life your fertility is going to decline. It's shit.

I don't think you're wrong in that infertility in your 40s is not biologically surprising - part of the pain of it when you're younger is that you're 'supposed' to be able to concieve in your 20s, 30s, there's a sense of something you were meant to have being unfairly taken from you.

In your 40s it's not a given, so there's not the 'You are biologically meant to be able to do this' in the same. But that doesn't make it less painful on an individual level, does it? The facts of it don't make it emotionally easier.

So comparing is futile - knowing you're statistically more likely to struggle with infertility in your 40s won't make you want a child less.

This.
I started fertility investigations at 27. IUI x2, then IVF x 3. A couple of miscarriages. Gave up in early 40s. People who didn’t know me would ask (rudely) if I tried when I was younger, I could have got pregnant if I’d carried on.
Hurtful no matter who says it. It’s irrelevant at what age you discover you can’t have a child if you have wanted one.

Finding you have fertility issues in your 20s gives a higher chance of being able to address those issues than finding out in your 40s
Pass me my arse

^^
Well yes this is true but also by not finding out about fertility until your 40's doesn't mean you didn't have it in your 20's.
I started ttc at 26 and had ivf at 28 and a successful pregnancy. I still have the same medical issue now at 40. Doing standard fertility tests in your 20's wouldn't have found what I had. I needed scans/ hysteroscopy amongst other medical treatments.

@Cluelessdiyer

I feel really sorry for all the children born to emotionally immature women in theirs 20s.

Speak for yourself! I had my dc at 28. I was married, owned my own home, had 2 degrees , great career and was financially sorted. What's immature about that?

Exactly this. We’ve been trying since 25, I’m now approaching 35 and still trying. What level of sympathy do you propose for us OP?

I was desperate to conceive at 27, sadly my then partner of ten years wasn’t but he strung me along with hope for 3 years. I had to get the courage to leave him, get over heartbreak, meet DP asap and then he wanted to feel ready i.e. confident in our relationship (not unreasonably) and we started to conceive at 37, that was too late. I was aware all along that my fertility was declining and was an anxious mess about it. A fertility MOT said I was all good but what it couldn’t tell me was that despite having lots of eggs, they were actually shitty so it gave me false hope that my AMH was great. 12 losses later, I am even more of a mess and frankly don’t want to carry on existing. Tell me why my pain is lesser than that of a 20 year old?

I'm really not sure what value there is in grading the level of upset which results from infertility.

I can't think of anyone who isn't aware that age is a major factor in fertility and who wouldn't factor their expectations of outcome but the upset that results is a personal matter and of no business of others to judge.