Being honest, if it didn't hurt anyone would you want this?

[Blubba]

I was thinking about this last night and although I absolutely love my husband, if I knew it wouldn't hurt him, I'd love to have a more open relationship and I wondered how many people would also prefer that if they knew it wouldn't cause upset / hurt to their spouse or partner?

In reality, my husband would never agree and so I'd never bring it up as I know it would cause an issue the fact I'd even brought it up but in an alternate universe where it wouldn't cause any upset, I think I'd prefer it to a complete monogamy.

Anyone else?

YABU - Even if I could do so without causing any problems in my relationship, I still wouldn't.

YANBU - I would prefer a more open relationship IF it didn't affect my current relationship/marriage.

For me it's a no. I find it difficult to be with someone sexually if I don't feel safe with an emotional connection. People are different so I'd say on past experiences it'll probably be split thoughts on it. Although if your OH doesn't agree, you either can't act on it or find someone who does.

Its such a radical and loving way to live your life..if done right

I find this quite hard to believe, and it’s probably quite rare.

I suspect in most “open relationships “ there is one partner who wants to sleep around and they’ve persuaded or pressured the other to plaster a smile on and put up with it and gush to all their friends how great/open minded it is..

Sometimes a spouse agrees to an open relationship to accommodate their partner’s affair.
Sometimes it’s a way to avoid divorce by leading relatively separate lives whilst keeping the convenience and financial benefits of a marriage.

Its rare for couples to marry in the knowledge that they’re both going to bring other sexual partners into the marriage. Therefore something has happened to trigger that later decision.

If you are going to do open relationships, I think this genuine polyamorous set up is the only way to do it. And I suspect few have the right personalities to make this work. You hear so many accounts of people who have opened the relationship as one or both partners liked the idea of shagging around and then it all goes wrong due to unrealistic expectations that they should never form feelings for the new 'partners' (which is a bloody horrible way to treat another human anyway, 'I will have sex with you but never form feelings for you) and then one of them does.

Agree

It’s not for me. I think you can look at it two ways: 1- sex is nothing to do with romantic love, it’s just scratching an itch- in which case to me it’s easy enough to get over needing to scratch and your relationship should be important enough to do that. Or 2- sex is inextricably linked to romantic love, and the more sexually involved you are with someone, the more likely you are to fall in love with them. In which case, how could you be happy for your partner to open themselves to that? Either way, it doesn’t work.

In general, tbh, the older I get, the more I’m of the opinion that focusing too much on sex and not enough on everything else is quite an adolescent mindset, and something you should really start growing out of at some point. I’m not saying it’s not important, but I have less and less sympathy for people prepared to risk everything in their lives and hurt everyone around them for the sake of a few orgasms.

Honestly who has the fucking time to put up with yet another man?

I have polygamous friends. They don't seem any happier.

I think it would be a big nope from either of us.
While we both enjoy the physical aspect of our marriage its not the main focus of it so relationships with others isn't appealing.

Polyamorous couples in bad relationships generally have the same problems as monogamous couples in bad relationships: one person feeling like they do more than their share of housework / childcare; financial issues; mental health problems; work problems and so on. Likewise, they generally break up over the same issues. I don’t think it’s particularly surprising that simply having the option to have sex with more than one person doesn’t make you happy if the rest of your relationship or life is a bit shit.

I agree, I think the idea of 'two people in a monogamous relationship' as the ultimate societal goal (especially for women) is damaging all round: for people who might be happier single, AND for people who might actually be happier with multiple partners but don't want to be seen as weird/greedy/promiscuous.

I don't think there's no point being with someone if you'd prefer to have relationships with others, though. Romantic relationships are the only ones where we insist that having only one is better or more enriching than having multiple: we can easily see how having multiple friends, often playing different roles (the one you go out with, the one you confide in about things, the work friend, the one you'd bury a body for) is enriching and good for you and healthy. We'd say it was weird to expect one friend to be absolutely everything to you at the expense of everyone else. I think romantic relationships absolutely can be the same: some people like each other enough and click in some ways to want to be together romantically/sexually, but it doesn't mean they fulfil every single aspect of that perfectly - lots of people would say that meant they shouldn't be together, but I don't personally think that's necessarily true. I said upthread - how many people are in marriages where the sex is dreadful or non-existent but they otherwise adore their partner and life together, but feel as though they have to end it because one aspect isn't right? If they could seek that elsewhere and everyone was happy with the arrangement, you get two people who otherwise want to be together who get to stay together, and they also get other relationship needs/wants fulfilled elsewhere, so they're happier overall... sounds bloody brilliant, doesn't mean their love of their primary partner and their life together is any less real, just that they're no longer missing something.

(Obviously, lots of people are happily in monogamous relationships where their partner fulfills the vast majority of their emotional and physical needs and that's great - but LOTS aren't!)

No, it isn't something I would want. I'm not judging others who want an open relationship, it just isn't for me.

God, no - not interested in any man alive other than DH. I never would have got married if I had any interest in anyone else, either real or imagined - I mean why would you even get married? - I would have stayed single. if I lost DH I would never have another partner. Not interested.

Yep. I don't think marriage and monogamy are a great institution. But polyamory doesnt strike me as better.

Serious and totally non snidey question; do you think being together all the time might be behind the problem? Being so familiar/enmeshed might create a dynamic where the physical side gets lost/backburnered.

Please ignore me if you think I'm wrong, it was just a thought, given your relationship sounds otherwise good!

I haven't done it but usually when I meet or hear of someone who is in a LTR (married or otherwise) and wants to keep that LTR but also wants to play away with "no consequences" it is usually because they have either not appreciated or if they have appreciated they are not prepared to actually acknowledge what they do in reality have with their partner in their LTR.

YABU. I’m with DH becuse I love him and want to share my life with him. I don’t want to go around shagging others.

Oh, I don’t think she meant it as a description of polyamory, but of “natural” not really being a garden of Eden scenario.

So I thought it was a description of ‘human nature’ back in prehistory where rapey men just had sex with any woman or man they fancied, and consent or sexual preferences of their objects of desire were not a consideration as it was brute force that mattered. And of course, no birth control other than infanticide.

But if I’m wrong, I’m sure she will correct me. ;)

I wouldn't want to date other people (the grim picture someone mentioned above of having to scroll through dating apps because you're "open") and I'd LOATHE having multiple partners who all know each other etc, but I would be happy if I could "go with it" if the situation went that way, perhaps when away for work etc and someone chats you up in a bar etc. I'm not sure what that would even be called though, maybe the don't ask don't tell someone posted above. So basically no to a poly relationship, yes to I guess "occasional allowed cheating" - one night stands only, probably.

As a PP said though I would hate my partner to behave that way, and I honestly don't think he'd want to really, so I would never suggest it. It would hurt him a lot because he'd see it as me saying he's not "enough". He is enough, he's incredible, but people all have different ways they feel about sex and I think I just naturally like variety (not just different people but different types of people) and look on sex as fun and non serious at that level when it's outside a relationship.

I wouldn’t like it at all if my dh did the same, so no.

I wouldn't do it - it's not for the lack of open mindedness (I have had threesomes and my tally of sexual partners is prob over 100). Because of my past history IME emotionless sex with someone unfamiliar and unconnected is rubbish and the opposite of 'fun'. It is awkward and uncomfortable and often your bodies physical reaction tells you that. Add to that the guilt of going back to your primary partner. Myself and the people I was having sex with weren't emotionally healthy, it wasn't radical or loving towards each other, our self or our partner. It was numbing and a way of avoiding real, hard to deal with truths about ourselves - there were concrete reasons why we 'liked' the lack of intimacy and authentic connection. I also think there is something about rejecting your primary partner as 'not enough' but I can't articulate it, it always felt shaming towards myself, my partner at the time, the person I had sex with and their partner if they were in a relationship. It's something about trust and shame but I can't say what. A gut feeling that felt bad.

I think if I was starting to think about and fantasize about it with soon to be DH, I would start examining how I felt about intimacy, commitment and connection a wider sense. I know myself enough to know if I was seeking an emotionally void physical connection with someone who isn't DP, I am not being as nice to myself as I want to be and was sabotaging authentic connection, my safety and trust with him - probably because I fear abandonment and like to strike first. I suppose if you don't have all that emotional baggage you might see it different but after trying it and the damage it did (not just towards myself but others I took along for the ride). I would advise to exercise caution in thinking it would be 'nice'.

Yes I OP agree. It’s something I’ve casually mentioned in the past but he wouldn’t be comfortable with it. Different circumstances for different people I suppose. But no, I don’t think humans are supposed to be monogamous.

The very fact that she knows this would hurt her husband and cause issues shows that she cares about her husband and isn't going to act on this apart from fantasising and discussing how others feel on here. it's great that you are very happy in your marriage and wouldn't in any circumstances want an open relationship, but that doesn't mean the op is wrong for how she feels and for some reason she believes she would possibly be happier if she had a more open relationship. She can't know that for sure and thats why she is exploring this in a safe space x

I'd quite like a girlfriend as well as a boyfriend 😁

This sounds like so much effort.

very few animals are (naturally monogamous)

Thats a moot point really. Very few humans act on all their primal urges, and often people that do are described as sociopathic. Humans have a vastly developed emotional intelligence. Otherwise we’d all be acting on animal urges to attack, steal, gorge on food, pleasure ourselves and mate with others without consent wouldn’t we?

I suppose that the ultimate question might be, would you be happy with your husband having sex with other women/ men / couples?