Being honest, if it didn't hurt anyone would you want this?

[Blubba]

I was thinking about this last night and although I absolutely love my husband, if I knew it wouldn't hurt him, I'd love to have a more open relationship and I wondered how many people would also prefer that if they knew it wouldn't cause upset / hurt to their spouse or partner?

In reality, my husband would never agree and so I'd never bring it up as I know it would cause an issue the fact I'd even brought it up but in an alternate universe where it wouldn't cause any upset, I think I'd prefer it to a complete monogamy.

Anyone else?

YABU - Even if I could do so without causing any problems in my relationship, I still wouldn't.

YANBU - I would prefer a more open relationship IF it didn't affect my current relationship/marriage.

Love and sex can be seperate but they also cross over in my opinion, so the danger of falling in love with someone else would be there. And where would the line be drawn? Are you allowed to text the other lovers, see them regularly? Or just meet up and have sex? I don't think it would work in reality. But you can dream op!

I'd forgotten how absolutely incapable some MNers are of conceiving of any other lifestyle, no matter how consensual and above board.

Mad isn't it?

The people I've met at these types of events or parties have been a million times more respectful than people I've met in normal clubs.

It definitely, definitely doesn't suit everyone. I never met anyone on the scene who thought everyone in the world should be doing it. And I found my own feelings changing as I began to think about children. I'm not interested in the idea now and nor is my husband. When the kids are older? I don't know. I'm not really thinking about it.

But it's intriguing to be reminded how so many people think it must be like, despite having absolutely no experience of it whatsoever.

Who wants to be the one to tell them how often they don't even serve alcohol on site?

It's much more common in gay/bi couples... because sex is for fun and not particularly for intimacy ( i guess). Emotional affairs are what gets called betrayal in many gay relationships (I gather).

Too much hassle for me but I can see how others might make it work fine.

It isn’t. And the very people who shouldn’t consider it are those who think it’s about “spicing up” a relationship which has run its natural course, or who aren’t having much or any sex with their partner as it is.

I truly don’t get why so many people have such strongly critical opinions on it or feel threatened by it, though. What possible concern of or threat is it to anyone else that on Saturday night DH and I went home with our friend Rachel and had a threesome? We’re not the Jehovah’s Witnesses, we don’t go door to door trying to recruit new members!

I truly don’t get why so many people have such strongly critical opinions on it or feel threatened by it, though. What possible concern of or threat is it to anyone else that on Saturday night DH and I went home with our friend Rachel and had a threesome? We’re not the Jehovah’s Witnesses, we don’t go door to door trying to recruit new members!

Absolutely nothing, as long as you're not the type who thinks monogamous people are jealous and insecure, and unenlightened unlike them. Otherwise, go for it, it's your private business. Like you say, as long as you're all genuinely happy with it

Broadly I don’t think monogamous people are jealous or insecure - although a number of posters on this thread have themselves said they couldn’t have an open relationship because they’d get too jealous or insecure or hurt, so it’s not a conclusion pulled out of thin air.

I think that’s probably a generalisation of gay men and I think it isn’t that gay men don’t think of sex as intimate, but that men generally don’t have the moral and social hang ups around sex that women do, don’t have pregnancy to worry about, and are much more au fait with minimising the risk of STIs through e.g. PREP and regular testing. Gay men’s sexual desires and appetites aren’t limited by what women are prepared to do. So they can have the type of sex many women are afraid of or worry being judged over by society.

And if that's the case, they obviously have the intelligence and self awareness to know what suits them. What's to insult?

The other day some one sucked my toes when we where having sex 🤮🤮🤮 is that what you wanna hear. But when your with swingers some of the funniest story’s involve bad sex

Precisely. I don’t think that they’re entirely negative emotions - unless they’re preventing you from doing something you’d actually like to.

S'not for me but I associate sex with intimacy (my prerogative). I know people who are actively swinging and it works for them. Each to their own

Haha the toe sucking 😂 thanks for that.

I posted that in reaction to someone saying they highly recommend swinging to op.

I think in reality, it needs very careful consideration and negotiation with a partner to work and there needs to be a rock solid relationship between spouses before even thinking about it,

I’m happy with just the one man. I don’t need or want another one.

Yes, MN can be bitey on a lot of subjects, but there's a BIG difference between someone being bitchy about my decision to wear shoes indoors/not have a bathroom bin, and someone implying that a core part of my lifestyle is gross to society, cruel to my partners, and dangerous to children.

Some of us are tired of having to have a thick skin because of the constant negativity. That's why we might seem defensive.

I don't believe that monogamy is the be all and end all. I have been in open relationships and absolutely would again. My DP is monogamous and would not be comfortable with that at all, so it is not an option. I respect that and so would not ever ask. I would not want to run the risk of him not feeling enough.

Glad I’m not alone in rolling my eyes almost out of my head every time someone trots out the ‘monogamy is unnatural’ line. Hardly any animals have recreational sex. (Far fewer than are monogamous.) Does that mean it’s unnatural for humans to do so? No other animals cook their food. Should we stop doing that too? Ridiculous line of argument.

Most documentaries about swinging should be seen in the same light as documentaries about benefits - they tend to show the dramatic/extreme sides of things rather than the average experience.

It wouldn’t work for you.

You draw your boundaries where you and your partner are happy with.

I know people who text their swing partners daily, are in and out of each other’s house regularly and done even go on holidays together. Others meet up very occasionally at clubs with little to no contact between times.

It all depends on the people, their lives and their boundaries.

Well actually I was more thinking about the regular victim blaming (what do you mean you are being abused by your DP - stop being so selfish and think about the children! and the things like "ASD doesn't exist - it's poor parenting!). I am resolutely monogamous but I read this thread for thoughts on alternative lifestyles, and I just had a moment of frustration and was a bit unpleasant in my post - so I apologise to @JustLyra and yourself. I was the poster I don't like for a minute!

I just think that some posters don't really have a true opinion about a subject and they only want the reaction of someone to feel judged. No one can tell you that your lifestyle is abusive in situations like this when they know so little about your life.

Yes I'd like this in some ways. I've tried bits of it and the problem I had was that I wanted one person much more than the other, and I didn't like mentally ranking them in that way. Also he kind of caught feels (i think only because I wasn't fully available) whereas I kind of caught feels for the other guy. So a classic mess tbh.

A nice threesome or foursome though - I'd do more of that.

In general I'd infinitely rather have sex than go to the gym, and I am useless at craft things so it's my main hobby.

YABU - how could it not cause problems in your marriage?

An open relationship would be my ideal scenario now that I'm older. I definitely couldn't have handled it when I was younger but now I can see how hard it is to have one person meet all your needs for all of your adult life.

Not loads of casual partners, I'd want a primary 'nesting' partner and a female lover to balance things out! I'd be happy for my OH to have other lovers so long as he was still around to put the bins out at home!

One thing I'd consider is making sure the third party is comfortable and not feeling used. Having experienced couples privilege and a married couple treating me like a toy and as disposable, if you're going to do this, remember the other person has feelings too and should be treated as another human being not just an experiment. Make sure you're all on the same page. I guess if it's just swinging with an agreement that it's just for fun, fine, but anything akin to another relationship, is just that, you now have two people's feeling to consider and treat respectively.

Saying that though, having another female lover later in life was amazing and like a beautiful world I had never experienced before.