To tell her she needs to cancel?

[Chikapu]

My friend has sent me a message telling me she's coming to see me and that she's booked a hotel and flights. I didn't invite her, she's literally taken it upon herself to think that this is ok and that I'll drop everything to accommodate her.
I'm speechless at her cheek tbh and don't want her to come, would I be a bitch to tell her to cancel?

Ooh she is cheeky and presumptuous! So entitled. Is she 9? She's certainly acting like it!

I'm sure it's already been said but she will have to deal with your not being available due to preexisting commitments.
On one hand, it's not as though she has invited herself to stay with you, which would have been worse. But, on the other hand, she's overstepped by assuming you'll be at her beck and call.
If you genuinely have time, you could meet her for a couple of hours, but she's in the wrong for not checking with you before making arrangements if she really wants to see you.

It’s not totally different unless you are sure there’s no other reason that she’s actually visiting your town. She may just not have mentioned it.
Also, different, but I had a friend visit out of the blue and it was because she wanted to surprise me with pregnancy news. She made all sorts of plans for us to make it sound like just a random fun trip and expected me to take time off work. I think she just assumed it was all fine because it would be a big surprise at the end. I was overjoyed. She was my bestie. Had been anyone else I would not have been overjoyed at all. Just pointing out that there might be a hidden reason beneath it all. Then again, entirely possible they are just a tw*t.

If that’s what the woman actually said then yes, clearly there’s a difference. Did the OP say those were the actual words? Sorry if I missed that but if the thread!

Literally! I do agree that people will just say whatever the opposite is of your post just to be annoying

She most definitely should have asked you first but at least she has booked herself into a hotel as most people on here get distant so called friends coming to stay for free accommodation and food.
Do you maybe think something is going on with her and she feels she needs z little holiday but didn't tell you her problems yet

Agree it’s a bit unreasonable to assume you were free - but surely it’s just a case of responding with ‘will be lovely to see you, I should be free for some of that time’.

This ^^

"Oh that's a shame. I wish you had checked with me first before which made plans for yourself, as I'm not available most of those days. I can try to fit in dinner with you at 7pm on Wed though. Perhaps you want to reschedule to arrange with me when I can be free for more than a couple hours one evening . "

Then you're not saying no but clarifying that you have a life & commitments too

(Do Check with DH first that he hasn't arranged to whisk you away even if it is to visit other friends.... as you may already have a legitimate "out")

I'd be a bit annoyed also at a friend expecting me to spend 3 whole days and evenings with them entertaining them, when it wasn't my offer. I don't have time for that!

I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. I’d be really happy if a friend bought flights/hotel etc because she wanted to spend time with me. That’s a lot of money and effort. She sounds like a lovely friend.

If she knows you well enough to know that you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, as you say - is something else going on with her?

Is she going through something or doing things on impulse - maybe had a break up & embracing new things & hasn’t stopped to think?? Saw a great deal for flights /hotel & snapped it up?

Either way she wld presumably have said & checked to see if you’re around first.

If she knows you well enough then this is entirely on her & weird to assume you’ll be free & esp so close to Xmas.

Why don’t you say you’re not actually going to be there yourself - be like can’t believe you booked without checking I feel awful now but we’re at DH’s brother’s/friends / parents been in diary ages can’t not go.

Then it’s clearly on her & she might say why she didn’t think or the reasoning might come out.

Hopefully she can swap it to a date that’s mutually convenient.

If she ends the friendship over it maybe you’re better off - if she doesn’t think of your side of things & punishes people when doesn’t get her own way maybe she’s not the best person to be friends with?

How odd! My parents used to do this, they lived 5 hours away. They'd tell me they were coming on a certain date and I'd tell them my DH was on nights as was my brother who lived nearby so it wasn't convenient. I had the phone put down on me. We all worked full time, they were retired! So mad.

I would do exactly this. If she ends the friendship over you telling her this, it wasn’t a real friendship to begin with.

I think if it is the week before Christmas, that does change things - I would tell her you have already arranged things on those days but can meet her for lunch, brunch, or whatever you are able to do, and tell her it was really foolish of her to book at such a busy time of year without checking with you first as of course you already have plans.

If the fact you have plans for the week before Christmas is a friendship-ender for her, that’s her look out.

I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. I’d be really happy if a friend bought flights/hotel etc because she wanted to spend time with me. That’s a lot of money and effort. She sounds like a lovely friend

Yeah, yeah, sure you would..... If you'd already made plans with other friends for the time she'd booked, or if you had to work, or whatever reason, no you wouldn't be happy because it would mean having to cancel on other "lovely friends", or taking time off work at short notice which might not even be possible. And all of this could have been avoided if the "lovely friend" had simply phoned and said I'd really like to come and visit you, would this weekend work for you? No, oh that's a shame, what would be a better time for you?

She is not a "lovely friend". A lovely friend doesn't do things like this without having the courtesy to ask first whether it's convenient for the person they are visiting.

I'd fake my own death if someone pulled this stunt on me.

I have plans with friends and family on most weekends of the year (about 75%). I desperately need my downtime to catch up on home things, plus I have hobbies etc.

Those saying that they'd love this, how often do you see friends? Do you have hobbies?

😂😂

‘No can do, sorry. I will be dead on that weekend.’ 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU. There's this thing called communication which your friend clearly hasn't heard of. That and consideration. I would hate someone to do this to me and I honestly wouldn't care if they dropped the friendship as a result of me not playing ball. What a power trip she's on. It'd be different if she just happened to be staying nearby and would like to meet up with you if convenient, but to expect that you'll make yourself available all day for three days of HER choosing is ridiculous. And entitled. And selfish. And a whole host of other adjectives I see overused on here😅

she coming for 3 days the week before Christmas?! You are NBU at all. The "oh, I'd love that" people are lying.

To be fair that little nugget was dripfed in on p8 and most people don’t read the full thread.

If OP had said “my friend has decided to come to my town the week before Christmas and has told me she expects me to cancel all of my existing Christmas socialising plans and spend the three days solely with her” in the very first post, she’d have got very different answers. I think most people assumed the friend was coming for a random November weekend and OP probably didn’t have much else on.

I think most people assumed the friend was coming for a random November weekend and OP probably didn’t have much else on.

It doesn’t matter when she’s coming, to do so, without checking first and expect someone to drop everything is inconsiderate, selfish and entitled. And why would people assume just coz it’s November folk don’t have plans!!!! Really???

She’s not ‘dropping in’ on you at though!! Presumably you don’t own the hotel?? If you’re busy just tell her which days/ times. I’m sure you can make the effort to squeeze in a lunch / dinner somewhere- perhaps even a bit of shopping.

I had an ex (we were still friends at the time) do something similar to me once. He told me beforehand that he was thinking of coming and I told him to check dates with me before booking anything as I had several work commitments. The next thing I knew, he’d emailed me with his flight details — which happened to clash with a work trip I had to Dubai… I think some people (and perhaps your friend is one of them) get so caught up in the moment that they simply don’t consider other people might want a say and/or have other plans. I can understand your friend might have wanted to surprise you, but you’d have to be really confident in the friendship, and it’s a big risk to take when you don’t know if the other person will even be around.

You've also said: I can guarantee that this will be a friendship ender for her.

I would think time is of the essence if you actually want to cancel her flights and hotel booking.

I wouldn’t be okay with it, OP, but I’m also bemused as to what you’re hoping for here. You clearly don’t think you’re being unreasonable, so why are you asking the original question?