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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she needs to cancel?

303 replies

Chikapu · 16/11/2022 09:04

My friend has sent me a message telling me she's coming to see me and that she's booked a hotel and flights. I didn't invite her, she's literally taken it upon herself to think that this is ok and that I'll drop everything to accommodate her.
I'm speechless at her cheek tbh and don't want her to come, would I be a bitch to tell her to cancel?

OP posts:
IMissVino · 16/11/2022 12:42

melj1213 · 16/11/2022 12:38

YANBU OP

I used to live in Madrid and we would often get friends and family letting us know they were coming to visit without checking the dates with is first, and yes while they booked their own flights/hotels they were 100% booking with the expectation that we would spend time with them and it's the presumption that you can drop everything to accommodate their visit that is unreasonable.

95% of them understood that if they said "We are flying into Madrid for a week on XYZ dates!" with no prior warning/discussion of a visit then they would run the risk of us not being available for the whole time and we were happy to suggest things for them to do but couldn't always join them/guide them because we had our own commitments but there was about 5% who were scandalised that we didn't drop everything to host them the entire time.

I remember one pair of (now ex) friends who announced on a Monday that they were flying in that weekend and were expecting us to pick them up from the airport at 3pm Friday afternoon and then spend the whole weekend with them and drop them off at the airport on Monday lunchtime.

What they had failed to take in to account was that:

a) ExDH and I were both teachers who worked M-F 9-5 in our schools so couldn't take Friday afternoon and Monday morning off. We worked in the city centre and could possibly have managed to pick them up if they arrived at about 12/1pm as we had 1-3pm as our lunchtime so by the time they arrived, got luggage etc we could have hopped a taxi to the airport, picked them up and had a quick catch up in the 30ish minutes in the taxi from the airport back into the city centre to plan their weekend, drop them at their hotel, grabbed a sandwich for lunch and been back at work on time ... but it would have cost us about €80 in taxis

b) DD had booked activities Friday evening and Saturday morning which we weren't going to just cancel at short notice. If we'd had more notice we could have arranged a babysitter to pick DD up from her class on Friday and/or Saturday so we could have spent more time with them (loads of our neighbours had Au Pairs who were happy to do a bit of babysitting on Friday evening/weekends for a bit of extra spending money)

c) it was a friend's child's first holy communion on that Sunday which we had been invited to (FHC is a massive deal in Spain and was a whole day thing of the church service then going out of the city centre to a fancy place for dinner/drinks for the rest of the day) so we were not going to be available at all on the Sunday

When we informed them "Sorry the only times that we are available that weekend are the Friday evening and Saturday afternoon due to other commitments. Tell us if there's anything in particular you want to do, we'll let you know what's going on this weekend so you can make the most of your time. We'll make a reservation at one of our favourite restaurants for Friday night and then we can do something fun on Saturday afternoon" they were furious we weren't dropping everything to be at their beck and call ... Strangely after that weekend we didn't hear from them again.

they were furious we weren't dropping everything to be at their beck and call

How did they articulate this to you? I’m always fascinated by how people articulate CFery in a manner that indicates they think they’re being reasonable.

tillytown · 16/11/2022 12:44

Yanbu op, I would hate this!

Summerfun54321 · 16/11/2022 12:50

I’d say ”sorry my Christmas period has been planned for a while, I’d love to see you though so feel free to propose some dates in the new year and we can arrange something”. She’s nuts.

GoonerGirl5231 · 16/11/2022 12:50

I would be annoyed too, OP, and I'm surprised you're getting such a hard time. Yes, she's staying in a hotel but she's expecting you to give up three days midweek to entertain her and didn't have the decency to check your availability first. That's rude. It's like saying your time and commitments don't matter. Given what you said about your DH's time off and visiting relatives, I'd cancel her.

lieselotte · 16/11/2022 12:54

I think this is bizarre, the OP could have been on holiday, a work trip, be visiting elderly relatives, anything. I can understand the "I am going to be in your city on these dates, are you around" but not "I am going to be in your city on these dates, you have to drop everything to accommodate me".

People are weird though, I've known two people whose parents have booked holidays for them without checking if they could get the time off work.

OP if you like this friend and have some free time and want to see her, then see her. But if you don't want to, or can't, then just say so.

lieselotte · 16/11/2022 12:57

Having seen your update that you are seeing friends, so you can't see her as well. Just say "oh I am so sorry you didn't mention it to me first, but we won't be available - we've already made plans for those days. Let me know when you are coming over again and we'll meet up then". If it's friendship ending, well she's a bit silly.

RampantIvy · 16/11/2022 12:58

Chikapu · 16/11/2022 09:17

Would you all genuinely be ok with someone presuming they can drop in on you for three days without asking or waiting to be invited? I find that hard to believe.

Yes, unless I had something else on. I would feel very flattered that a friend would want to see me. That said all of our friends and family know that they can ask to visit.

I am not a typical mumsnetter when it comes to visitors.

butterpuffed · 16/11/2022 13:01

Assuming she doesn't see you much as she has to fly , perhaps she thinks it'd be a lovely Christmas surprise to visit you . Better tell her she's wrong then. 😮

dcontour · 16/11/2022 13:02

That said all of our friends and family know that they can ask to visit

And that's the point, your friends and family know they can ask to visit.
Not just show up somewhere, presumably abroad, having booked hotel and flights and not even bothering to ask if the person they are visiting will be around.

HowzAboutIt · 16/11/2022 13:02

That said all of our friends and family know that they can ask to visit

ask being the operative word. Not tell

YANBU @Chikapu and it is obvious that 76% of MNetters are normal and feel the same

melj1213 · 16/11/2022 13:02

IMissVino · 16/11/2022 12:42

they were furious we weren't dropping everything to be at their beck and call

How did they articulate this to you? I’m always fascinated by how people articulate CFery in a manner that indicates they think they’re being reasonable.

Show quote history

I don't remember the exact wording as it was years ago but they basically sent a message saying they were going to be coming to Madrid that weekend and asked where at the airport they should meet us, basically assuming that we'd pick them up and when I checked their flight time with them and said something along the lines of "Sorry ExDH and I will both still be at work till 5pm, but let me know where your hotel is and I'll let you know the best route there" (taxis were a flat €30 fee from the airport but the metro was about €5, straightforward to use and if you were in a major hotel on certain metro lines that had minimal connections then it was better to use the metro) they said something like "Oh, I thought you'd come and meet us, can't you just take the afternoon off?"

Then when I asked about their plans for the weekend they said something along the lines of "We definitely want to do XYZ but we're happy to take the days as they come and let you decide what the best itinerary is" at which point I realised they wanted a 24hr tour guide for the weekend and I explained we had plans we couldn't change.

At this point they were just flabbergasted that we wouldn't cancel DDs classes "It's only one weekend!" (Yes, but if we didn that every time we had visitors DD would never get to have any classes) and that we wouldn't just not go to the FHC "Can't you just go to the church and skip the party? It's not like we visit every week!' (umm we could but we don't want to because this is our friend's special day that has been arranged for months and you didn't even give us the courtesy of a weeks notice) and went on various rants that they had spent so much money to come to see us and spend time with us and we were making zero effort to accommodate them (because we had not been consulted at all in the planning) and clearly we didn't care about seeing them (we did, we just care about DD and our FHC friends too) and we had ruined their weekend with our selfish behaviour etcetc

I have no idea how they thought they were being reasonable but apparently some people are just that self absorbed that they assume that everyone will be falling over themselves to be grateful that they are worthy enough of a visit if they are informed they have been chosen.

MadelineUsher · 16/11/2022 13:04

Are you going to tell her it's not convenient for you, or are you just going to be miffed and put out on this thread?

MatronicO6 · 16/11/2022 13:09

I can only assume the PP's who said you are being unreasonable and your friend has done nothing wrong are equally oblivious to social norms and believe their lives are more important than others.

Your friends actions are strange! If you want to make any plans with someone you ask them if they are available, it's common sense. I had a friend who did something similar last year and arranged to come visit my city, booked everything, then told myself and another friend that she was expecting to see us, had reserved restaurants, we could do x,y,z. Only problem was I was at a wedding that weekend and our other friend was headed for her own city break. She was actually affronted and had the audacity to ask what she was meant to do.

If you don't have time to see her just tell her that. You can't aske her to cancel as technically she can visit the city regardless but she is not entitled to your company. Hopefully she will realise it's not acceptable to just expect someone to drop everything to accommodate her.

Original poster
Chikapu · 16/11/2022 13:09

MadelineUsher · 16/11/2022 13:04

Are you going to tell her it's not convenient for you, or are you just going to be miffed and put out on this thread?

I've already said that I am.

OP posts:
Unusually · 16/11/2022 13:13

I wonder if a friend of mine thought similar of me when I turned up in her home town to perform in a concert, which obviously I invited her to, and as I was there it made sense to meet up with her and go for dinner. I wasn’t there primarily to see her, but it was coincidentally where she lives. Are you sure your friend isn’t there for a totally other reason and just excited to see you whilst there?

IMissVino · 16/11/2022 13:14

melj1213 · 16/11/2022 13:02

I don't remember the exact wording as it was years ago but they basically sent a message saying they were going to be coming to Madrid that weekend and asked where at the airport they should meet us, basically assuming that we'd pick them up and when I checked their flight time with them and said something along the lines of "Sorry ExDH and I will both still be at work till 5pm, but let me know where your hotel is and I'll let you know the best route there" (taxis were a flat €30 fee from the airport but the metro was about €5, straightforward to use and if you were in a major hotel on certain metro lines that had minimal connections then it was better to use the metro) they said something like "Oh, I thought you'd come and meet us, can't you just take the afternoon off?"

Then when I asked about their plans for the weekend they said something along the lines of "We definitely want to do XYZ but we're happy to take the days as they come and let you decide what the best itinerary is" at which point I realised they wanted a 24hr tour guide for the weekend and I explained we had plans we couldn't change.

At this point they were just flabbergasted that we wouldn't cancel DDs classes "It's only one weekend!" (Yes, but if we didn that every time we had visitors DD would never get to have any classes) and that we wouldn't just not go to the FHC "Can't you just go to the church and skip the party? It's not like we visit every week!' (umm we could but we don't want to because this is our friend's special day that has been arranged for months and you didn't even give us the courtesy of a weeks notice) and went on various rants that they had spent so much money to come to see us and spend time with us and we were making zero effort to accommodate them (because we had not been consulted at all in the planning) and clearly we didn't care about seeing them (we did, we just care about DD and our FHC friends too) and we had ruined their weekend with our selfish behaviour etcetc

I have no idea how they thought they were being reasonable but apparently some people are just that self absorbed that they assume that everyone will be falling over themselves to be grateful that they are worthy enough of a visit if they are informed they have been chosen.

Show quote history

What awful clueless people!

Original poster
Chikapu · 16/11/2022 13:15

Are you sure your friend isn’t there for a totally other reason and just excited to see you whilst there?

100% certain it's just to see me.

OP posts:
VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/11/2022 13:15

There are many strange people out there. Last week an acquaintance booked travel and accommodation for an event without having secured a ticket then was really disappointed to discover it had sold out. But OP your pal sounds quite rude and totally unaware of her rudeness.

Original poster
Chikapu · 16/11/2022 13:17

Unusually · 16/11/2022 13:13

I wonder if a friend of mine thought similar of me when I turned up in her home town to perform in a concert, which obviously I invited her to, and as I was there it made sense to meet up with her and go for dinner. I wasn’t there primarily to see her, but it was coincidentally where she lives. Are you sure your friend isn’t there for a totally other reason and just excited to see you whilst there?

You can see that this is a totally different situation can't you?

OP posts:
VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/11/2022 13:21

@melj1213 do you think people are just less aware of social norms these days and expect things to turn out in RL as they do on social media??? I think it's spilling over and folk don't realise how rude they are being and have a complete lack of awareness. People seem to think that friends in RL should respond in the same way as a click on Amazon and it's done, your example, mine and the OP's certainly suggest that. It's weird.

Temporary311022 · 16/11/2022 13:25

Hi OP, I can’t believe the Bonkers responses on here. Most people have kids, jobs and have their time allocated to things. YADNBU.

If you are busy and don’t want to create a precedent then say you’re busy etc ( others posters have suggested kind but firm responses.)

She may be feeling really lonely

Olive19741205 · 16/11/2022 13:27

I wonder if a friend of mine thought similar of me when I turned up in her home town to perform in a concert, which obviously I invited her to, and as I was there it made sense to meet up with her and go for dinner. I wasn’t there primarily to see her, but it was coincidentally where she lives. Are you sure your friend isn’t there for a totally other reason and just excited to see you whilst there?

But that's a completely different scenario to what's happened with the OP.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 16/11/2022 13:28

Can’t you just say “Oh no, I wish you’d checked timings with me first, as I’ve got loads on that weekend. I’m going to be tied up on xxxx and xxxxx but would be great to meet
up on xxxxx.”?

xogossipgirlxo · 16/11/2022 13:29

My kind of nightmare. You're totally NBU, OP. How insensitive of her not to even check with you if you can book annual leave at work.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2022 13:33

Unusually · 16/11/2022 13:13

I wonder if a friend of mine thought similar of me when I turned up in her home town to perform in a concert, which obviously I invited her to, and as I was there it made sense to meet up with her and go for dinner. I wasn’t there primarily to see her, but it was coincidentally where she lives. Are you sure your friend isn’t there for a totally other reason and just excited to see you whilst there?

Your scenario "I'm in your town for work next week, shall we meet up for dinner?" vs OP's scenario "Hey, OP I've booked a flight and hotel for your town. Looking forward to spending those days with you showing me all the sights!".

See the difference?