To tell her she needs to cancel?

[Chikapu]

My friend has sent me a message telling me she's coming to see me and that she's booked a hotel and flights. I didn't invite her, she's literally taken it upon herself to think that this is ok and that I'll drop everything to accommodate her.
I'm speechless at her cheek tbh and don't want her to come, would I be a bitch to tell her to cancel?

People are free to travel to almost anywhere they want to and book accommodation for themselves so you can’t tell her to cancel. You can tell her you are not available, if that’s what you want.

if its for next weekend well thats short notice and a bit annoying - But if i was free i'd say i was around Saturday say (and maybe sunday lunch but busy friday night recovering from work and Sunday night i'd want to prepare for work)

if its during the week, well you work so are not around until evening.

if its for 6 months time, i'd book a day or so off if i could to be around.

its odd but i don't think i'd be really annoyed, more wanting my own space a bit and bemused they booked before checking i was actually around.

(this assumes you don't have kids, obviously harder to just break plans/clubs whatever they may have)

Just tell her that youre excited to see her but you will be busy with work sadly but youll definitely make time to meet up for a proper catch up. Then suggest an afternoon or evening.

Woah! As if she doesn’t already have plans?? I couldn’t accommodate a friend this weekend as I already have plans.

Cant you just reply 'what a shame, if youd checked with me beforehand I could have let you know which dates I was free. I'm actually only available on the friday afternoon but we can make sure we book in something fun'

Is the issue that she isnt invited and has been rude, or that you don't want her to visit, or that you have other plans?

If she's your friend why aren't you pleased she's coming 🥴. Poor woman bet she thought you'd appreciate the effort of her coming to see you.

You're getting a bit of a beating on here @Chikapu YANBU.

I love having friends to stay, but I need to discuss timings and so on. I'm usually very busy & not in a position to stop everything to entertain someone for 3 days with NO notice, or indeed, not so much as a "Are you available?" or "What dates would you be free?" The OP's friend has been very rude, and the lack of any consultation would probably lead me to say that I was away or completely unavailable.

To those PP saying you're not much of a friend, did you miss the OP's posts where she says her friend
a) didn't ask
b) expects to be entertained for 3 days.

Seems to me that @Chikapu 's friend is the one who's a rubbish friend, not the OP.

Doesn’t sound very much like you like her or are even her friend. She’s gone to the effort of booking flights and a hotel so she clearly wants to spend time with you. If you don’t like her or you don’t feel the same way you need to let her know. It’s unfair of you to let her go through life thinking you’re a very close friend of hers. I’d be delighted if a close friend surprised me in this way and would do my best to juggle or rearrange whatever (if I had any other plans) else I had on to accommodate seeing her/him especially if it’s something that doesn’t happen often (ie due to long distances etc)

This!

What world do people live in that you just book flights and tell people you're coming to visit and they need to be available for 3 days with no consultation????

Erm..... would you like to spend time with her? Or is there a backstory to your friendship?

If it was me getting a message like that from a friend I'd like to see, I'd be somewhat surprised, but nevertheless try to accommodate as much as possible. And be very honest about to her about that.

Eg: "So you arrive on Thursday evening? Sorry I have a work function that evening and am working all of Friday daytime, but I can see you in the evening. Then I have to take kids to football on Saturday morning, but can meet from noon onwards...."

On the other hand, if it's a person who's hard work and who's company I don't care for, I'd say: "Apologies, a visit that week really doesn't suit me, I'm really busy. Perhaps in future check with me before you book anything."

Very presumptuous - Id expect to be consulted about availabilty before the flights were booked "Im thinking of visiting in x month, do you have some free time then?" sort of thing.

It's very odd on her part but I think this will be end of the friendship, if it even is one, if you don't see her at all. You obviously don't know each other very well if she would think this would be fine and you would be shocked she would do it. Have you ever said anything to encourage that? Some people say things like "it'd be lovely to see you, any time" when they don't mean that, it's just a social nicety - although I don't think it's very nice actually - but some other people won't understand it as that and will take it at face value?

Just let her know what time you do have available (which might not be much at such short notice).
I agree she should have talked to you well in advance about this.
I have friends who tend to plan everything very very last minute and don't "get" that other people tend to book their weekends up further in advance.

If it was a good friend I'd be delighted and I'd make every effort to be free to spend time with them. If you're busy at certain times then just be honest with her, but as someone who lives in a different country to 95% of her friends, I wish one of them cared enough to do this for me, and I think you're being a little bit harsh... even though it would have made a lot more sense for her to organise it with you in advance!

If its really an inconvenience to spend time with her you should tell her, maybe she thinks you're better friends than you do.

Seems sensible to me.

@bravelittletiger · Today 09:13

Sorry but you're not coming across well here. I honestly can't think of a friend I wouldn't want to spend a weekend with if they were in my town and had booked a hotel. She's clearly not really a friend if you're so pissed off about seeing her. Sounds like you're not much of a mate to her tbh.

Well, it's the friend whos not much of a mate - who announces theyre coming and expecting you to drop everything because they decided when they want to see you? No one i know does that!

Are you sure shes coming specifically to see YOU?

Or is she coming home (or there for whatever reason) and wants to visit you while here.

I mean my friend lives in another country and if she was coming to my city she would like text 'oi woman Im coming down to see you next weekend' but it wouldnt mean shes coming just to see me, shes just basically saying shes in the area and would like to see me but as we a friends shes not exactly subtle in her wordings lol.

very odd that she wouldn't have checked the dates with you before booking, have you replied to her? You can't actually tell her to cancel by the way considering she's staying in a hotel however you can tell her you won't be available to entertain her for a lot of that time. Do you like her? You call her a friend but it sounds like you don't consider her much of one?

YABU if she's booked a hotel then she's not really imposing on you. If you can free up the 3 days, then surely it would be nice to spend time with a friend? If there are things you can't cancel, or can't take all three days off work, then maybe help her with making plans for the other times e.g. could she see a show, exhibition or something and meet you afterwards?

I would expect a friend to discuss and check in advance yes.

But my response would depend on my circumstances. E.g busy working and with kids: I would just explain, and give my actual availability…. And then look forward to seeing her at that time. Retired and enjoying hobbies? A bit of an eye roll, but be glad that I am after all, available and look forward to seeing her.

From your posts you seem to have gone straight into offended martyr mode. If you can’t spend time with her, just explain. If you can, get on and enjoy it.

I have friends who I love and enjoy spending time with but with the way my brain works I don't do well with unexpected things being forced on me. And it's a bit presumptuous to expect someone to cancel everything they have planned with very little notice. What if @Chikapu had been working or had no childcare? Was ill with the lurgy?

I'm basing that on a friend who I don't see much now - she used to arrive in town, expect me to pick her up from her hotel and would stay at mine until midnight or so being fed and entertained. Made for some very long days!

I agree it’s bizarre to not check with you beforehand, but could be a misunderstanding - you might have said “come see me anytime” - or she might think you did.

She should have asked you if you were free and if you weren't agreed on a different weekend.
Can't believe all these people saying why wouldn't you want to see your friend etcetc.
If you've got something on that weekend you can't just drop plans because someone decides to show up having booked flights and hotel without bothering to ask if you were available.
This weekend I'm playing in two concerts and have rehearsals so if someone had booked to come without asking I would have no time for them.
Wouldn't have time next weekend either, for similar reasons.
Two weekends free before Christmas - other than that I have things on that can't be changed.
It's beyond rude to book flights without even asking if you're free and then expect to be entertained.

Your friend is ridiculous not to have checked your availability/plans for those days. Different story if they were letting you know they were going to be in the area if you wanted to meet for dinner/drinks but to Expect t you to be available to entertain her us madness.

Not everyone can change plans, get time off from work at the drop of a hat most sane people would have let you know before booking